Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Hey Matt,
My husband and I have been married for almost ten years, and while we love each other deeply, our sex life feels predictable. Is it normal for things to feel a little stale after this long? I just want things to feel natural again
-Anonymous
Nothing like talking about stale sex to start the week. Hey Anonymous! Thanks for posing this question. First off, congrats on being married for ten years. That is huge! My partner and I have been together for nine, and I can honestly say our sex life has cycled through being fully ignited to completely burnt out more times than I can count, and I do this for a living. If anyone should have this figured out, it’s me. As I say to my clients, it’s not “if” your sex life fades, it’s “when.” You mentioned things have started to feel “predictable.” What does that mean to you? Is it the same positions, the same time of day, or maybe the same routine that’s started to feel less “sexy”? Or is it something deeper? We have to unpack why sex often becomes predictable, and why the solution to your problem might actually start outside the bedroom.
Let’s start with a bit of science. Research from social psychologist Dr. Arthur Aron as well as psychotherapist Ester Perel has shown that novelty activates the same reward systems in the brain that were firing when you first fell in love. Those early stages of infatuation are filled with dopamine, norepinephrine, and excitement because everything feels “new,” the way your partner smells, touches you, or even says your name. Over time, familiarity replaces that uncertainty, and while comfort and security grow (which is often the goal of intimate encounters), that dopamine-driven thrill can fade. I often tell my clients that relationships go from being a new, shiny toy to a treasured antique. While, not all love hearing me call their relationships an antique, the point is that our relationships turn into something that feel more special to us. It’s not that desire disappears; it’s that the brain stops reacting to what it already knows.
That’s why novelty is so important in long-term monogamous relationships. It doesn’t mean you need to reinvent yourselves or start skydiving naked (this felt like the right example). It’s about reintroducing curiosity, play, and a little bit of risk, the very ingredients that helped build your connection in the first place. Curiosity can look like asking each other questions you haven’t asked in years, like “How do you like me to flirt with you?” or “What is your biggest turn on?” Play might be trying something light and fun that breaks the routine, like a sexy game, or a shared fantasy you build together. If you need any ideas for games, click here. Finally, risk doesn’t have to mean something big or intimidating, although it can be. Honestly, it’s as simple as saying a desire out loud you’ve been keeping quiet or letting yourself be seen a little more vulnerably. These are the moments that reignite those neural pathways of excitement and desire, the same ones that were firing when everything felt new.
Now, can we talk how you mentioned things feeling “natural.” I want to pause there, because that word gets thrown around a lot in conversations about intimacy, and it is not my favorite. Nothing about intimacy is natural to us as humans. All of this is learned. You don’t just innately know how to have sex. You learned it, just like you learned how to flirt, how to communicate, and how to read your partner’s cues. Time and time again through trial and error, you gained the knowledge and experience that shaped who you are as a sexual creature. When it comes to this marriage, Anonymous, you learned how to make love to this specific person and if you learned it once, you can learn it again. It might feel clumsy or awkward at first, like relearning a language you let slip away, but that’s okay. That discomfort means you’re growing again.
As cliché as this sounds, relationships are hard work. Really hard in fact. They are not meant to be effortless, but instead, evolve. When the initial novelty wears off, the work begins. One of my favorite sex therapists, Chris Donaghue, once said that no one should commit to another person, or people, until after one year of dating. ONE YEAR! Could you imagine that in our society? He makes this claim in large part due to wanting the relationship to move through the fun, novel phase, and into the working phase so that those involved can determine if they want to continue doing the work or not. Because once you can make a choice to stay and work, without new relationship energy clouding your judgement, you have a greater chance of finding that success. So with that, ask yourself: What would it look like to get curious about your partner again? To treat them as if there’s more to discover (because there is)?
At the end of the day, Anonymous, nothing about this means your relationship is broken or failing. It means you’re human and you’ve been with the same human for a long time. Jeez, if my partner expected me to be the same person I was nine years ago, I don’t know if he would even like me anymore because not only has he evolved, but our relationship and what we expect of each other has as well. In relationships, the spark doesn’t keep itself lit; we choose to relight it over and over again. So instead of waiting for desire to magically return, start building the conditions that help it grow. I challenge you today to choose one small action that will move you two into a more intimate dynamic. Get curious, lean into play, take small risks, and remember that intimacy is a skill you keep learning together. If you can shift from “Why isn’t this effortless anymore?” to “How can we tend to this together?” you’re already halfway back to the passion you’re missing.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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