Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Hey Matt,
My boyfriend wants me to squirt when we are having sex. Any tips?
- Maggie
Hey Maggie! What a fun question. I was wondering when squirting would show up in my inbox. I guess 2026 is the year we finally wade into these waters with a little bit more clarity and clear up some of the misconceptions surrounding this phenomenon. I remember first hearing about squirting from friends in middle school and then heading home to dial up internet and typing it into the search bar. Boy, was I surprised. Squirting is a complicated topic for a lot of us, but especially vulva owners. Some love it and want to explore it, some hate it and never want to experience it, and some sit right in the middle, curious about what it even means. Maggie, it seems like you fall into the curious group and I want to thank you for this question. Exploration is a part of any healthy sex life, so let’s see if I can share some tips that will help you on your journey.
A couple myths to clear up first. Squirting is not the same thing as having an orgasm. Those are two different experiences and just because someone squirts, it does not mean they experienced something pleasurable. A lot of my clients report just feeling the sensation of release. They also report that it can be annoying due to the mess it makes. It is hard to find actual numbers, but it is also true that not everyone can squirt. Some vulva-owners can and some can’t, it is as simple as that. One final myth to tackle, and probably the one I hear the most, is that squirting is pee. It isn’t. Squirting involves a clear, typically odorless fluid that is expelled from the urethra during high levels of arousal or sexual stimulation. This fluid often originates from the area around the Skene’s glands, sometimes referred to as the female prostate, which sit near the urethra. While there can be trace amounts of urine present, research shows this fluid is chemically different from urine and is produced in response to sexual arousal and stimulation.
So, Maggie, if you want to explore squirting, we have to start with relaxation. Pressure and performance shut this down quickly. Creating a calm environment, allowing yourself plenty of time, using lots of lube, and focusing on full body arousal rather than rushing straight to genitals can make a big difference. Full body arousal, or engaging other erogenous zones outside of the genitals, is a great way for anyone to have a more embodied sexual experience. Many people also find it helpful to explore solo first, simply so they can learn their body without worrying about someone else’s expectations or reactions. We have to feel comfortable driving the car alone before we can invite in a passenger.
Physically, squirting is most often associated with firm but steady stimulation of the front vaginal wall, commonly referred to as the G-spot, sometimes alongside clitoral stimulation. In fact, many vulva-owners report that having a clitoral orgasm before helps them feel more grounded within themselves. To find the G-spot, use one or two fingers inserted into the vagina and curling them upward toward the belly button in a gentle come hither motion. The G spot is often described as feeling spongy or ridged, especially when someone is aroused, and it is typically located a few inches inside on the front wall. As stimulation continues, sensations may intensify and build into a strong urge to pee, which is often the moment where people freak out. That urge to pee can feel startling when in an aroused state, but it is exactly where you want to be.
Relaxing the pelvic floor, breathing deeply, and staying present through that sensation can be key. Clenching or tensing tends to shut the process down, while allowing the body to soften and release can make it more likely to occur. The goal is not making something happen, but listening to the body, responding with curiosity, and letting whatever shows up be enough. Having said all of this, I have to say, squirting should never be the goal of sex. When it becomes the main focus, pleasure turns into performance and bodies tend to shut down rather than open up. We want to look at squirting as simply one possible physiological response on our menu of sexual acts. It is not a measure of skill for you or your partner. The goal with a lot of sex is to just stay present, and prioritizing comfort and pleasure over anything else.
Remember, you are not broken for not being able to squirt. Bodies are diverse and we all have different abilities. I am glad to hear about your interest in learning something new, Maggie. In my view, curiosity is one of the core elements that make for not only a sustainable relationship, but also a fulfilling sex life. My good friend and colleague Julie Labanz says that our bodies are our playgrounds and we get to play with them however we want to. If the desire to learn more about squirting comes from an internal place, honor that. But if you ever feel pressure to engage in something that may not feel right or may not even be possible for your body, do not let anyone tell you how to play in your sandbox. With that, I will leave you with this: drink tons of water, grab some towels or water-resistant sheets, and take some deep breaths. This is a journey for you, and whether or not you can do it, I hope it feel glorious and empowering.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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