Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
My wife and I have sex once every few weeks and I go through phases of wanting more and then not. I don’t know what is healthy. We have been together 15 years.
- Bryan
There are so many factors involved that I will go over, Bryan, but the short answer is that there is no magic number. First, “healthy” can be defined in many ways. Healthy couples can have sex multiple times a week. Healthy couples can have sex a few times a month. There are even healthy couples who go through periods of little or no sex at all. Remember, some couples have sex daily and report feeling disconnected from their partners. What matters most is not whether your relationship looks like someone else’s. What matters is whether everyone feels connected and satisfied with the amount of sex they are having. So, lets unpack this and figure out what is going to work for you.
In your case, Bryan, one thing that stands out to me is that you describe going through phases where you want more sex and other phases where you do not think about it much at all. Hear me when I tell you that this is extremely common. As much as romcoms want you to believe, desire is rarely static, especially after 15 years together. Our interest in sex can fluctuate as much as my desire to read for fun (which changes monthly). Desire (mental) and arousal (physical) are influenced by many things (e.g. stress, health, work, life circumstances, relationship satisfaction, aging, hormones, and about a hundred other variables). The fact that your desire ebbs and flows does not necessarily mean there is a problem. It is simply an indicator of a functioning libido.
That said, there is some fascinating research on the topic. In a study of more than 30,000 Americans, researcher Amy Muise and her colleagues found that happiness and well-being tended to increase as sexual frequency increased, but only up to about once per week. Couples who were having sex less than once a week reported lower levels of happiness. Interestingly, couples who had sex more than once a week were not significantly happier than those who were having sex weekly. In other words, once a week appeared to be the point where many couples maximized the relationship benefits associated with sexual frequency.
Now, before everyone starts putting “weekly sex quota” on the family calendar, it is important to understand what this research does and does not tell us. The study does not mean that once a week is the perfect amount of sex for every couple. It simply suggests that regular sexual connection may contribute to relationship satisfaction for many people. More sex was not associated with less happiness. It just was not associated with more happiness beyond that point. They also did not define “sex” in the study, so just engaging in any form of intimacy outside of penetrative sex may be just as impactful.
One of the biggest mistakes couples/polyam folx make is treating frequency as the goal. For the love of Serena Williams, we have to start changing this narrative. Frequency is not the goal. Connection is the goal. I have worked with couples who have sex several times a week and feel disconnected from one another. I have also worked with couples who have sex once or twice a month and describe their intimate lives as deeply satisfying. If you didn’t read the linked study, what the researchers concluded was that the quality of the sexual encounter mattered more than the number of times couples had sex. If you and your wife are both content having sex every few weeks, that may be perfectly healthy for your relationship. If one or both of you are feeling dissatisfied, then that becomes the conversation worth having.
We have a saying in the field that “sex begets sex.” When couples go long periods without physical intimacy, it often becomes easier to continue avoiding it. Life gets busy, stress piles up, and countless other demands can slowly push intimacy to the bottom of the priority list. On the other hand, when couples are regularly engaging in affectionate touch, flirting, emotional connection, and sexual experiences, intimacy often feels more accessible. The momentum works in both directions. Now, I know this is easier said than done. But if a “monster,” or fear of sex, hasn’t been created yet, it might be worth exploring. This is especially important because desire is not always spontaneous. Many people assume they should feel aroused first and then engage sexually. For a large percentage of people, particularly those in long-term relationships, desire is often responsive. It emerges after connection, touch, affection, and erotic engagement have already begun. Waiting around to magically feel horny can sometimes leave couples stuck in a cycle where neither person initiates because neither person feels immediate desire.
As I wrap up, I think we need to normalize the fact that sexual frequency changes across the lifespan of a relationship. The amount of sex you have at six months may look very different than the amount you have after five years, fifteen years, after children, during periods of illness, or while navigating major life transitions. Change is not necessarily a sign that something is wrong. The question is whether the couple can continue talking about those changes and adapting together. So how often should healthy long-term couples have sex? My answer is simple: often enough that both or all partners feel connected. For some couples that may be once a week. For others it may be once every few weeks. The healthiest couples are not the ones chasing a number. They are the ones who remain curious about each other’s needs and make room for intimacy in whatever way works for them, even if that means scheduling it.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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