Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Hello readers! I hope all of you had a phenomenal end of the year and are starting your 2026 in good spirits. I don’t know about you, but I find there is a love/hate relationship with the idea of, “New Year, New you.” I remember reading in grad school that most New Year’s resolutions fail, and while I expected that number to be high, I did not realize it was close to 80 percent by mid-February. When you think about it, it makes sense. We are often encouraged to make big changes without being taught how to sustain them. That idea of sustainability is where I want to pause for a moment, because if we are honest, most conversations about change completely leave out sex. While sex doesn’t need to be thought about 24/7, I never hear people mention their resolutions around it. So, to help you do exactly that, I want to offer five new rules around sex, along with a few practical steps to help you actually live them rather than abandon them by February.
To start, I wanted to mention a rule I share with all of my clients that I believe is foundational to creating healthy and sustainable sexuality. It’s called, “sex is for you,” and it is rooted in changing a central script for all of us. So often, sex becomes something we perform for someone else rather than something we experience for ourselves. Sustainable intimacy begins when you remember that your sexual self belongs to you and no one else. I don’t care if you are in a monogamous relationship, it is toxic to think that your sexuality belongs to another person. Your body, your desires, your boundaries, and your curiosities matter. If one of you doesn’t want to have sex, we honor that and explore other options, not force ourselves to do something we aren’t in the mood for. This can create a disconnect for ourselves and in 2026, that isn’t cute anymore.
A practical step here is to check in with your intimate self each week. That might mean asking yourself what felt good, what felt off, or what you want more or less of right now. This does not have to involve partnered sex. It can be solo pleasure, fantasy, rest, or simply noticing how your body responds when you slow down and listen. If you are in a relationship, practice incorporating conversations about wants and desires more frequently. One of the best pieces of wisdom I ever heard around consent and autonomy is this: when someone tells you ‘no,’ you can trust their ‘yes.’ Remember that the next time your partner shares a different interest than you do. It’s about learning and collaboration, not pressure and expectation.
Another key shift is moving away from frequency and toward quality. Turning sex into a numbers game creates pressure quickly, and pressure is one of the biggest blockers to desire. Who cares if your girlfriend and her husband have sex three times a week. That sex could be extremely disconnecting for one or both of them and they are just doing it because they feel like they have to. Sustainable sex is less about how often it happens and more about how present and connected you feel when it does. A practical step here is intentionally lessening outcome-based expectations. Intimacy does not always need to lead to orgasm, penetration, or a specific ending. Sometimes one deeply attuned moment is far more nourishing than multiple rushed ones. So, if decreasing to once a week allows for more attention to your desires, I say go for it.
Next up, 2026 needs to be the year of reigniting passion again. We want to remember that one of the ways passion is sustained is through novelty. Long term desire thrives on curiosity rather than repetition. Novelty does not mean doing something extreme or overwhelming. It means allowing room for exploration and play. This is where kink can be a helpful tool. Kink is not about doing everything; it is about consent and intentional experimentation. Exploring a new fantasy, role play, sensory experience, or dynamic can interrupt routines that feel stale. A practical step is to choose one small element of novelty and talk about it openly, with curiosity instead of pressure. If you want a fun resource, check out this link here.
Rule number four involves something I hope most of you are already doing: check-in conversations. Regular check-ins about sex help prevent distance and resentment from quietly building. For people in relationships, a monthly conversation about intimacy creates space to talk about what is working, what feels stuck, and what might need adjusting. One misconception about sex therapists is that people believe all we think sex should be the number one priority in relationships. That could not be farther from the truth. We just want it to be a priority. Talking with those involved in the relationship can help. These conversations should feel collaborative, not critical. If you are single, this still matters. Prioritizing your sexual self might look like reading, listening to podcasts, or journaling about desire and pleasure. Staying connected to your sexual identity helps reduce shame and disconnection over time.
Finally, 2026 is not about comparison. Comparing your sex life to friends, social media, TV shows, or any form of entertainment will almost always lead to frustration. I consume a lot of content for my work and if I tried to keep up with these dudes on, for example, Heated Rivalry, I don’t know what else I would have time to do. Sustainable intimacy requires honoring your own pace and capacity. Do not yuck someone else’s yum, and just as importantly, do not yuck yourself if your desire looks different or if you are not wanting sex at all right now. Desire ebbs and flows, and that flexibility is a sign of health, not something that needs fixing.
As a wrap up, remember this. The main goal of sex is pleasure. Not performance. Not comparison. Not checking a box or living up to someone else’s expectations. Pleasure is personal and allowed to change over time. When we keep that as the anchor, many of these “rules” soften and become guides instead of pressure. If you want more support in unlearning shame, reconnecting with your body, and building a healthier, more grounded relationship with your sexual self, the course on my website, Reconnecting With Your Sexual Self: Embracing Intimacy and Healthier Sexuality is a great next step. Give yourself permission to be curious this year. I don’t think you will regret it.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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