Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Hey Matt,
How do I tell my partner that I want our sex to be a little bit rougher (spanking, choking). He is pretty passive and I am nervous I will scare him off.
- Briar
Well, Briar, I am all for anyone interested in exploring new avenues of their sex life. Wanting rough sex and being afraid to ask for it is a lot more common than people think. In therapy, I see this come up all the time, and it usually has less to do with the desire itself and more to do with what that desire means to someone. My partner and I still fumble over our words when we are bringing up something new to each other. Rough sex is a tricky one, especially for women. There is a real concern about how a partner might interpret it, especially when the specific desires feel more intense, like wanting to be choked or spanked. Your concern that you may scare him is completely valid and I want you to be prepared that there is a possibility he may not be as excited as you are at this request. That does not mean you should not do it. The reality is that sexual desire exists on a wide spectrum, and wanting intensity, power exchange, or more physicality during sex is a normal variation of human sexuality. So, let’s talk about how we can go about making this a successful journey for you and your partner.
As always, let’s start with some research that I think will be helpful. Studies on sexual fantasies, including work by Justin Lehmiller, show that fantasies involving dominance are incredibly common across genders. That includes fantasies around being overpowered, restrained, or engaged with in more physically intense ways. In fact, consensual non-consent, or rape fantasies, are common among vulva-owners. A significant portion of people report fantasies involving rough sex, even if they never talk about them out loud. That is data and it tells us something important. The desire itself is not the issue. The issue is the silence around it, especially when someone feels like their partner may not match that energy.
That mismatch is where things can feel even more complicated. If you are someone who wants more intensity, like choking or spanking, and your boyfriend tends to be more passive or gentle, it can create a kind of internal conflict. You might start thinking, maybe I am too much for him, or maybe this is just not who he is. While that might be true to some degree, it also might be a gap in communication rather than a fundamental incompatibility. Our brain in wired to protect us, Briar. What we need to do is give it enough information so that it sets us up for success instead of immobilizing us. A lot of people who seem passive are not necessarily unwilling, they may just be waiting for clearer direction, and if that is the case, we then have something to work with here.
As an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, I think it is important how we define rough sex. Rough sex for you, Briar, could be completely different than rough sex for me. For one person, that might mean firmer touch or more urgency. For another, it might include consensual choking, spanking, or a more dominant tone. Rough sex should never be assumed. Research in sexual communication consistently shows that couples/polyamorous folx who define their sexual wants clearly have higher levels of satisfaction and trust. When we leave it vague, especially with something as specific as choking or spanking, we increase the risk of miscommunication, which is exactly what your nervous system is trying to avoid.
Fear also shows up because people worry about crossing a line or pushing their partner into something they are not comfortable with. That fear is actually a good sign. It means you care about consent and your partner’s experience. What helps here is understanding that rough sex, when done well, is not about losing control. It is about creating a very intentional container where everyone involved feels safe enough to explore intensity. Studies on BDSM and consensual power dynamics have found that participants often report high levels of communication, trust, and emotional closeness. The intensity is negotiated, not assumed, and that is especially important when introducing elements like choking, which require very clear boundaries and safety awareness.
So, Briar, how do you actually bring it up when your partner tends to be more passive. You do it outside of sex, and you make it collaborative. Instead of presenting it as something he is not doing, you frame it as something you are curious about exploring together. You might say, “I have realized I am really turned on by more intensity during sex, like being spanked or even light choking, and I would love to talk about what that could look like for us.” That gives him space to respond instead of feeling like he has to perform immediately. It also helps shift him out of a passive role and into a more engaged one. It can also help to get very specific about what you actually want and what feels safe. Not just the act itself, but the tone, the pacing, and the boundaries around it. For example, what does choking actually mean to you, is it pressure, is it the symbolism, is it being guided physically. The more clarity you bring, the easier it is for your partner to understand and participate.
As I wrap up, I want to drive home one point, specifically. Briar, this is about giving yourself permission to want what you want. My hope is that you have created enough of a safe space with your boyfriend so that he is able to hear your request, even though the potential noise swirling around in his head. Desire does not make you too much, and your partner being more passive does not automatically mean this cannot work. What matters is whether the two of you can talk about it and create something that feels good for both of you. When that happens, you are not just asking for rough sex. You are building a more honest and adaptable sexual relationship, and that is where real growth and exploration happen. Keep me posted! I would love to hear how it goes.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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