Sober? Cleveland? How Dare You, Men’s Health!!!

The editors of Men’s Health have named our fair city everything from stupid and stressed-out to fat and toxic.
But nothing offends like the title they’ll be dropping on Cleveland in next month’s issue: the 16th most sober city in the country, which is kind of like saying LA is one the cleanest cities in America, or Parma one of the safest. (Oh, wait …)
And how did Men’s Health come up with this blasphemous accusation? According to a Plain Dealer article, the magazine devised its rankings by comparing national data on everything from alcohol-related deaths (from things like liver disease), drunken-driving arrests, and MADD regional report cards.
But it appears that Men’s Health has a bit of trouble analyzing data, or else they would have taken into consideration a few key factors about Clevelanders. For one, we don’t die of liver disease, because we aren’t pussies. (OK, we probably get do liver disease. But we don’t bother to tell anyone). We’re professionals when it comes to driving drunk — plus, our police officers have bigger concerns than Wes and Wendy West Side driving home from the bar, like murder. And our mothers don’t whine about drunks, because they’re too busy getting smashed with us.
C-Notes firmly demands a retraction to this libelous, false accusation. To the editor’s of Men’s Health: You can find us at Little Bar if you’d like to apologize in person. Shots of Jameson on you. — Denise Grollmus

This article appears in Nov 28 – Dec 4, 2007.