Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: I Am in My 70s and Never Had An Orgasm

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

I’ve been married almost 50 years. I’m in my 70s. I’ve never had an orgasm. Is there hope for me if I came to you as a client. How?

– Anonymous

Hey Anonymous. First, thanks for submitting this question. I have worked with a ton of clients your age who have had similar difficulties. Because I do not know your gender, I am going to assume you are a cis-female, only because these are usually the people who pose this question to me. Now, let’s talk about the elusive orgasm. Whether shaped by shame, performance pressure, stress, trauma, simple distractions, or just not knowing what your body actually likes, that “final release” can sometimes feel more like a mystery than a guarantee. An orgasm is a possibility, not a promise, and I tell my clients that I don’t want it to be the sole measure of sexual success. In this space, we talk about building pleasure from the ground up, exploring your body without pressure, and redefining what sexual satisfaction looks like for you.

The one word that jumps out to me in your question is hope. Is there hope for me? While I want to scream from the rooftops, “YES! YES, THERE IS HOPE FOR YOU TO HAVE AN ORGASM!”, I also can’t promise that. What I can do is help you redefine what hope means for you. Hope that may feel more gradual and realistic. We want to think about what it would look like to move toward pleasure in a way that feels more attainable. That’s my hope for you and one that I plan to explore by answering your question.

Let’s chat a little bit about why, historically, it is harder for vulva owners to achieve an orgasm compared to penis owners. One thing to note here: People have written many, many books on this topic (i.e. She Comes First, Becoming Cliterate, and Sex for One to name a few). It is well documented the misogyny and purity culture that plays a role in this phenomenon. While I won’t have enough time to dive into every detail, it is important to note the negative impacts some religions, culture, and society at large have had on a female’s pleasure around sex. Wild fact: Did you know that the clitoris, an organ designed for pleasure, was left out of anatomy textbooks until the 1970s. So yeah, it makes a ton of sex why a lot of vulva-owners struggle with reaching this peak.

I have written about this before, but let’s talk about “the orgasm gap.” Research shows that in heterosexual encounters, women are significantly less likely to orgasm than their male partners. In fact, studies consistently find that about 95% of men say they usually or always orgasm during sex, while only about 65% of women say the same. That number drops even lower when the sex is new or casual. This isn’t because vulva-owners are “broken” or “difficult.” It’s because sex has long been centered around penetration, with little attention given to the clitoris, which, is the primary organ responsible for orgasm in most women. Add in social shame, lack of education, and media that skips over female pleasure entirely, and it’s no wonder so many women feel disconnected from their own pleasure.

For you, Anonymous, I want you to feel hope for many reasons. The first is that you still have plenty of time to achieve this goal of yours, whether individually or with your partner. I am aware that you come from a generation that was not too kind to masturbation, but I would like to talk about how that may be a great gateway for you. Now I am not saying you need to go and watch porn (although you can if you want to), I am talking about just engaging in self-love. Mindful, intentional self-touch is a powerful way to reconnect with your body without the pressure of performing for anyone else. Bodyful touch, or the intentional exploration of ourselves, is a great way to create a secure attachment.

Here is what you can do. Start by prioritizing your body by tuning out the distractions, breathing into your body, and staying curious. What kind of touch feels good? Are there certain textures or rhythms that spark something? Using lube, vibrators, or just your hands, practice staying present. When you notice your mind wandering or frustration creeping in, gently bring your attention back to sensation. Masturbation isn’t just a backup plan, it’s a gateway to understanding your own pleasure on your terms. Think about it: if you can’t give yourself an orgasm, how do you expect someone else to. I have a free document on my website you can check out here if you are interested.

Next, let’s bring your partner in on the conversation. I know this could be vulnerable, but what do you have to lose. One of the most important steps in orgasming with someone else is communication. That might sound simple, but for many people, especially those socialized as women, it can feel vulnerable to ask for what you want, or even admit you’re not enjoying something. But my argument would be that it is not that you aren’t enjoying the experience, you just can’t get to the top, and this is the frustrating part. Once you feel comfortable and know what works for your body, then bring that information into your relationship. Talk to your partner about slowing things down, trying new things, or focusing more on clitoral stimulation (if that feels good for you). If your partner isn’t open to hearing that, that’s not a reflection of your worth, it just means we need to slow things down even more.

As I wrap up, thanks again for submitting this question. While I am the biggest champion for all vulva-owners (well really everyone) to have an orgasm, I want you to remember that an orgasm is only 5% of a sexual experience. So, what is the other 95%? It’s the build-up. The anticipation. The way your body responds to a slow touch on your lower back or the way your breath catches when someone whispers in your ear. It’s the smell of the person’s skin, the sounds you make together, the deep eye contact, the laughter that breaks the tension, the way you feel held or seen or wild or wanted. That’s where the magic is. That is pleasure, and it is something I want us all to remember the next time we engage in sex.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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