Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
I just found out my wife has been going to a sex club behind my back for years and she never told me. I am devastated. She told me she hasn’t had sex with anyone there and just watches, but I don’t trust her.
Well, this is going to be an interesting one to unpack. Finding something out like this can definitely feel earth-shattering. Whether your wife had sex with anyone else or not, discovering that she has been attending a sex club for years without your knowledge is a massive revelation. It makes sense that you feel devastated. I don’t know the specifics of your relationship and whether or not you two are monogamous, but from reading your question I would assume you are, and that can only add to the feelings of betrayal. In moments like this, people often become consumed with trying to answer one question: “Is she telling me the truth?” While that question matters, it is often not the first place I would encourage you to begin.
The first question I would ask is this: Do the two of you still want this relationship? If the answer is yes, then I strongly encourage you to seek couples therapy with someone who is comfortable talking openly about sexuality and betrayal in relationships. While small breaks in trust can happen from time to time, big breaks like this one usually require some outside assistance. Therapy is not about determining who is right or wrong. It is about understanding what happened, what needs were or were not being met, how trust was broken, and whether trust can realistically be rebuilt. If one or both of you no longer want to continue the relationship, then the conversation becomes very different.
If you do decide to work on the relationship, there are also a few things I would encourage you to avoid. Do not turn the next several months into an interrogation. While asking questions is completely understandable, repeatedly demanding reassurance, checking phones, or trying to catch your partner in a lie rarely rebuilds trust. It usually creates a cycle where one person becomes the investigator and the other becomes increasingly defensive. Instead, focus on having structured conversations, ideally with the support of a therapist, where honesty and transparency are expected. I know this is easier said than done, and I don’t know how open I would be to this advice in the early days, but it is important to try to set the stage for productive conversations instead of harmful ones.
We need to pull this back some and recognize that there are many reasons someone may attend a sex club. Some people go because they enjoy voyeurism or exhibitionism. Others are curious about different sexual communities. Some enjoy the atmosphere, the excitement, or the fantasy without ever participating sexually. Others attend because it allows them to explore a part of themselves that they feel unable to express elsewhere. Let me be clear: none of those possibilities excuse keeping it secret from a spouse. The problem here is not simply that she attended a sex club. The problem is that she made a unilateral decision to keep something significant hidden from someone with whom she had an agreement of trust.
As difficult as it may be, I would encourage both of you to become curious rather than immediately defensive. Why did she feel she had to keep this hidden? Was she afraid of judgment? Did she believe you would never understand? Was there shame? Was there excitement in having a secret? Again, these questions are not meant to justify what happened. They are meant to understand it. I often tell people that there is a difference between giving excuses and explanations. Excuses come with defensiveness while explanations come with responsibility. Healthy repair comes from understanding, not assumptions.
Ultimately, rebuilding trust requires vulnerability from both partners. Shocker, right? Your wife will need to be willing to answer difficult questions honestly, take responsibility for the secrecy, and understand the impact this has had on you. You, in turn, will need to be willing to express your hurt, fear, anger, and uncertainty without allowing those emotions to become the only thing guiding the relationship moving forward. When I work with breaches of trust, I often see the person who has been hurt move very quickly from fear and sadness into punishment. It makes sense why this happens. Punishment can feel protective. But if we can, we want to slow things down. The real work often begins when we make space for the grief and vulnerability beneath the anger instead of rushing straight to consequences. Vulnerability is not about pretending everything is okay. It is about allowing yourselves to have the difficult conversations neither of you has likely been having for years.
Whether this relationship survives depends less on what happened at the sex club and more on what happens next. Can the two of you create a relationship where honesty replaces secrecy, curiosity replaces assumptions, and vulnerability replaces hiding? If the answer is yes, there is a path forward. It will not be easy, and it will not happen overnight, but many couples have rebuilt trust after profound betrayals. The first step is deciding whether you are both willing to do that work together. Remember, relationships are hard. We evolve overtime and when the world you live in is sex negative, shame and secrecy can infiltrate and grow. Slow things down and just start the conversation, maybe the relationship is worth it.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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