Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Hey Matt,
My partner and I are curious about exploring kink, but we have no idea where to start. Is there a safe way to dip our toes in without it feeling overwhelming?
-Anonymous
I love this question because the fact that you are asking it tells me you are already approaching kink in a thoughtful way. Exploring kink does not have to mean jumping into the deep end. It can simply mean taking it one step at a time and having fun with it. Remember, “kink” can simply mean anything that falls outside of “traditional” intimacy. From hair-pulling to humiliation, kink is about freedom and moving at a pace that feels comfortable for everyone involved. There are many ways people can begin to explore kink, but one of my favorite ways is with something called a Yes No Maybe list. It sounds simple, but don’t let that fool you. This activity can be incredibly powerful when it comes to understanding your own desires and navigating them with a partner.
A Yes No Maybe list is exactly what it sounds like. You take a range of activities, including kink related ones such as light bondage, power dynamics, impact play, role play, or sensory play, and you sort them into three categories. “Yes” means you are genuinely interested. “No” means that activity does not feel aligned for you. “Maybe” is where curiosity lives. Maybe can mean you would consider it under certain conditions, or that you need more information before deciding. The beauty of this exercise is that it moves you away from vague curiosity and into clarity. You want your “yes” to feel enthusiastic and your “no” to be equally as certain. One tip I tell my clients is that it is common to have a ton of “maybes,” because there are probably going to be many activates you have never heard of before (i.e shibari).
Before you do this together, I strongly recommend doing it individually. Sit with the list on your own. Notice your reactions. Pay attention to your body. Does something feel exciting? Does something feel tense or uncomfortable? Is there an interest that surprises you? Embodied consent is knowing how you feel in any given situation. While kink can bring up excitement and warmth in the body, it often brings up shame because many of us were not taught that desire can be diverse and still be healthy. You must not only follow the “relationship escalator,” but also always engage in vanilla sex. Doing this exercise alone first allows you to separate your authentic curiosity from the fear of judgment.
It can also be helpful to ask yourself where your curiosity is coming from. Are you drawn to the sensation aspect of kink? The psychological aspect? The power exchange? The novelty? Understanding what part of kink is intriguing to you makes it easier to tailor your exploration in a way that actually feels aligned instead of performative. I know when I first started my journey into the world of kink it felt empowering because I had already done so much hard work in another part of my sexual self: my queer identity. Anything after that exploration was going to be a piece of cake! It is important to note too that not all kink is about sex. Sometimes it is about subtle shifts in control or anticipation. Kink is a lifestyle, and one that deserves to be understood internal with yourself, and externally with a partner.
Once you both (or everyone involved) have your lists, come together and share them. Set the scene if you need to. I would suggest a glass of wine and a lit tobacco/cedar candle. Then, start the activity. The goal is not to negotiate or persuade. We aren’t trying to convince our partners of anything. Look at this as a fact-finding mission. The goal is understanding. Look for shared yeses. Those are your starting points. We can start incorporating those activities almost immediately. If something is a yes for one of you and a maybe for the other, slow down and talk about conditions. What would make it feel safe? What boundaries would need to be in place? If something is a no, that is information, not a challenge. Respecting no is foundational in kink. Consent is not a technicality in these spaces. It is the core. If you find that your partner is not respecting your no, then we need to think about stepping away from the dynamic.
If you decide to try something new, start small. Kink does not have to be extreme to be meaningful. It can be as simple as experimenting with power language in the bedroom, incorporating light restraint with clear check ins, or playing with anticipation and control in a way that feels playful rather than intimidating. If you are into humiliation, start with name calling. If you like sensory play, grab a blindfold. Agree ahead of time on boundaries and create a way to pause or stop if needed. Afterward, debrief. Talk about what felt good, what felt awkward, and what you might adjust next time. That reflection is where growth happens. Aftercare is essential!
When it is all said and done, exploring kink is less about performing and more about deepening trust. It invites vulnerability. It asks you to communicate directly about desire, control, surrender, sensation, and fantasy. When done intentionally, it can strengthen a relationship because it requires honesty and active consent. You are not just trying something new. You are building a language around your erotic selves. Take your time. There is no rush. Curiosity is something you nurture. If you approach kink with clear communication, you are already doing it right.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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