Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
One of the most common concerns I hear as an AASECT certified sex therapist sounds something like this: “I don’t understand what happened to my sex drive.” People often assume there is something wrong with them. They worry they are no longer attracted to their partner, that their relationship is falling apart, or that they have somehow lost an essential part of themselves. I am sure we can all relate to those sentiments. Our libido does not live in a vacuum. What I mean by this is that just like meetings at work can impact your mood, many areas in your life can influence your desire. While there are certainly many reasons libido can change, one of the biggest culprits is also one of the most overlooked: stress.
Stress does not just live in your mind. It lives in your body. When your brain perceives stress, it releases cortisol, often referred to as the body’s primary stress hormone. Cortisol is incredibly helpful when you need to escape danger, solve an immediate problem, respond to a crisis, or are getting chased by lions. The problem is that many of us are no longer experiencing short bursts of stress. We are living in it. Deadlines, financial concerns, parenting, caregiving, endless notifications, relationship conflict, political uncertainty, and in my case getting married this week, cortisol elevated for days, weeks, and sometimes even years. When your body is focused on survival, it has very little energy left for pleasure.
Think about it this way. Imagine you have spent the entire day running from a bear. You finally make it home, lock the door, and collapse onto the couch. Your partner walks over, gives you a kiss, and says, “Want to have sex?” Most people would laugh, or in my case give a puzzling look, because the answer is obvious. Your body is still trying to survive. While most of us are not literally running from bears in Cleveland, our nervous systems often cannot tell the difference between a charging predator and an overflowing inbox, mounting debt, or a never-ending list of responsibilities. To your brain, stress is stress.
This is one reason why so many people tell me they “want” to want sex, but they just cannot seem to get there. They may genuinely love their partner and find them incredibly attractive. Yet every time they finally crawl into bed, their brain is replaying tomorrow’s meeting, the laundry that still needs folded, the argument they had three days ago, or whether they remembered to pay the electric bill. Their body is saying, “How can you think about sex when there are dishes in the sink?!” One of the biggest mistakes couples/poly folx make is assuming that low desire automatically means something is wrong with the relationship. While relationship challenges can certainly affect libido, a decrease in sexual desire is not always a sign that love has disappeared or attraction has faded. Sometimes it is simply a sign that your nervous system is exhausted.
I have worked with countless individuals who deeply love their partners, find them physically attractive, and genuinely miss having an active sex life. The issue is not a lack of desire for their partner. It is that their brain and body have become so consumed with managing stress that pleasure has quietly slipped to the bottom of the priority list. Understanding that distinction can replace blame with compassion and open the door to working together instead of turning against one another. If you are the partner of someone who experiences a lot of stress, it is important to understand that 9 times out of 10, it has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness.
This can also create a painful cycle within relationships. One partner notices that sex has become less frequent and begins initiating more often, hoping to reconnect. The other partner, already overwhelmed by stress, begins feeling guilty for saying no. They may even avoid affection because they worry every hug or kiss will lead to pressure for sex. Suddenly, the problem is no longer just stress. It has become anxiety, guilt, resentment, and disconnection layered on top of one another. Ironically, all of those emotions increase stress even further, making desire even less likely to emerge. The loop has officially started.
The good news is that reducing stress does not simply improve your mental health. It often improves your sex life as well. That does not necessarily mean quitting your job or moving to a beach. It means intentionally creating moments where your nervous system can shift from survival into emotional safety. Taking a walk after dinner, practicing mindfulness, exercising, laughing with your partner, having uninterrupted conversations, getting adequate sleep, or simply putting your phone away for an hour can all help lower stress and create more room for desire. Sex is not just about attraction. It is also about whether your body feels safe enough to experience pleasure. I could be married to Henry Cavill and if I have had a full day or stressful clients, I am not going to want to play.
This week, I want you to try a simple exercise. Before you even think about having sex, rate your stress level on a scale from one to ten. Then ask yourself one question: “What is one thing I could do in the next fifteen minutes that would help my body feel even one point calmer?” Maybe it is taking a shower, listening to music, stretching, asking your partner for a hug with no expectation of sex, or simply sitting outside for a few minutes. The goal is not to force yourself into desire. The goal is to help your nervous system remember that it is safe enough to experience pleasure. Often, that is where a healthier sex life begins.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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