A CONSERVATIVE EULOGY

Behold the USS Republican. She was once a grand lady that sailed America’s ideological seas bearing dinner tables worthy of Norman Rockwell, lush thighs from whence butterscotch promises were released only after the proper nuptials were uttered and morals that were renewed with intent every Sunday morning. Amen, brother.

But Ronald Reagan’s “morning in America” has long since faded for
the crew of the USS Republican. The few remaining passengers have
amassed on the far starboard deck, and the old girl is listing badly.
Look there as beleaguered right-wing intelligentsia hang on nobly to
the sinking pulpit. Why, that’s George Will with his hand frozen in a
loyal salute, as the common water laps at his feet. And is that a lone
tear I spy rolling over Tony Blankley’s cheek? Is he lamenting the
sinking ship or his own inability to do the smart thing and climb
aboard a blue lifeboat like Arlen Specter?

I am a liberal, and I admit this scene fills me with delicious glee,
however shameful that may be. But now that trickle-down economics has
dribbled down the sewer, now that the Bush administration’s Wall Street
fellatio has come to fruition, my gloating is hardly unearned. To that
end, I’ve taken it upon myself to enumerate the elephantine troubles of
the political right. Call it a public service.

The “nontraditional” Republicans ain’t doing so good. I give
the conservatives credit. They’re digging desperately among their ranks
in search of anyone who isn’t old, rich, white and male. Their voices
rise over the burnt wasteland of their party. “Let a thousand flowers
bloom!” they bellow. OK, great. Let’s take a look at this new
multi-cultural bouquet:

Michael Steele: Apologizing to overfed gasbag Rush Limbaugh.
Defiantly announcing “I’m done” regarding his relationship with the
president (ooooh, I’ll bet Obama really shook in his boots after
that!). Does anyone seriously believe that Steele is the man to bring
conservative principles to “urban-suburban hip-hop settings?”

Bobby Jindal: First off, he’s freaky with religion, supporting
creationism and intelligent design and interpreting the Bible
literally. Read a few paragraphs of his accounting of an exorcism, and
you won’t want to sit next to him on a bus, much less vote for him to
be, say, captain of a kickball team. Nonetheless, he’s touted as a
rising star of the right wing. But when Jindal stepped upon the
national stage for that much-anticipated Republican rebuttal to Obama’s
February speech, he performed with the finesse of a Disney animatronic
figure (although his speech wasn’t as compelling as what you’ll hear in
the “Hall of Presidents” over at the happiest place on Earth). Does
anyone seriously believe we’ve got a contenduh here?

Sarah Palin: Confidential to my fellow lefties: During the 2008
campaign, I poked around enough to know that there were plenty of
intelligent things to be said for Sarah Palin’s career. Fights with the
Alaskan legislative body often had her on the fiscally sensible side.
But did we hear about any of that? Hell no! I like to credit the
intrepid Republican image team: Listen, sugartits, you’re a pit bull
in lipstick. Got it? Good. Now hitch that baby up on your hip, get
making with the winks and stick to the script!

Of course, the righties made a cartoon out of Palin. Say
“conservative woman” and you’ve just said kitten-eating Ann Coulter or
Lucifer’s own construct, Michelle Bachmann. And if all the inside
mishandling wasn’t bad enough, now Palin’s got that little Levi
Johnston problem. Does anyone seriously believe he’ll disappear by
2012?

The everyday righties are really mad. By way of deluding
myself into believing I am keeping my finger on the pulse of the common
man, I often peruse the blood-red pages of the blogosphere. What I
invariably find is a gaggle of angry white guys who’ve been backed into
a corner and are swinging furiously at the air. Here’s an example from
“Oldandevil2”: “The only thing I can think about the people who are
still blindly supporting [the Obama] administration is that they are
worthless fucking crack whores who have never had to answer for a
fucking thing in their life.”

Or try these musings posted on the day of Obama’s inauguration by
Internet phenom “Velociman”: “Fuck him. That dandy, that piebald pimp.
And his rat-shack wife, who was strolling down Pennsylvania Avenue
today incomprehensibly dressed like one of the terra cotta soldiers
from the Imperial Tombs of China exhibit. Only with a fatter ass. And
snappers that looked like they could chomp through a coconut.”

And from “Dan O,” who reportedly hails from LaGrange, Ohio: “I fear
for the future. No exaggeration. If there are that many ignorant people
in this country who think this monkeyfucker is doing good, then just
bring the end now. Why drag it out?”

Jeepers, I think somebody needs a nap.

Say “conservative” and you’ve just said senior citizen, very
senior citizen. Last fall during an interview with George
Stephanopoulos, John McCain kept describing himself as a “Teddy
Roosevelt Republican.”

Gee. Let me dust off the trusty ol’ 1970 World Book and start
figuring out exactly what it means to be a “Teddy Roosevelt
Republican.” Aha. I see the Tedster died in 1919. I guess that means
McCain in about 150 years old.

Here’s another Code Orange News Alert for all you indignant
conservatives bellowing “socialism!” Guess what? That term has zero
emotional significance for anyone under the age of 45. Cold war? Russia
is no longer an evil superpower but another country that can be seen
from the shores of Alaska. Time, my aged darlings, has marched on. You
have not.

Political arenas change all the time, and maybe there’s someone
within that tangle of red faces, white skin and blue blood that can
save this sinking ship. In the meantime, please forgive me for enjoying
the sound of gurgle, gurgle, gurgle.

Visit the May 5 post at erin-obrien.blogspot.com for a
complete set of links.

This article appears in May 6-12, 2009.