Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Hey Matt,
Sometimes it is just easier to fake my orgasm than continue to have sex with my boyfriend. I feel bad, and it doesn’t happen every time, but I just want it to be done and I can see it means so much to him. Should I tell him I am doing this? I’m afraid he will be upset.
Thanks,
Anonymous
Faking orgasms is extremely common in partnered sex. Have you ever wondered where the “orgasming at the same time” trope came from? One very common explanation for this comes from the world of movies and television shows. Rarely does mainstream entertainment show “The Orgasm Gap,” the well documented pattern where men tend to orgasm more consistently than women in heterosexual encounters. Part of the reason for this is simply practical. Directors have to shoot scenes that move the story along, so it becomes easier to make the sex shorter and have both characters orgasm at the same time rather than portray the more realistic pacing of pleasure. Over time, these repeated portrayals shape expectations about what sex is supposed to look like, and when real life does not mirror those scripted moments, some people feel pressure to perform or signal that everything is going well, which can contribute to people faking orgasms.
Research on faking orgasms shows that it is relatively common for both penis-owners and vulva-owners, although women report doing it more frequently. Studies suggest that about 30 to 75 percent of women say they have faked an orgasm at least once, with some large U.S. samples finding that around 58 percent of women report having done so in their lifetime. Men also report faking orgasms, though at lower rates. Research estimates that somewhere between 11 and 34 percent of men have pretended to orgasm at least once. While the behavior is often discussed as deception, many researchers view it as a response to social expectations around sex and performance. Cultural messages frequently imply that sex should end with orgasm, sometimes even a simultaneous one, which can create pressure for people to perform pleasure even when it is not actually happening.
The reasons people report faking orgasms are often tied to relational dynamics and social pressures rather than manipulation. One of the most commonly reported reasons is protecting a partner’s feelings or avoiding embarrassment if orgasm does not occur. Others say they fake orgasms because they want the sexual encounter to end or because they feel it would take too long to reach orgasm. Some people also report doing it to avoid conflict, to reduce awkwardness, or because they feel pressure to orgasm and believe that is what their partner expects. If I have said it once, I have said it 100 times, an orgasm is only 5% of a sexual encounter. The other 95% is about being mindful and connecting not only to your body, but also the individuals involved.
Shame or embarrassment about their body or sexual response can also play a role, leading someone to perform pleasure rather than risk a vulnerable conversation. Research also connects faking to the broader orgasm gap in heterosexual relationships, where men report orgasming more consistently than women during partnered sex. In clinical settings, therapists often view fake orgasms as a communication signal rather than a moral issue. It can reflect discomfort discussing pleasure, uncertainty about one’s own sexual response, or relationship patterns that make honest conversations about sex more difficult.
In her book, Good Sex, Dr. Candice Nicole Hargons adds an interesting layer to the conversation behind why vulva-owners specifically fake their orgasms. Research shows that faking orgasms and the reasons behind it are most likely tied to the women’s attachment style. While people who have a secure attachment can still fake an orgasm, Dr. Hargons cites different research showing that the people who may have more of an avoidant attachment style tend to fake orgasms to end the experience quicker where people who may have more of an anxious attachment style tend to fake an orgasm to boost their partner’s self-esteem. No matter the reason, shame usually start to manifest and create a feeling of disconnection and discomfort.
What I can say, is that there is no need to feel shame about this. Whatever the reason behind you faking it with your boyfriend, it does not make you a bad person, Anonymous. These motivations simply reflect the social expectations and pressures that many people carry into their sexual lives. Instead of judging yourself, it can be more helpful to approach this with curiosity and compassion for yourself, first, and then easing into a conversation with him.
I want you to first understand your reasoning behind it. Are you bored? Tired? Do you want novelty? Are you doing it to boost your partner’s self-esteem? Whatever the reason, or reasons if it changes every time, we want to understand it ourselves so we know how to communicate it.
You cannot control whether or not he gets upset. All you can do is speak from a place that feels authentic to you and share your perspective. Remember the “I statement” formula. Here is an example: “I am feeling tired sometimes when we are having sex and instead of telling you, I fake an orgasm so that we can end it.” See how the conversation unfolds from there. My hope is that you two will be able to come to an understanding that orgasms are not the be all end all of a sexual encounter, and that what is required for you to experience one is more likely very different than what is required for him. Long-term intimacy requires vulnerability to grow.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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