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Boundaries. One of the most misunderstood and misused concepts we talk about today. As a relationship therapist, I see people proclaiming their “boundaries” all the time without realizing that what they are actually naming is not a boundary at all. There is a version of setting boundaries that gets talked about everywhere right now. It sounds confident. It sounds empowering. It sounds like someone who has finally learned how to stand up for themselves. Sometimes that is exactly what it is. Other times, it is something else entirely. Not every boundary is actually a boundary. Some are rules dressed up in therapy language, some are ultimatums with better branding, and some are attempts to manage another person’s behavior because we feel anxious or afraid of getting hurt. So, let’s talk about what happens when boundaries stop being about protection and start becoming about control.
Let’s start with a definition. A boundary, at its core, is about you. It is about what you will do, what you will tolerate, and how you will take care of yourself if something does not feel okay or safe. It is not about dictating someone else’s behavior. That is where things start to get messy. Saying, “If you speak to me in a disrespectful way, I will step away from the conversation,” is a beautiful boundary because it centers your response. Saying, “You are not allowed to speak to me like that,” shifts into trying to control the other person. The difference can feel subtle, but it changes the entire dynamic.
This gets even more complicated in romantic relationships because control rarely shows up as something obviously harsh. It usually sounds reasonable. “I need you to text me every hour when you are with your friends.” “I am not comfortable with you not sharing your location with me.” “I can’t be friends with the opposite sex/gender.” These are often framed as boundaries, because we are stating something that we feel insecure about, but they are actually attempts to reduce anxiety by limiting someone else’s autonomy. The anxiety underneath them is real. The fear is real. The desire for reassurance makes sense. The problem is not the feeling, you are allowed to feel all of these things. The problem is how that feeling gets expressed.
When boundaries become controlling, resentment tends to build. The person on the receiving end starts to feel managed instead of trusted. Even if they agree at first, over time it can feel like they are constantly walking on eggshells or needing permission to exist in the relationship. That kind of dynamic erodes connection pretty quickly. What is actually being expressed in these moments is not a boundary, it is a rule. A rule in a relationship is something placed on another person’s behavior rather than rooted in your own. It often comes from discomfort or anxiety, where one partner asks the other to agree to certain limits so they can feel more secure. While it may be framed as mutual, agreement does not always mean true consent, as people often go along with rules to avoid conflict or protect the relationship. Over time, this leads right back to resentment and a sense of being controlled rather than trusted.
What is interesting is that the person setting the “boundary” (aka the rule) does not actually feel better. Control works as a short-term anxiety reducer, but it rarely holds up long term. You might feel calmer when your partner texts right away or follows a rule you set, but the underlying fear does not disappear. It usually comes back asking for more reassurance, more structure, more monitoring. What started as one request slowly turns into a pattern that is harder to maintain. As this dynamic continues, the relationship can lose its authenticity. People begin to act in ways that are compliant rather than honest. They say what will keep the peace instead of what is actually true. Once that happens, the relationship is no longer built on trust. It becomes something that is managed and maintained rather than experienced. This shows up in monogamous relationships all the time, and in poly dynamics it often gets amplified because there are more moving parts and more opportunities for insecurity to surface.
So what do you do? Well, the alternative is not to ignore boundaries. Instead, we want to get honest about what is underneath the urge to control. Most of the time, it is fear of being replaced, fear of not being enough, or fear of losing connection. When that fear is named directly, the conversation shifts. Instead of trying to eliminate discomfort by controlling a partner, you open the door to collaboration. Saying something like, “When I do not hear from you, I notice I get anxious and start to spiral. I do not need constant updates, but I would love to find a way we can stay connected that feels good for both of us,” invites connection instead of restriction.
If you are reading this and feeling a little called out, that makes sense. It was sort of my point in writing this article. I get these rules and requests that people make. Most people are not trying to control their partner, they are trying to feel safe. When something feels uncertain or threatening in a relationship, it is human to reach for structure or reassurance in whatever way we know how. I do it too when I am feeling really anxious. This is not about getting it perfect or shaming yourself for how you have shown up. It is about noticing the pattern and getting curious about it. If you can pause and ask yourself, “What am I actually afraid of right now?” you are already moving in a different direction. That awareness is what creates the space to shift from control into connection.
Healthy boundaries are what we want in all relationships, romantic or not. You are allowed to say what you can and cannot do. You are allowed to name your capacity and your limits. The difference is that you are not forcing someone else to change in order for you to feel okay. You are expressing what works for you and allowing them to decide how they want to respond. That is where real consent lives. Protection says, “I will take care of myself.” Control says, “I need you to act differently so I can feel okay.” Only one of those creates a relationship where people feel both safe and free.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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