Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Hey Matt,
Why is porn so wild and intense? I feel like I am watching a stylized version of sex. I know it is not supposed to be realistic, but then why don’t we see more realistic porn?
-Mark
Let’s start with something important: porn is not inherently bad. I feel like most people think sex therapists are all about porn when in reality, we aren’t. However, we do understand the impact of purity culture and why so many humans feel threatened by it. Part of my job is to challenge harmful misinformation, especially when those misconceptions ruin relationships, but I digress. The issue is not that porn exists. The issue emerges when porn quietly becomes the only outlet for people to learn about sex. Many people absorb ideas about intimacy, bodies, and pleasure from what they see on a screen, then feel confused or inadequate when real experiences do not match those expectations. In my work, I regularly sit with individuals and couples who feel disconnected not because something is wrong with them, but because they believe sex is supposed to look and feel like a performance rather than a shared human experience.
Porn is filmed entertainment. I call it the “Marvel Cinematic Universe” of adult entertainment. Performers appear effortlessly confident, always knowing what to do, with no awkward pauses or uncertainty. Their bodies adhere to conventional, western beauty standards, and the only noises that are made are those of pure ecstasy. Real sex looks different. It includes laughter, repositioning due to discomfort, moments of checking in, smells, queefing, and it can feel awkward at times. When people begin focusing on how they appear or whether they are performing correctly, they leave their bodies and move into self-monitoring. Porn performers rarely show angels with back fat or a protruding belly, even though they have it too. Anxiety rises, pleasure drops, and connection fades when we pay too close attention to how we look instead of how we feel.
Another gap between porn and reality involves desire itself. Porn often portrays arousal as immediate and constant, as if attraction automatically leads to instant readiness for sex. Human desire rarely works that way. Many people experience responsive desire, meaning arousal grows through emotional safety and gradual connection rather than appearing spontaneously. A fun way of imagining the difference is by equating someone who had spontaneous desire as a microwave and someone who has responsive desire as an oven. When partners expect instant enthusiasm, they may interpret slower desire as rejection or loss of attraction, when in fact their sexual response is functioning “normally”. Real desire tends to unfold, and that unfolding creates space for intimacy that cannot be rushed.
Porn also presents a narrow vision of bodies and physical responses, which can distort how people view themselves. Real bodies are diverse, unpredictable, and they age. It is common and expected that arousal will fluctuate, energy will shift, insecurities will show up, and bodies will respond differently from day to day. None of this signals dysfunction. Comparing oneself to performers whose work is designed to create fantasy sets expectations no real person can consistently meet. Remember, this is their job. They position themselves to fit a certain expectation that is either required by them or set internally given their experience. For us non-erotic performers, sex is not a visual production meant to look perfect. We don’t have to abide by specific standards. We can just exist, and existing provides us a freedom that a lot of people in the porn industry don’t get to experience when filming.
None of this means porn must disappear from someone’s life. Fantasy has always been part of human sexuality, and imagination and curiosity are healthy parts of sexual expression. In fact, there is more realistic porn out there then you may expect. We call it “Ethical Porn,” and I have attached a list of websites who promote it here. Ethical porn is sexually explicit material (SEM) created with a focus on consent and the wellbeing of everyone involved in the production (especially women). Rather than prioritizing shock value or profit alone, ethical productions center performer autonomy, meaning performers actively choose the scenes they participate in, set boundaries that are respected throughout filming, and are paid fairly for their work. There is an emphasis on clear communication before, during, and after filming, along with safer working conditions and honest marketing that reflects what viewers are actually seeing. Ethical porn also tends to challenge narrow beauty standards and scripted expectations by portraying a wider range of bodies, identities, and expressions of pleasure, helping shift pornography away from exploitation and toward a model grounded in respect and mutual desire.
So, Mark, porn is so wild and intense because most of it is created that way. Maybe in a future article I will do a deep dive into the history and impact of porn, but for now, we just need to know that porn is entertainment, and like all entertainment, there are many genres within it. If we want to see more realistic interactions, I would check out the list linked above. When it comes to non-performative sex, communication and curiosity matter far more than technique. When people feel accepted and desired, their nervous systems relax, allowing pleasure to emerge naturally rather than through pressure or performance. If your sex life does not resemble porn, that is not a failure. It is often a sign that your intimacy is real, evolving alongside your journey through life. The most meaningful sex is not about perfection but about feeling present and connected with another human being. That is what I want all of us to strive for.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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