Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Hey Matt,
I’ve read some of your columns, especially the ones focused on kink, but I haven’t seen you mention AB/DL yet. I am currently in a relationship with someone who identifies as an “Adult Baby” and it is hard to manage. Any words of wisdom would be helpful.
- Anonymous
As a kink-affirming therapist, I love any question that allows me to demystify any kink or fetish. The kink umbrella is so vast, with so many different kinds of non-vanilla options, that I wish I could tackle each and every one of them. As someone who has worked with individuals who fall under the spectrum of Adult Baby/Diaper Lover, or AB/DL, it can become pretty complicated. Thanks for sharing how hard it is for you, Anonymous. I have been able to share the space with those who practice the kink, the partner’s of those who practice, and family members who are “concerned” over the kink. What I have noticed is that acceptance falls on a spectrum More common kinks like sensory play and anal tend to be more accepted, while less common kinks like blood play and AB/DL tend to be shut down. My hope with this response is to provide some next steps that may make this new relationship dynamic more manageable.
First off, I want to talk to all of you reading this directly: don’t yuck someone else’s yum. Just because something might not be your flavor of kink doesn’t mean it’s wrong, bad, or shameful. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned as an AASECT Certified Sex Therapist is that curiosity goes a lot further than judgment. You don’t have to like a kink to respect the fact that it brings someone else joy. Personally, I am not the biggest fan of pain play, but that doesn’t mean I am going around calling those people who are “freaks” or “gross.” If you can lean into openness, you might be surprised at how much more compassion and understanding you’re able to bring to your own relationships. Most, if not all of us, have some sort of desire we haven’t shared with our partners. So, do your best to practice empathy when reading this.
Alright, let’s clear up the terms. AB/DL stands for “Adult Baby/Diaper Lover.” The AB side is about role play, adults who take on baby or childlike roles, which can involve wearing diapers, bottles, pacifiers, or engaging in nurturing dynamics with a caregiver. Remember, not all kink is sexual in nature, and some adult babies have no sexual motivation for their role and only enjoy engaging in playing activities. The DL side is more about the diaper itself, where the turn-on comes from wearing or using diapers without the role-play component. Some people lean more heavily toward one side than the other, but many people fall somewhere in between. If you want a comprehensive overview, including specific roles (e.g. Littles, Middles, Bigs) and more talk of age play, check out this link here.
When we explore why people engage with this, it could be for a number of reasons. For some, it’s deeply tied to comfort and regression (i.e. returning to a childlike state can create feelings of safety and release from adult pressures). For others, it’s about power dynamics and the intimacy that can come from caregiver/little roles. When looking at DLs, the diaper itself can be erotic, soothing, or even tied to specific sensory experiences. Like any kink, AB/DL is multifaceted: it can be sexual, nonsexual, or both depending on the person. What matters most is that, for those who practice it, it provides connection, pleasure, and often a sense of identity within the kink community.
Being the partner of someone who practices this kink can be difficult. The most important starting point I tell my clients is to open up communication and try your best to not judge your partner. It can feel surprising when a partner shares any new kink or fetish they desire, but try to approach it with curiosity instead of shutting it down. Ask open-ended questions about what it means to them: is it about comfort, sexual arousal, stress relief, or something else entirely? From there, you get to decide what feels comfortable for you to participate in. You don’t have to dive all the way in if it doesn’t feel right, but finding small ways to affirm your partner’s interests, whether that’s using kind language, supporting them in finding community, or exploring the edges of the kink together, can go a long way in building trust and intimacy.
At the end of the day, kinks like AB/DL don’t need to be a source of shame for those involved. If this continues to be a struggle for you two, working with a kink-aware sex therapist can create a safe space to explore what it means for your relationship and how to navigate any fears or boundaries. There are also resources out there, from online forums and kink-affirming communities to educational books and podcasts, that can help normalize these conversations and reduce stigma. I wish I could tell you that this would be an easy journey, but it probably won’t be. This is going to require continued vulnerability from everyone involved and a willingness to evolve, separate and together. But I will say, the more you learn, the more you realize that sexual expression comes in countless forms, and that’s what makes human sexuality so beautifully complex.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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