Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Hey Matt,
I think my husband and I are heading into a sexless marriage. It has been 8 months since the last time we had sex. I don’t even feel aroused by him anymore. I hope this is just a phase, but my friends have said this can just happen and that I may be screwed.
- Carmen
Hey Carmen! Thanks for posing this question. As a reminder to all of you who are interested in submitting a question to be featured, click on this link here. You can give me your name and email or submit it anonymously without any identifying information, whatever is easiest for you.
Alright, with that out of the way, it sucks to hear that you and your husband are at this stage in your marriage. Although, I can’t say I am surprised. Once we migrate from the “honeymoon phase” into what I call the “maintenance phase,” we have to do just that: maintain passion. That, Carmen, is easier said than done. Having more sex comes down to understanding how desire actually works, how you and your partner talk about it, and how you keep things interesting without putting a ton of pressure on yourselves. So, let’s dive into how you can do that!
To start, Carmen, I am curious as to why you want to have more sex. Is it because you actually miss the intimacy and want to reconnect, or because some podcast told you couples who don’t do it three times a week are doomed? Spoiler alert: there is no research that states frequency truly matters. There is research out there that points to couples who have sex once a week report higher levels of happiness than those who have sex less than that. The same research also states that couples who have sex more than once a week do not report any higher levels of happiness and because of this, researchers conclude that quality of interactions matter more than quantity.
In my opinion, the best place to start would be tackling desire. You mention not feeling aroused by your partner these days. I am curious, why is that? Has he gained/lossed weight? Has his personality changed? Have you changed? We need to know the “why” so that we can tackle the “how.” For most everyone, arousal and desire tend to be responsive in nature. Meaning, outside of those who report desire feeling like a light switch, others report it needing to be activated. This means we have to know what turns us on and off, pay attention to the context we’re in at that moment, and find ways to dip back into being vulnerable with each other. If you’re waiting for desire to magically appear and it doesn’t, you might just be wired more responsively, which means you need some warming up. Totally normal.
We also want to pay attention to novelty as a way to spark interest again, because variety is what keeps the brain engaged, and desire, at its core, lives in the brain. When sex follows the same routine every time, our minds tend to tune out, and what once felt exciting can start to feel like going through the motions. We think, ‘Here we go again,’ instead of, ‘I can’t wait to get naked with you!’ But introducing novelty, even in small ways, creates a sense of surprise and anticipation. That could mean experimenting with playful teasing, trying on a bit of kink, changing the location, or simply breaking the usual script you both fall into. Novelty doesn’t have to mean something wild or out of your comfort zone; it just needs to be different enough to wake the brain back up. Over time, sprinkling in these moments of unpredictability can make intimacy feel alive again rather than something that blends into the background of daily life.
While understanding desire and novelty are important, here are a couple of things to avoid. First, we don’t want to constantly ask for sex. If you’re asking all the time and getting shut down, that rejection can pile on shame and pressure, and then sex feels like a chore. We also want to avoid sex negative messaging. This goes back to the articles you may read that promote brokenness if sex has faded. Remember, we’re all stuck living in a world that pushes cultural and societal garbage about what’s ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ when it comes to sex. Do your best to stay open-minded when you hear anyone, myself included, slipping into black-and-white thinking.
Now if you are looking for one of my favorite ways to get sex back into your life, scheduling it is the way to go. Yeah, I can practically hear the collective eye-roll through the screen. But scheduling sex doesn’t make it robotic; it actually gives you something to look forward to. If you know it’s happening Thursday at 7pm, then Monday through Thursday becomes foreplay. Little texts, playful touches, a “can’t wait to see you later” wink. That’s the good stuff. That is the stuff that reignites the spark. Even if it feels a little vulnerable. Growth happens when we feel uncomfortable. For those worried about it not feeling spontaneous, here’s a fix: make it a rule that you take turns surprising each other during the scheduled time. One week, maybe you bring out the massage oil; the next, your partner sets up candles or tries something new. Scheduled yet surprising, truly the best of both worlds.
At the end of the day, more sex happens when you focus on connection, pleasure, and quality, not just quantity. Carmen, I understand the frustration when you find yourself is a lull. My partner and I have been through this as well. What I want you to remember is why you chose to marry your husband. Desire ebbs and flows, but when you keep investing in intimacy, the spark has room to grow again. Trust that this season doesn’t define your marriage, it’s just one chapter in the bigger story you’re writing together.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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