Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: I Am Gay and Hooking Up With My Straight Friend.

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

I’m a gay guy in my late 20s and I’ve been best friends with a straight guy since college. About six months ago, we started hooking up. I’ve been giving him head and jacking him off, nothing more. He’s married now, and while he says it’s ‘just sex,’ I’m starting to feel more for him. I know this isn’t a sustainable situation, but I’m struggling to let it go. It’s messing with my head, and I feel guilty, confused, and maybe used. This is all so confusing and I just don’t know what to so. I don’t know what my actual question here is but I needed to tell someone so I am telling you.

– Anonymous

Hey Anonymous. First off, thank you for writing in and posing a dilemma that is more common than people may think. While sexuality can be beautiful and empowering, it can also be complex and messy at times. It is okay to not have a fully formed question here. I can gather from your writing that this feels complicated for you, and I can almost guarantee other gay men are happy you pushed submit. My 20s were full of confusing interactions with straight guy friends where I had no idea if a hangout was just a hangout, or if it was about to turn into something more. A lot of this confusion is due in part to the erotophobia that exists around sex (which we will dive into a little later). But there is so much to unpack here, so I am just going to dive right on in. Buckle up, everyone, this may be a long one!

Let’s start with something that often gets overlooked: straight guy/gay guy friendships can be very important. They are often built on mutual respect, self-acceptance, and a kind of vulnerability that isn’t always present in same-sex friendships among straight men. But when that dynamic turns sexual, especially when one person is closeted, married, or emotionally unavailable, it can get pretty messy. You’ve been friends since college. That’s not nothing. That’s years of inside jokes, late-night talks, life transitions, and showing up for one another. That’s emotional real estate. So, when that turns into sex, especially in this specific and limited way, it’s completely understandable that it would start to feel complicated.

From what you’ve described, you’re the one giving in this situation. Giving oral sex, giving handjobs, and giving emotional space for him to experience something that he may not feel safe enough to explore elsewhere. You’re also giving your feelings. That’s not just about sex; that’s about connection. When he tells you it’s “just sex,” that likely lands with a thud. Because for you, it’s clearly becoming more than that. Let’s talk for a moment about what “just sex” even means. For some people, that phrase is a protective barrier, a way to compartmentalize. For others, it’s a signal that there won’t be any emotional follow-through, any consequences, or any deeper expectations. But for you, that phrase doesn’t seem to line up with your emotional experience. You’re feeling things. You’re attaching. That is not a weakness, that’s human. But it does mean you’re on very different pages, and it sounds like you’re the only one reading both chapters.

Now, let’s not dance around the other huge part of this: he’s married. That alone adds a whole layer of complexity that deserves real reflection. You mentioned guilt, and I want to say this gently, you’re allowed to feel conflicted. You’re allowed to question what it means to be involved with someone who’s in a committed relationship, even if that relationship is with a woman and even if he initiated things. It’s easy to fall into shame here, but guilt, which can be defined as external shame, doesn’t always mean you’re doing something wrong. It can just mean that you’re living out of alignment with your values. That may be a signal worth paying attention to.

You are not responsible for his marriage, either. You didn’t make vows. You didn’t promise exclusivity to his partner. But you are responsible for your own emotional well-being. You’re responsible for noticing when something stops feeling good, when a connection starts to feel like a betrayal of your own needs, or when deeper feelings become a secret you have to carry alone. If you’re feeling guilty, confused, and used, that’s your body sending you data. Not shame, but information. What you do with that information is up to you, but don’t ignore it. You deserve better than a one-way connection that makes you feel like you’re both the secret and the side note.

I am also noticing some deeper grief here, am I right? The grief of realizing that something you hoped might become more intimate, more mutual, is instead staying stuck in a pattern that centers his pleasure and his control. You’re feeling things for him, not just sexually but emotionally. Maybe you’re starting to imagine what it could look like if he actually chose you, if he saw you not just as someone he trusts physically, but someone he wants to build a life with. Ugh. That’s the part that really stings. Because he’s made it clear that is not on the table. If that is the case, anonymous, I am truly sorry you are going through this.

As a certified sex therapist, I would be remiss if I didn’t acknowledge how intoxicating taboo can be when it comes to sex. Sometimes we find ourselves pulled toward what’s forbidden not just because of who the person is, but because of what it symbolizes. Being chosen by a “straight” man can feel like a kind of validation, a seductive reversal of the rejection many queer folx have felt growing up. It’s powerful. It can feel like winning something that always felt out of reach. But when it comes at the cost of your mental health, your emotional clarity, or your self-worth, it’s not a win. It’s a wound waiting to happen.

You said you don’t know what to do, and that makes perfect sense. You’re sitting in that messy middle space where the feelings are real, the lines are blurred, and the future is uncertain. But here’s one thing I’ll gently challenge you to ask yourself: What would it look like if you prioritized your own needs? Not his pleasure. Not his comfort. Not his marriage. Yours. Would you still say yes to this dynamic, or would you begin the slow process of letting go? You deserve someone who doesn’t need you to live in the shadows of their life. You deserve to be with someone who can look at you in the light of day and say, I choose you, and that may not be him.

What is unfortunate is that it sounds like him and his wife are not in an open marriage, which means he is engaging in infidelity and setting himself up for failure. It sounds like you know his wife as well and while it is true that you are not responsible for someone else’s marriage, you may be jeopardizing the relationship you have with her. Ask yourself, “Am I okay with this?” The answer is different for everyone. A mistake would be assuming his sexual orientation. Could he be exploring something about his sexuality? Maybe. Could he just like the attention? This is an option as well. As wild as this may sound, just because one guy is sexual with another guy does not mean they are gay. Sexuality is fluid and we need to remember that. He may be using this as a release valve for needs he can’t articulate. But at the end of the day, this is your life, too, and you’re not a supporting role in someone else’s secret narrative.

So, what do you do next? Well, let’s start with getting honest with yourself. You have a lot of options. You can start by naming your feelings out loud to a friend, or maybe to a therapist. If that feels like too much, grab a journal and let’s do what I call a “Cost/Benefit Analysis.” It sounds like a “pro/con” list, but I personally like this wording better. You answer two questions: “How is this relationship benefiting me?” and “What is this relationship costing me?” This is a great exercise for you to sit and do an honest exploration of what you are experiencing and how it is impacting you.

When it is all said and done, you have a choice to make here. I want it to be one where you feel seen, heard, and understood. No matter how complicated this has become, you’re not foolish for catching feelings. You’re just human, and I’m so glad you wrote in to remind yourself of that.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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