You just turned 216, Cleveland. Happy Birthday. How does it feel?
Slightly boozy? Like you’re driving the struggle bus? Like you should have heeded the life advice of the wizened Berenstain Bears when they laid out the dangers of having too much birthday? We’ve all been there.
But you’re here now, alive and conveniently numbering the same digits as your area code. Bet all those 440ers are jealous, as they always are. How did you get here? And do you remember any of it?
Below, a definitive annotated history of our delightful Forest City, in case you need a refresher.
July 22, 1796: Moses Cleaveland arrives on the banks of the Cuyahoga and is tired of traveling west. “This will do, I guess,” he famously says. “Bring me someone named Russo or Murphy to look after things when I leave.”
1800: Cleveland gets its first distillery. Population at the time: 7 people. Population with a constant 0.150 BAC: 7 people.
1835: Cleveland is graced by its first dentist, a young chap named Benjamin Strickland. Which begs the question: what was everyone doing before that?
1836: The Bridge War is fought between Ohio City and Cleveland. General Sam McNulty seen wielding broken bottles as weapons and putting Post-It notes reading “MINE” on empty storefronts.
This article appears in Jul 18-24, 2012.
This is sadly incredibly accurate but also hilarious at the same time. At least this ends on a positive note…although hungover, Cleveland is no longer stumbling around drunk. So the city can pick itself up, dust off the garbage, and try to get back on track.