Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Recently, I watched the new Netflix documentary on The Biggest Loser and the positive, but mostly negative impact, the reality show has had on society. I want to be on the record stating that I never watched that show and honestly, forgot about it until I was doom scrolling Netflix. It got me thinking about something you hear me talk about a lot in these columns: Erotophobia. As a reminder, erotophobia is essentially the fear of sex or the product of living in a society that says sex is bad. Because of this, we learn to believe and constantly reinforce a slew of harming messages. In life, what we say to ourselves matters. The way you talk about your body, your desires, and your sexual self can either fuel shame or build confidence. Most of us didn’t grow up with messages that were body-positive or pleasure-affirming. Instead, we were fed a steady diet of confusing, contradictory, and often harmful narratives about sex. No wonder many of us struggle with intimacy.
From a young age, we learn that sex is something to fear, avoid, or keep hidden. Just look at the world around us. Music often celebrates men for their sexual conquests while calling women “freaks” or “slutty” for enjoying the same things. Thankfully, we have made some improvements in the past decade, but unless we are using those terms to reclaim our sexuality, we are still perpetuating old stereotypes. Although I find it entertaining, shows like Euphoria put teen sex on blast but often highlight the chaos, shame, and self-destruction around it instead of modeling what healthy sexual development could look like. Reality TV like Love Island turns attraction and intimacy into a game, where people’s bodies are rated, compared, and swapped like trading cards. It’s entertaining, sure, but it also reinforces the idea that sex and love are about competition, looks, and having the “perfect” body. Even sitcoms recycle the tired “nagging wife vs. horny husband” trope, which only reinforces the message that sex is something men want, and women tolerate. Fun fact: Women think about and want sex A LOT. Click here to read more.
Layer on top of that religious and cultural messages equating virginity with value and casting pleasure as sinful, it’s no wonder so many of us carry shame around sexuality. To be clear: not all religions are sex negative. Some have traditions that celebrate sensuality, fertility, and pleasure. But the majority of mainstream teachings that people encounter don’t actively promote healthy, positive sexuality, and that silence often leaves just as much of a mark as outright negativity. It’s like telling a kid not to open a locked closet and expecting them not to try and open it. When you open it in my case, you find the Who Wants to be a Millionaireboardgame you were supposed to get for your birthday, and you are now disappointed.
This is why self-talk matters so much. We can’t always control the messages, but we can control what we repeat to ourselves. This is where affirmations come into play. I know, affirmations get a bad rap. If you don’t like that word, then just call these, “positive self-talk statements.” These statements aren’t about faking confidence. They’re about reprogramming your inner dialogue so your brain and body start to believe new truths about pleasure and sexuality. When I am signed up to play a tennis tournament, I can’t just show up and expect to win. I have to put in the work, hitting forehands and backhands, practicing my serves and returns, so that when the time comes to play my opponent, I am prepared.
Below are some affirmations I have created. I would encourage you to repeat these to yourself a couple times a week and take note of which ones are harder to speak than others. Say them out loud, write them down, or keep them in your phone for when shame starts to creep in:
I am beautiful and sexy.
I deserve sexual pleasure.
I have sexual energy.
My body deserves pleasure.
I am a great lover.
I am confident in my sexuality.
I will embrace my sexual desires.
Sex is for my pleasure.
My genitals are healthy and sexy.
I am open to new sexual experiences.
I am worth love and pleasure.
I believe in my sexual self.
My body is filled with sexual energy.
I am confident in my sexual ability.
I am more than just my orgasm.
Sex is for my enjoyment.
I am open to exploring my intimate self.
Self-pleasure is healthy and normal.
Healthy sexuality isn’t just about what happens in the bedroom, it’s about the relationship you build with yourself. When the world tells you sex is dangerous, shameful, or just a performance for someone else’s benefit, you have to fight back with your own voice. Self-talk is one of the best ways to do that. We do it every day. We tell ourselves that we are going to be active or that we just have to make it through this next meeting before we can take a break. I don’t know how many times I tell myself, “you got this,” before I greet a client. Self-talk keeps us moving through the sludge this world presents to us. So, be intentional, be kind, and remind yourself daily that you are worthy of pleasure, in and out of the bedroom.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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