Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
Hey Matt,
Sometimes after I have an orgasm I cry. Is this normal? It doesn’t happen all of the time but it probably happens like 80% of it. My friends say they don’t cry so I am starting to think something is wrong with me.
Crystal
Hey Crystal! You probably don’t realize this but writing in and asking that question is going to help a lot of people. Emotional releases like crying (or laughing) are common after sex. I hear this a lot in my work. More specifically, people often tell me they reached orgasm, everything seemed enjoyable, and then, almost out of nowhere, they found themselves crying or laughing or passing out. Their first instinct is usually to assume something is wrong. When it comes to the criers, they worry that the tears mean they secretly regret the experience, that they are unhappy in their relationship, or that there is some hidden emotional issue waiting to be uncovered. While those possibilities deserve attention if they fit your situation, the reality is that crying after an orgasm is much more common than most people realize.
If we start from a clinical lens, this experience is often referred to as postcoital dysphoria, a phenomenon in which someone experiences sadness, tearfulness, irritability, or emotional overwhelm following consensual and otherwise satisfying sexual activity. Research suggests that it is not particularly rare. Studies have found that a significant number of people report experiencing postcoital dysphoria at least once in their lifetime, and some experience it more regularly. Importantly, it can happen regardless of gender, sexual orientation, relationship status, or whether the sex itself was pleasurable. In other words, you can have a wonderful sexual experience and still find yourself unexpectedly crying afterward.
One reason this can happen is because orgasms involve a dramatic shift in brain chemistry. During sexual arousal and orgasm, your body releases a variety of neurochemicals including dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins that contribute to pleasure, bonding, and reward. Immediately afterward, your body begins transitioning back toward its baseline. For some people, that rapid change feels emotionally neutral. For others, it can create a sense of vulnerability or emotional release. Think of it like the emotional letdown some people experience after accomplishing a major goal. The experience was positive, but your nervous system is suddenly shifting gears.
Another important factor is that orgasm often lowers our emotional defenses. During intimacy, many people experience a level of vulnerability that they rarely allow themselves in everyday life. Your body relaxes, your muscles release tension, and your guard temporarily comes down.
Sometimes emotions that have been sitting quietly beneath the surface suddenly have room to emerge. Those emotions may have nothing to do with your partner or the sexual experience itself. They may be related to stress at work, grief, anxiety, loneliness, or simply the relief of finally letting go after carrying emotional tension all day. The orgasm did not create those feelings. It simply created enough emotional space for them to surface.
For others, the tears may be connected to past experiences. Individuals with histories of trauma, shame surrounding sexuality, difficult relationship experiences, or messages that sex is “bad” may find that intimacy activates complicated emotional memories. Again, this does not necessarily mean something went wrong in the present moment. Rather, the nervous system sometimes links current experiences with old emotional learning. This is one reason trauma-informed sex therapy often focuses not only on what happened during sex, but also on the beliefs and experiences that shaped how someone learned to relate to intimacy in the first place.
I also want to point out that not all tears mean sadness. I have worked with many people who cried because they felt profoundly loved, deeply connected, or overwhelmed by the intimacy they experienced with their partner(s). Just as people cry during weddings, while holding a newborn, or after hearing life-changing news, tears can simply be the body’s way of expressing emotions that feel too large for words. Our culture tends to treat crying as a sign that something is wrong, but emotionally speaking, tears often represent intensity rather than distress. On a personal note, do you know how often I cry when I listen to Florence + The Machine? More times than I would care to admit to the greater Cleveland population.
So, what should you do if you cry after an orgasm? First, try not to panic or immediately search for a catastrophic explanation. Our world depicts sex in a very specific way and whenever something happens that falls outside of that rigid box, we can think something is wrong. Just approach yourself with curiosity. Ask yourself what you are feeling rather than assuming you already know the answer. Are you sad? Relieved? Connected? Overwhelmed? Numb? Safe? The answer may not become clear immediately, and that is okay. If you are with a partner, gentle reassurance often goes much further than trying to “fix” the tears. Sometimes what someone needs most is a hug, quiet presence, or simply permission to experience whatever is happening without judgment.
As I wrap up, if crying after orgasm happens frequently, causes significant distress, or is accompanied by persistent anxiety, depression, flashbacks, or relationship difficulties, it may be worth speaking with a therapist who specializes in sexuality. Sexuality is not simply a physical experience. It is deeply connected to our emotions, relationships, nervous system, and life experiences. Sometimes tears are simply tears. Other times they are an invitation to better understand ourselves. Either way, they are not something to be ashamed of. Like so much of human sexuality, they remind us that pleasure and emotion are often far more intertwined than we realize.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
Subscribe to Cleveland Scene newsletters.
Follow us: Apple News | Google News | NewsBreak | Reddit | Instagram | Facebook | Twitter | Or sign up for our RSS Feed