Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Hey Matt,
My boyfriend likes when I give him head, but sometimes I look up at him and he seems bored. Am I doing something wrong? He says he is liking it, but his face is telling a different story.
- Bethany
An oral sex question to start my week?! How did I get so lucky. Oral sex can be pretty polarizing in heterosexual relationships. Some women love giving oral sex, while others tend to hate it. Research shows that enjoyment is often tied to things like arousal, emotional connection, and whether the experience feels mutual rather than expected. For some, it can feel empowering, intimate, or even a turn-on to give pleasure, while for others it may feel pressured, uncomfortable, or disconnected from their own desire. I think it is great that you wrote in because typically we don’t know if what we are doing down there is working on not. While porn may be arousing, it is a lousy sex educator and usually wants you to be overly dramatic with everything (sounds exhausting to be honest). So, let’s talk about how to give good head and why it may be okay to trust your boyfriend when he says he is enjoying it.
Bethany, while I can’t speak for your boyfriend, I think it is important to note that perception isn’t always reality. What you are noticing is something a lot of people experience, especially in vulnerable moments like this. When you look up and see a neutral or still expression, your brain tries to make meaning out of it, and often it lands on something like boredom or disinterest. Boy, have I been there. If you are anything like me, you start to question your entire existence and want to GTFO of the situation altogether. But remember, we most likely don’t have all of the information. In fact, what you are seeing might be the exact opposite. A lot of people, especially penis owners, can look very still, quiet, or even zoned out when they are actually deeply focused on sensation. Pleasure does not always look expressive (another misconception we gathered from porn). Sometimes it looks like someone trying to stay in the moment or not rush the experience. Most penis-owners feel over the moon excited when someone wants to give them head. So, what reads as boredom to you might actually be someone trying not to get too overwhelmed too quickly.
Good oral sex is not about your mouth. It is about your presence. The biggest difference between something that feels incredible and something that feels disconnected is whether you are actually tuned in. People focus way too much on technique thinking that actually matters. In reality, technique changes from person to person because we are all unique and enjoy different experiences. I have heard it all over the years (e.g. go faster, go slower, more teeth, less teeth, make noise, don’t make noise). It changes from person to person, and even moment to moment. Paying attention to your partner’s breathing, their body, their subtle shifts, that is the foundation. If you are in your head trying to figure out if you are doing it “right,” you are already pulled away from the thing that makes it work.
I see a lot of people fall into the trap of treating oral sex like there is a finish line. Faster, more pressure, more intensity right away. That tends to backfire. Most bodies respond better to a gradual build. Think of arousal like a dial, not a switch. When you give things time to build and stay present with what is happening, you create a much better experience than trying to force a reaction. You hear me say it all the time, presence over performance. That also ties into consistency. One of the most common mistakes is constantly changing things up because you feel like you need to do more. In reality, when something feels good, the body wants you to stay there. Rhythm allows the nervous system to settle and lean in, and if you are bouncing around, it can actually pull someone out of the moment. Trust what is working rather than trying to impress.
At the same time, you should not have to guess your way through this. Sex is a two (or three or four) way street. Communication can take a lot of pressure off, whether that is a casual conversation outside of the moment or inviting feedback in a way that feels light and collaborative. Good sex is not about mind reading. It is about creating a space where everyone can be honest about what feels good. Check-ins during sex are essential to keeping everyone feeling comfortable. A simple, “how is this feeling?” goes a long way in helping us feel comfortable. It is also worth paying attention to what you need here. Underneath that moment of looking up and wondering if he is bored is likely a desire to feel wanted, to feel connected, to actually feel like what you are doing matters. I have your penis in my mouth, dammit! Validate me! I give you permission to ask for more engagement, whether that is verbal feedback, touch, or just more visible connection so you are not left filling in the blanks.
Bethany, I want you to know that this is less about mastering a perfect technique and more about being curious and building connection. If he enjoys it and you are showing up present and engaged, you are already doing a lot right. Gold medal for Bethany! Sex with other people is about mutual pleasure. We are not trying to read anyone’s minds. A good rule of thumb to remember is that each of us are in charge of your own pleasure, meaning, if you want something done to you or to do something, you will express it. The worst your partner can say is no, and even then, you have more information than you did before. That is how good sex actually gets built and being willing to stay in the moment together instead of trying to get it perfect.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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