It’s hard not to catch Olympic fever, what with all the national pride and international athletic prowess on display in a slew of events familiar and not so much. It got us thinking here at Scene HQ what events would be featured in a Cleveland version of the games. Which ones are you medaling in?
Credit: @7KellyWhat is the farthest a human being can throw an object? The longest throw of an object without any velocity-aiding feature is 427.2 m by David Schummy with a boomerang.This man throwing a beer to a ship in Cleveland is not bad tho 🚢[📹 7hillskelly]pic.twitter.com/qK9SxtFkFv— Massimo (@Rainmaker1973) October 30, 2023
Throwing a Beer From the Edge of the Cuyahoga to a Freighter
Think you have an accurate and powerful arm? Trying tossing a Garage Beer in front of a crowd from the banks of the river to an awaiting receiver aboard a freighter on the Cuyahoga. One man has done it. Others should try.The Greasy Pole
Competitors have long flocked to St. Rocco’s annual festival to climb to the heavens up a greasy pole. It takes teamwork, skill, luck, balance, strength, and a whole lot of bravery. Credit: Scene ArchivesTiny Car Racing
“That bitch runnin’ off three triple A batteries,” said the trusty narrator in the video as the Philips No. 7 whipped into the intersection in 2021 in a surprise cameo in a video otherwise meant to capture a traffic accident. And viral fame was achieved. Think Formula 1 crossed with go-karts. Only in Cleveland, as they say. Credit: Scene ArchivesPolish Boy Eating Competition
Gird thy loins and stock up on the Pepto. Cleveland’s iconic sandwhich, one born beautifully out of the city’s cultural crossovers, would naturally be at center stage for all the aspiring Joey Chestnuts out there. Credit: Scene ArchivesFish Derby
“We got weights in fish!” How many lead balls can you stuff into a Lake Erie walleye? That’s the question that will be asked in honor of the two disgraced fishermen once caught in a national scandal after a competition on Lake Erie revealed that they were huge cheaters. Credit: Scene ArchivesStage Diving at a DIY Show at AdultMart
How far can you leap off a dumpster or wall in the parking lot of Cleveland’s finest adult store while a local heavy metal band thrashes in the background? And can you achieve fame while wearing jeans and a hoodie or will that hamper your jump? We’ll find out one day. Alternate venue, of course, should a hiccup occur, will be the Taco Bell on W. 117th. Credit: Scene ArchivesBeer Can Pyramids
While beer can snakes have become all the rage, locals know it takes true skill not to simply shove one beer cup into another but to build structures from empty Miller Lites in The Corner that would draw praise from Egyptian gods. How high can you go? Credit: Scene ArchivesSnow Penises
A hallowed tradition when snow descends on the city, the fine art of drawing giant penises in snow has been a staple of wintertime recreation probably since Moses Cleaveland first set his eyes on freshly layered powder. The judging is sure to be tough, with attention paid to anatomical accuracy and artistic flourishes. Credit: Scene ArchivesThe Pit Climb
Show off your hand grip and courage after a few too many tailgating pops by summiting the wall of The Pit. Credit: Scene ArchivesBack Deck Snow Pictures
Calling all dads! Show off your best photographic skills by capturing how much snowfall has accumulated on your deck. Judges may award bonus points for assorted outdoor furniture that was not safely stored before the season changed. Credit: Scene ArchivesPublic Records Quest
Chances are you’ll have no shot against Ed Gallek, but submit as many public records to the City of Cleveland as possible with scores based on how many are returned within a reasonable amount of time. Spoiler: Everyone loses. Credit: Scene ArchivesBlossom Car Hunt
What aisle? Where? Maybe by that sign? Is this the way we came down? Perhaps I shouldn’t have taken that ‘shroom that guy offered. Credit: Scene ArchivesStipe vs. The World
Try to take down Stipe Miocic. Good luck. Credit: Erik Drost/FlickrCCJohn Daly hitting drivers over a highway and onto a high school football field in Akron, OH pic.twitter.com/jfKbWsUGB5— Matt Considine (@consequential85) July 6, 2022
I-76 Long Drive
Ok, the inspiration comes from down in Akron but you can’t have Cleveland Olympics without some golf, and in this case, that means channeling John Daly and taking whacks with a driver over I-76. Watch out commuters, there are sure to be some shanks.
