Dining out with friends and family can be one of life’s greatest pleasures. But it also can be maddeningly frustrating when the customs, policies and systems of a particular place don’t align with our expectations. As dining editor, I get tons of mail from readers who share their gripes – not so much about an individual place, but rather a general practice that bugs the crap out of them. Here is a short list of common beefs. And, of course, I added a few quibbles of my own for good measure.
Websites
Considering the perverted amount of blood, sweat, tears and cash that restaurant owners sink into the pursuit of their dreams, it’s unconscionable to not publish a website with a current version of the menu, let alone hours, reservation policies and phone numbers. And Facebook, while an acceptable add-on, is no replacement given that more than half of your potential customers aren’t users. The Internet (and increasingly mobile-friendly apps and sites) is no longer the future, you might have heard.
Restricted Happy Hours
Everybody loves happy hour – that’s why it’s called “happy hour.” But whoever came up with the rule that those $2 drafts and $1 sliders can only be enjoyed at the bar and not that open bar table should be reassigned to the HR department, because there’s nothing fun about fighting over the last remaining barstool or eating while standing.
Paper and/or Plastic for Dine-In
Paper and plastic (assuming they’re recycled and recyclable) are fine for take-out orders. But there’s something wholly unsettling about eating a hot meal off a plastic plate, all the while attempting to slice through a piece of meat with a wobbly plastic knife. Can all that waste actually be less expensive than hiring a dishwasher? Oh, and that flimsy tin “silverware” isn’t much better.
Table for Screw You?
If we just slide this table over here, nudge that table a bit closer to the wall, and turn this one 90 degrees towards Hell, we can squeeze in one more deuce. Let me ask you something, Miss Hostess. If I were ushering you and your date over to that craptastic table in the corner by the service station, would you be thrilled? Didn’t think so.
Big Plates/Small Tables
We get it: Those colossal white platters that you (and everybody else) scored at the restaurant supply store make your food look amazing. Too bad your table is so small that only one and a half of them fit at any given time. And no, I’m not done with that just so you can make more room. P.S. Those oversize plates do nothing to keep that pretty food warm.
A Cold Breeze Blowin’
You don’t need Betsy Kling’s Twitter feed to inform you that it’s freezing in Cleveland come the “off season.” If diners near the door get frostbite with every arriving and departing customer, you did it wrong. And all the plush velvet drapes in the world strung half-assedly in front of the door aren’t likely to improve the ill-considered design of your restaurant, in Cleveland.
Missing Salt and Pepper Shakers
Yes, Chef, you know more about proper seasoning than a diner could ever hope to comprehend. Your precision-tuned tastebuds can detect a nanogram of salt from 50 paces in gale-force winds. And yes, too much pepper will obliterate the idyllic spice balance in that dish of yours that took years to perfect. Still, can you please pass the salt and pepper?
Delayed Bread Service
We know what you’re up to Mr. Sneakypants: If we order dinner when we’re famished, we’ll order way more food than we can possibly eat and enjoy (how that is good for repeat business I’ll never know). So you withhold the bread basket like a Promise Keeper on prom night in hopes of upping the check averages. Just send over the basket and we promise we’ll call you in the morning.
Gone Fishin’
Happens every time: We take a shower, blow-dry our hair, get dressed, drive across town, and yank on the door to your restaurant only to find out that you didn’t bother to do the same. Not adhering to one’s stated days and hours of operation is the first step toward total and irreversible anarchy. Please don’t push us any closer than we already are.
Can I Please Use the Restroom?
What is this, middle school? We’re adults who haven’t had to ask permission to use the restroom since we were in social studies class, so why do we have to ask you, in front of a room full of strangers? Afraid somebody is going to filch the soap? Well, at least that balloon-whisk keychain isn’t embarrassing or anything.
Cash Only
True story: I once bought a $1 item from a flea market vendor using a credit card because I had zero cash on me. You know what? She pulled out her trusty iPhone, slid my card right through, and handed over my purchase. If food trucks can figure out the technical wizardry required to run a credit card, so too can you. Oh, it’s expensive to process credit cards? Guess what…
This article appears in Dec 4-10, 2013.
Nailed it Trattner…..
