Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Cuckolding Seems Wild. Can You Explain Why People Like It?

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

If there’s one kink that gets totally misunderstood, it’s cuckolding.

Remember when Will Smith destroyed his career and caused many of us to feel extreme discomfort when he smacked Chris Rock at the 2022 Oscars? News reports and blog posts in the following weeks kept calling him a “cuck” for many reasons, most of them having nothing to do with where that term is derived. I hear the word “cuck” thrown around all the time, mostly by straight, cis men, and almost always as an insult. It’s used to mock guys in relationships where a woman has more perceived power, whether that’s financial, social, or even just being more assertive. Honestly, it still blows my mind that we live in a society where a man can be shamed just because his partner makes more money than he does or drives a “fancier” car. There’s this deep-seated fear that any shift in traditional gender roles somehow makes a man less of a “man.” But power dynamics in relationships are way more complex than that. And cuckolding? It isn’t about weakness. It’s about trust, communication, and, in many cases, deep emotional and sexual satisfaction.

Before diving into cuckolding specifically, it’s important to distinguish it from a related kink called hotwifing, as well as cheating. Cuckolding involves a male partner (the cuck or cuckold) who derives pleasure from his female partner (the cuckoldress) having sex with another man (the bull). Humiliation and power dynamics often play a central role, as many cuckolds enjoy the psychological aspects of submission, emasculation, or feeling “less than” compared to the bull.

In contrast, hotwifing involves a woman (the hotwife) engaging in sexual encounters with other men (or partners) with the enthusiastic approval of her primary partner. Unlike cuckolding, humiliation is not a key component; instead, the focus is typically on the husband’s pride, excitement, or compersion (i.e. pleasure derived from his partner’s pleasure). The hotwife’s experiences are often seen as a way to enhance the couple’s sex life, with the husband either watching, participating, or hearing about them afterward. The key difference between cuckolding and hotwifing lies in the emotional and psychological dynamics involved, particularly regarding humiliation and power dynamics.

Cheating also gets wrapped up in cuckolding, but so do most acts that take place within the consensual non-monogamy umbrella. Remember, anything that takes place between two or more consenting adults is their business and not ours. Key word here: consenting. Cheating is all about secrecy and betrayal. Someone is engaging in non-consensual behavior, breaking the rules of their relationship, and causing harm. Cuckolding, on the other hand, is fully consensual. Everyone involved is on the same page, and it’s often built on strong communication and trust.

What’s interesting is that cuckolding seems to be way more popular in the U.S. than in Europe. Why? Well, fantasies tend to push against social norms. In cultures where monogamy and marriage are seen as the default, like the United States, the idea of cuckolding becomes even more enticing because it challenges those expectations. But here’s the problem: shame. People feel guilty about their fantasies, so they don’t talk about them. And when you can’t talk about what turns you on, you end up stuck, unsatisfied in your sex life but too afraid to ask for what you really want. That shame keeps people trapped in a cycle of frustration, which can potentially lead to something we don’t want to happen, infidelity.

As humans, we are constantly striving for happiness and sustainability. We manufacture lives that allow us to optimize positive experiences and limit negative ones. We do this in our personal, professional, and financial lives every day. Buying that cold brew at Starbucks may not be the most financially sound decision, but we do it because it brings us joy. That is important. But when it comes to sex, we are told to go against what we want and desire because it is not considered “normal.”

But as a good therapist will always ask, “What is normal?”

Normal is what you make it in your own world. Time and time again, research shows that those who live a more sex-positive, affirming lifestyle have higher levels of happiness. When it comes to cuckolding, similar research shows people who actually explore their cuckolding fantasies report being happier and more satisfied in their relationships. When we get in touch with what we really desire and share that with a partner, especially in a way that feels safe and consensual, it can actually bring people closer together.

So why do people find cuckolding so pleasurable? Well, it can be for a number of reasons. One of the biggest elements of cuckolding for many people is humiliation, or, more specifically, erotic humiliation. Now, humiliation in daily life? Not fun. But in a controlled, consensual setting? It can be intensely arousing. That’s because our brains don’t always separate pleasure and pain the way we think they do. Just like some people get off on being spanked, degraded, or restrained, others find excitement in the idea of being “lesser” in a sexual dynamic. It can be a rush where someone voluntarily steps into a vulnerable role and gets off on it.

There’s also the simple truth that taboo is hot. The things we’re told we shouldn’t do are often the things we fantasize about the most. When something is forbidden, it becomes charged, meaning it has weight, meaning, danger, and excitement. Cuckolding, especially in cultures that strongly emphasize monogamy, taps into that exact kind of forbidden energy. For people who engage in cuckolding, the intimacy that follows can be just as intense as the act itself. Some couples use it to heighten their own sex life, using the experience to fuel their passion for each other. The emotional intensity, the psychological play, the thrill of breaking a societal norm, it all combines to create something deeply powerful and personal.

Cuckolding, like all kinks, is deeply personal. Most, if not all, humans have some level of sexual fantasy. Whether it’s fantasizing about Henry Cavill or thinking about your neighbor, sexual fantasies aren’t something to be ashamed of. When handled with vulnerability and trust, they can be a doorway to deeper intimacy and pleasure.

And isn’t that what great sex is all about?

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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