Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: How Do I Avoid Practicing Toxic Monogamy?

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Buckle up, folx. This may hit a nerve for some of you reading this. I wanted to write an article about a form of monogamy that I see more and more in society today: toxic monogamy. I find that the moment you even put “monogamy” and “toxic” in the same sentence, people can get really defensive. So, let’s all take a deep breath and as you read, if some of you recognize that you may be practicing this kind of monogamy, maybe this is an opportunity for you to think about how you structure your relationships. I am, and always will be, pro-monogamy, just as I am pro-polyamory, pro-open relationships, pro-relationship anarchy, and pro-any-relationship-style-that-works-for-consenting-adults. My work as a sex and relationship therapist isn’t about pushing one structure over another. It’s about helping people create relationships that are healthy, sustainable, and authentic to them. So, if you’re happily monogamous, you’re not my enemy here. What I want to talk about is how we can all keep monogamy from slipping into something rigid, restrictive, and ultimately harmful to the people who practice it.

Most people grow up surrounded by the idea that monogamy is the only path to a healthy relationship. Movies, TV, books, religion, and family traditions all push the same narrative: couple up with one person, stay together, and you’ve won the relationship game. This mindset creates what we call “couples privilege,” the idea that committed romantic and sexual relationships are more valuable and more legitimate than friendships, community ties, or singlehood. Being single is treated as either a flaw or a temporary holding pattern until you find “the one.” The result is that many people never actually choose monogamy, rather, they inherit it, without exploring other equally valid ways to structure relationships.

This is where monogamy can turn toxic. It is not because monogamy itself is bad, but because when it’s treated as the only option, it becomes less about connection and more about conformity. Toxic monogamy encourages competition and comparison over compassion. It turns relationships into status markers instead of living, breathing partnerships. It makes people believe there is one narrow definition of success (i.e. married, sexually exclusive, for life, and that anything outside that box is a failure). It can even encourage control, jealousy, and ownership over a partner, all under the guise of “protecting the relationship.” A great book to read if you ever want to challenge traditional dating norms is Rebel Love by Dr. Chris Donaghue. He tackles the concept of toxic monogamy, among other outdated relationship norms.

So how do you avoid falling into that trap? The first step is reflection. Ask yourself: Have I actually chosen monogamy, or have I just assumed it’s my only option? Unless you grew up in an unusually sex-positive, open-minded environment, chances are you were never presented with the full menu of relationship structures. Maybe you’ve never thought about polyamory, open relationships, or relationship anarchy as valid options. You don’t have to choose them, but knowing they exist can help you decide if monogamy is truly right for you, or if it’s simply the default you were handed. If your honest answer to “Why am I monogamous?” is “Well, it’s all I know,” then it’s worth doing more exploring.

If you do choose monogamy, the next step is to date with a focus on compatibility, not just attraction. Physical and sexual chemistry are important, but they’re not enough to sustain a long-term relationship. True compatibility is about shared values, communication styles, honesty, emotional resilience, humor, and how you both navigate conflict. For example, maybe you need daily check-ins to feel connected, while your partner thrives with more independence. Those differences aren’t inherently deal-breakers, but they need to be discussed early so you can build a rhythm that works for both of you. When my own partner and I were dating, we had to actively figure out what “flow” worked for us. What did each of us need and how could the other meet that without feeling drained or smothered. Remember: we date to be seen and understood, not just to be liked. If you focus on people liking you at the expense of your own needs, long-term sustainability becomes nearly impossible.

Another key to avoiding toxic monogamy is setting healthy boundaries. A boundary is something you set for yourself, not a rule you impose on your partner. It’s a commitment to how you will respond in a situation, not a restriction on someone else’s behavior. For example, saying “I’m not comfortable being in a relationship where my partner has close friendships with their exes” is a boundary because it’s about your limits. Saying “You’re not allowed to be friends with your ex” is a rule that takes away their autonomy. When boundaries are replaced with control, trust erodes, and the relationship becomes more about ownership than partnership. Remember, you are allowed to challenge a partner’s restrictions. If they forbid certain friendships or activities, ask why. A healthy monogamous relationship is built on trust and mutual respect, not control masked as commitment.

A piece of monogamy that often gets people into trouble is how they define it. You’d be surprised how many couples never do this. Does monogamy start after you’ve had “the talk”? Is it implied after a certain number of dates? Does flirting with other people count as cheating? How about watching porn? These definitions vary wildly from person to person. Without a clear conversation, you’re likely to have mismatched expectations, and mismatched expectations are a breeding ground for hurt feelings and conflict. Sex also matters and should be explored in the beginning of the relationship. Do you both enjoy the same kinds of intimacy? Are you open to trying things for your partner’s pleasure? Are there hard limits for either of you? If your desires don’t align, can you still build a fulfilling sex life together? These are conversations worth having early, before you’ve locked yourselves into exclusivity.

Monogamy, when done with intention and care, can be an incredibly rewarding way to love. It’s easy to start a monogamous relationship. A couple swipes here and there, a few dates, and BOOM, you are in a relationship. Sustaining a monogamous relationship requires ongoing communication, flexibility, and a willingness to challenge the cultural scripts we’ve been handed. The healthiest monogamous relationships make your world bigger, your opportunities richer, and your life more joyful. They give you the security to grow as individuals and as a couple, not the mandate to shrink yourselves to fit inside an outdated mold.

Time and time again a couple with come into my office and preach ownership over their partner instead of partnership. So, if you want to avoid toxic monogamy, choose it consciously. Build it with a partner who shares your values and respects your boundaries. Keep the conversation about what monogamy means alive and evolving. The two of you are going to be going through many changes and evolutions as you continue to grow together. I hope to see a world where toxic monogamy no longer exists, being single is a perfectly healthy relationship option, and we are all allowed to be curious about the ongoing structure of our relationships. As I wrap up, remember that your relationship exists to enhance your life, not to serve as proof to the world that you’ve “made it.” Monogamy is beautiful and for those of you who choose it, I hope it exists as the cherry on top of the sundae that is your life.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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