ESPWCIALLY the whole credit card thing…
Hear us CAFE’ MIAMI??????
Wow. What an asshole.
I’m convinced the Cold Breeze Blowing post is in response to Chocolate Bar. Great article.
Great article. Should have given small hints to which establishments are guilty of said practices…
The tiny and too small tables scream Melt. As much as I like their food the size of the place is always annoying.
While you make some valid points, I must contest a few of your gripes:
1. If these are “general practices” of restaurants, why are your expectations different? Because these general practices are “customs, policies, and systems,” wouldn’t it stand to reason that these “general practices” should, in fact, be expected?
2. Tables. Don’t blame the hostess for the quantity of tables and seats crammed into a restaurant — that’s determined by the owner. The hostess is only there to greet you and seat you. If the table by the service station is the last one in the house, you can either take the table or go somewhere else to eat.
3. Happy hour. It’s designed for the thirsty post-work bar crowd, not for tables designated for dining in. If you know anything about running a restaurant, happy hour is bar-only for a reason. It’s better than no happy hour at all. And bar food at happy hour is typically finger food. Not a big deal if you’re standing.
4. Salt and pepper shakers. It’s disappointing to see a food editor take such a sarcastic and disparaging tone. Yes, when a good chef puts together a particular dish, it is done so with intention. When you review a restaurant, do you “obliterate” the food with pepper first and then try it? Or do you let the food stand on its own merit?
5. Bread service. Bread is not an appetizer. It’s an accompaniment to the meal. So don’t be surprised if you don’t get bread until you get your meal.
6. Operating hours. It’s a definitely bummer when a restaurant isn’t open when it says it will be, but if this is such a frequent problem, why don’t you just call ahead to make sure it will be open? You can probably look up the number on your smartphone. Technology is the way of the future, after all.
7. Cash only. There are a few different types of fees involved when accepting credit cards. A business typically ends up paying about 2 to 3%. If a cash-only business starts accepting credit cards, it will be reflected in the price of goods offered to the consumer. You will end up paying for the convenience of using your credit card. A cash-only policy isn’t going to deter someone from eating at a good restaurant. Just be prepared. If you think 2% is an insignificant amount, I guess you didn’t mind when Cuyahoga County had raised its sales tax from 6% to 8%.
8. Finally, which places are you going to where they hand out plastic dinnerware and have bathroom keys? I thought those were only at fast food joints, not at restaurants that get the attention of a newspaper/magazine review. By the way, if you’re a grown up who has a problem asking for a bathroom key, didn’t you know that everyone poops? Not a big deal: http://www.amazon.com/Everyone-Turtleback-Library-Binding-Edition/dp/0613685725
Don’t sweat the small stuff.
Transplant1 is on point. This article is garbage. The “food writers” in Cleveland are no better than yelp reviewers.
Those that go just for happy hour tend to waste the restaurants time. In addition most happy hour folks never tip the proper amount. Limiting the happy hour just makes sense. Biggest bug is saving .03¢ / table with no napkins tough market overall
LOVE the point about restaurants (hello Momocho) that won’t pass along happy hour prices on the patio. The staff there also needs social graces 101 classes. His food is just ‘meh’. Nice article, Doug.
As far as 7 to the commenter, it’s been proven time and again that people spend about 25% more when using plastic. Not accepting credit cards doesn’t save a business money. It cost the business.
From a service standpoint, if you eat ten baskets of bread and then complain about your meal, know I’ll be waiting outside for you, because my steller owner/operator will give you your meal for free while I bend over to take it up the cuss!
Transplant 1 – you probably haven’t visited a good happy hour lately.
These articles are becoming such dirt merchant trash lately… who are these journalists…the kids who failed out of journalism class?
I am complete
Stupid mobile post function!
I meant to say I am completely on board with the website/Internet issue and completely agree that everyone really ought to have broke down to accept credit cards these days. I own my own business myself and would still rather make a bigger sale and accept credit cards with the 2-3% hit than miss out completely on sales or annoy my customers by not accepting them.
