Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: How Can I Ask for a Threesome?

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Hey Matt. How can I approach my partner about my desire to have a threesome in a way that feels like I am not judging him or don’t love our sex life? We’re pretty open about talking about sex in general, but I’m nervous about bringing this up because I’m afraid he’ll say no, and worse, break up with me. What do I do?
– Janice

Hey Janice, I hope you had a good weekend and are starting off your week well. A question about threesomes to start my week, what did I do to become so lucky? Threesomes, or group sex, are one of the most common fantasies, as well as a way people explore opening up their relationships. In fact, I read in a recent poll that 49% of Americans have said they have had a threesome in their lifetime. That is pretty wild when you think about it. For a country that comes from a puritanical origin, we are truly doing our best to create a more open and accepting environment for this kind of exploration. But that does not mean it is easy. Talking about sex and asking to engage in a fantasy is risky, and we have to take a nuanced approach if we want to have success.

I feel like I could name countless episodes of television and scenes in movies where someone asks for a threesome, and it is like the MOST SCANDALOUS THING in the world. As all of you know because you read my bio every week, Happy Endings is one of my all-time favorite shows. There is a scene in season 2 where Dave, the token straight guy, blows his chance at a threesome because he does not respect “the breakup window.” Basically, this “window” is a set period where an individual does not break up with someone close to a holiday because they do not want to come off as too cruel. Time and time again, threesomes are presented as the man wanting to have one with two women, and he either messes it up, like Dave did, or it is the best thing that has ever happened. Rarely in entertainment do you see the female-identifying individual ask for a threesome, and that is why I am so happy you asked this question, because unlike the puritans of old would have you believe, women are just as spicy as men.

One of the most baffling ideas in our society is the notion that women are not inherently sexual beings, as if they exist in a state of purity, only thinking about sex when their partners desire it. This misconception creates a double-edged sword: women who embrace their sexual freedom often face judgment, not just from men but also from other women. Even when a woman feels empowered in her sexuality, that empowerment can be perceived as a threat to others, reinforcing the very stigma she is trying to break free from. In research, we see the complexity of human sexuality across all genders. One study in the Archives of Sexual Behavior examined sexual fantasies and found that both male-identifying individuals and female-identifying individuals reported a wide range of fantasies, with significant overlap between the genders. This suggests that women can have sexual desires and fantasies that are as varied and intense as those of men. When it comes to threesomes specifically, this is one survey that states women are more likely to propose a threesome than men. So, Janice, while I can point you to all the research that helps you feel more comfortable with your fantasies, let’s start tackling some of the nerves that are showing up for you.

While some people may tell you to “rip the band-aid off and just ask him,” I am not one of those people. I do not know your partner, but the chances of him feeling judged or upset all depend on the relationship you two have created. You wrote that you two already feel comfortable talking about sex, so some of the hardest work is already done. In these conversations, have you two talked about fantasies? If so, have you mentioned this fantasy to him? If not, a great place to start would be engaging in a “yes/no/maybe” list. “Yes/No/Maybe” lists provide an easy and effective way to learn about your sexual interests (e.g., kinks, fantasies, positions, etc.) and communicate them to partners. This could be a great way to gauge if your partner is open to the idea or not, without you revealing your desire. Check out one such list here.

One area you want to be clear on is your reasoning behind wanting to explore group sex. Are you bored with the sex you are having? Do you want to spice things up? Are you looking to open up the relationship more permanently? Do you want to bring in another penis-owner or vulva-owner? Is this to explore your own sexuality or expand upon what has already been created in the relationship? Reflecting and finding the answers to these questions cannot only help you get clarity but also provide answers to the questions he may be having. Because sexual intimacy is so vulnerable, when we bring anything that is considered non-traditional to a monogamous structure, it can be a perceived threat. You cannot control how he will respond, but you can show him how much you love and appreciate him in your life.

As I wrap up, I think it is important to show you some validation. Do not let anyone ever tell you that wanting to explore your sexuality is a bad thing. As humans, we are complex, driven by countless desires in every aspect of life, especially when it comes to sex. Just like my desire to travel to other countries, grow my knowledge in my field, and continue to explore new hobbies (I am still playing chess, by the way. If you know, you know), most, if not all, of us can feel a desire to explore the wild, wonderful world of our sexual identities. You will never be able to guarantee a perfect outcome, but if you can do some work ahead of time and feel safe to bring this question up to your partner, I say it is a calculated risk worth taking.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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