Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Matt,
My boyfriend thinks it’s strange that I still talk to one of my exes. We dated for several years, but the romantic relationship ended a long time ago. There are no lingering feelings, and honestly, he is cool. My boyfriend says staying friends with an ex is disrespectful to him, while I think it’s possible to be friends someone without wanting to be with them. I think people can be friends with their exes, but maybe I am missing something.
– Anna
Hey Anna! Yes, of course you can be friends with an ex. I know that answer may surprise some people because we have been fed a very different story about relationships, but it’s true. Somewhere along the way, many of us learned that exes are supposed to disappear, completely vanish off the face of the planet. That if a relationship ends, one person must be the villain and the other must be the victim. That staying friends means you are secretly in love, unable to move on, or disrespecting future partners. I am going to unpack where I think this all comes from throughout the article, but for now, I want you to know that being friends with an ex is not nearly as strange or uncommon as many people have been led to believe.
I think a lot of it comes from how relationships have traditionally been framed. We have been taught that relationships are about “love,” but that love gets represented as possession and competition rather than connection and compassion. We are often told that if someone was once important to us, they must remain important only as long as they fit a specific role in our lives. Once they are no longer a romantic partner, we are expected to erase the entire relationship. To be honest, that has never made much sense to me. This is probably a good time to note that not everyone falls into this trap, but a lot of us still do, and I see it every single week sitting across from me in my office.
Think about it this way. If you spent years loving someone, supporting them, laughing with them, and growing alongside them, why would the only acceptable outcome be complete disconnection? Sometimes relationships end because the romantic component no longer works. That does not automatically mean the friendship has to disappear too. Now, does that mean everyone should be friends with their exes? Absolutely not. I am not friends with any of my exes because outside of also being a product of the messaging mentioned above, there wasn’t enough there for me to want to stay friends with them.
The more important question is why you want to be friends with them. Are you genuinely interested in maintaining a friendship, or are you hoping friendship becomes a pathway back into the relationship? Are you keeping them close because you value who they are as a person, or because you are afraid to let go? Those are very different motivations. Being friends with an ex works best when both people have accepted that the romantic relationship is over and are choosing friendship for friendship’s sake. Do me a favor and reread that last sentence because it is crucial if you want this to work. I’ll wait.
Most of you reading this may be thinking about jealousy and where that fits into the conversation. Many people treat jealousy as if it is a fact. “I feel jealous, therefore something must be wrong.” But jealousy is not a fact. Jealousy is information. It tells us something is happening internally that deserves our attention. Maybe we are feeling insecure. Maybe we are afraid of loss. Maybe we are worried about being replaced. That makes total sense. There are moments in my relationship where I still feel jealousy, but when it comes to friendships with exes, the feeling itself is not proof that it is inappropriate. It is simply an invitation to get curious about what is happening beneath the surface.
I also want to acknowledge your boyfriend’s perspective because he is not necessarily wrong for feeling uncomfortable. Many people grow up with the belief that exes are threats to current relationships. If he has experienced betrayal or broken trust in the past, it makes sense that your friendship could activate fears or insecurities for him. The goal is not to convince him that he should never feel jealous or uncomfortable. That will never happen. The goal is to have an honest conversation about what specifically concerns him. Is he worried that feelings will return? Is he afraid of being compared to your ex? Does he feel excluded from an important part of your life? Those are all conversations worth exploring.
Healthy relationships require us to balance our own autonomy with our partner’s needs. Your boyfriend is allowed to have feelings about the friendship, and you are allowed to have meaningful friendships that predate the relationship. The challenge is figuring out whether the concern is about an actual boundary violation or whether it is rooted in assumptions about what exes are supposed to mean. The healthiest couples I know are not the ones who avoid difficult conversations. They are the ones who can talk openly about their fears and expectations without trying to control one another. Of course, there are situations where friendship with an ex may not be healthy. If there was abuse, manipulation, repeated boundary violations, or ongoing emotional turmoil, distance may be the healthiest option. Some relationships need space. Some evolve into meaningful friendships. There is no one-size-fits-all answer and if you meet someone who tells you there is one, run!
What I have found, both personally and professionally, is that healthy relationships often require flexibility. Not every relationship is meant to last forever in its original form. Sometimes people move from lovers to friends. Sometimes they move from spouses to co-parents. Sometimes they move from daily contact to occasional check-ins. Relationships can change shape without losing their value. But you have to consider what is best for your current relationship. At the end of the day, I think the better question is not, “Can I be friends with my ex?” The better question is, “What role do I want this person to play in my life, and does that role support both of our well-being?” If the answer is friendship, and both people are on the same page, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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