As for the commenter who said “but you can call ahead” if you want to know hours/menu/etiquette/etc., have you ever tried this before???? It’s a ton easier and faster for me AND the business to get the info from the website than it is to get a hold of a human on a busy night! It is completely inexcusable for restaurants not keeping details such as current hours, reservation/call ahead seating procedures, current menu, and expected attire on their website in the 21st Century. It is insane that I would need to call to confirm this information every time!
As for the other points, I have no idea what places serve food that way…but I mostly agree. In some cases I can’t blame busy restaurants for squeezing in one more table in a semi-crappy spot, as I’m sure most customers would prefer to just to have a table, not so much that it’s in a perfect spot. There are reasonable limits to this though.
Why all the bitching and moaning about the writer? Strike a nerve? I’ve been reading this guy’s reviews for years and they’re usually spot-on; calling him names doesn’t change that. Yes, we know that restaurant ownership/management is tough work with long hours and customers can be pains. And too many customers treat servers like crap. However, as someone who loves a good meal out and who’s pretty low maintenance, I’ve still been stuck eating too many meals in a parka (this is true all over NEOhio), going hunting for the salt and pepper shakers, and begging for the bread basket if the place has decent bread and we’re hungry. Now, I don’t care much about the plate size, know that seating in a tiny place may not be optimal, and would prefer not to eat with plastic ware (but will gladly do it if the food is fantastic,) but there is still some content worth paying attention to here. Dismiss it all at your own risk.
When I used to wait tables, it was well understood in restaurant culture that NO PLATES were cleared until EVERYONE at the table was finished eating. (The only exception is if a patron requests that their plate be cleared.) I can’t remember the last time I was ever honored with this courtesy. To me, this practice is a true sign of a fine restaurant. I’m a slow eater, and I know there are others who like to savor the food, as well as the experience. Stop rushing me along and stealing the plate of anyone who hasn’t scraped a fork along it in the last 30 seconds!
so why do restaurants hand out frozen butter (the traditional spots)–by the time you can spread it, meals over
Love how the internet bequeaths industry knowledge with the strike of the “enter” key. Watch:
How do the words “plastic ware/paper napkins”, “bathroom key”, and “cash only” equate with the word restaurant? Why would you return to that restaurant?
Restaurants take reservations for a reason, and it is not to inconvenience the guest.
Taverns and Bars do not. If you show up late for a happy hour, or the place is busy, or you didn’t read the limitations on the advertisement, why should the owner make room for you? Happy hours are to attract bar business, not to offer a bargain basement dining option. Not a restaurant issue.
Why does everyone get so chapped about S & P? There isn’t a chef worth his salt that thinks he knows what a diner should or shouldn’t like. And, there isn’t a restaurant worth it’s salt that doesn’t have S & P available on request for your meal, just like a pepper mill. In a restaurant, I would no more expect shakers on the table than a salad fork for a salad I didn’t order. Not to put this on the dinners, but if I sat down and there were no napkins or silverware, I would ask for them knowing I will probably need them. You like S & P? Why not ask BEFORE you get halfway through your food? If the food is that flavorless…
Where is it written that Free Bread is a civil right? Some restaurants charge for their bread which I find fair but distasteful. Most “free” bread I find as an afterthought and pretty reprehensible anyway. Bread is a foil to a salad and a mop for a delicious sauce, neither of which are on your table when you sit down. Here’s a tip: If you want free appetizers, make your reservation a half hour later and stop in the bar for a cocktail first, there are likely chips or nuts on the table or available by request. Unless there is a “Happy Hour” and there are no tables.
The table by the kitchen gets seated LAST. Don’t be that guy. If you like a restaurant, learn the table numbers and ask for them when making your reservation. Restaurants like people that like them and want to make them happy.
If there is a blanket covering the door that leads directly into the room you are seated or the plates are bigger than the tables, you are probably in a tavern, bar, or gastropub, not a restaurant. There is a distinction.
I am guessing this was meant to be a tongue-in-cheek humor piece for the dull days after the new year. It isn’t funny that these constructive criticisms are directed at establishments that may not have presented themselves as a restaurant but get graded as one giving restaurants a bad rap. If I go to a pub and get restaurant service, I can be very happy. If I go to a restaurant and get pub service, unless the food is stellar, I don’t go back. No problem.