Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Dear Matt,
Tale as old as time, but my boyfriend hates when I pull out my wand. He gets that it helps me have an orgasm, but he wishes we didn’t have to lose it. I don’t know what else to say.
- Xena (not my real name)
Hey Xena! Whether it is your real name or not, my hope is that you are a “warrior princess” and have an amazing battle cry. Now, while I am reading some frustration in your submission, I am also sensing some resignation. I wish I could say that this was going to be an easy conversation to navigate, but it seems like you have already tried to no avail. So, let’s see if I can help in any way. The battle between man and sex toy can probably be traced back to the beginning of life on this planet, but don’t quote me on that. In reality, toxic masculinity combined with a lack of sex education often plays a huge role is why men feel like they need to be the sole reason why you have an orgasm. A lot of men are taught that it is “their job” to get their partner off and if not, they have failed. If only it were that easy. Orgasms for all humans are complex and while for some it may be a walk in the park, for others, we need to drop the ego, and listen to what is being asked.
Sometimes I sit in my office with a client and, with full confidence, tell them they have never given their partner an orgasm. This is usually welcomed with a dumbfounded expression and total confusion. “What do you mean I have never given my partner an orgasm before? I do it all of the time.” Because I value being an ethical and kind therapist, I go into the explanation I am about to give you so that you can understand the complexity of this euphoric state. The biggest sex organ in the human body is not any genital, but instead, the brain. The brain has the ability to shut down all of our arousal and lock us up at the most inopportune times. For penis owners, this can take the form of erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation, and delayed ejaculation while for vulva-owners, this could look like pain during penetration and female orgasmic disorder. This is important to remember for everyone who wants to have an orgasm during partnered sex. It does not matter how great you are at “having sex,” the person (or people) you are having it with must be in the right mindset to get there.
This would be a good time to talk about the “orgasm gap.” On average, penis-owners orgasm much sooner than vulva-owners. Studies show that men tend to reach orgasm in about five minutes during partnered sex, while women average closer to 17 minutes. That difference may not sound huge on paper, but in the bedroom it creates a very real gap in pleasure, one that leaves a lot of vulva-owners feeling left behind. This gap matters because when one partner consistently finishes sooner, it doesn’t just impact physical satisfaction, it can shape how couples think about sex, intimacy, and even their self-esteem. It’s not about blaming anyone’s body, but about recognizing that sex isn’t a one-size-fits-all timeline. For couples, this often means talking openly about pacing, adding more foreplay, or exploring different ways of giving and receiving pleasure so that everyone’s experience feels valued and complete.
Unfortunately, the competition between humans (particularly penis-owners) and sex toys can impact the pleasurable experience of vulva-owners. When a partner feels like they’re “losing” to a wand or dildo, insecurity and performance anxiety can creep in, which ironically makes pleasure even harder to reach. But the truth is, toys aren’t competition at all. As corny as I am about to sound, they’re teammates. They can help bridge the orgasm gap, add variety, and enhance connection when used with intention and curiosity. Instead of viewing toys as a rival, if your partner feels like it is his “job” to make sure you have an orgasm, he needs to think of them as an ally in creating more satisfying, playful, and inclusive sexual experiences for you (and ultimately, him).
One of the best things you can continue to do here, Xena, is reframe this with your partner as a shared journey instead of a performance. Let him know that your wand isn’t a replacement, but instead, a support tool that helps you experience more pleasure, which in turn makes intimacy more fun for both of you. It does not have to be your job to fight his ego. If he does need some support with that, he can reach out to a certified sex therapist who can tackle that for you. Sometimes it helps to remind partners that orgasms aren’t the onlymeasure of good sex, but they sure can make the experience a lot more rewarding when everyone can experience it.
When it is all said and done, remember that these conversations take time and more importantly, intention. If you cherish this relationship and want to see it succeed, this conversation is a crucial one to have so that you two and continue to grow and evolve together, not apart. If he bristles at the idea of toys today, that doesn’t mean he always will. Stay patient but firm in voicing your needs. I don’t need to tell you this, but your pleasure matters just as much as his. The healthiest sexual connections are built when both people can set aside ego, lean into curiosity, and celebrate the tools (toys included) that make sex more enjoyable. Trust me, the couples who learn to do this often discover that their intimacy deepens in ways they never expected. You know your partner better than I do, Xena. Approach him in whatever way you think works best and just remember, this isn’t a sprint. It’s a marathon, and the important thing is that you both get to the starting line.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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