Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: I Am Obsessed With Sex and It's Impacting My Relationship

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Question: I feel obsessed with sex. The more I have it, the more I want it. This is making my partner feel “used” rather than loved. Every time I initiate, he sees it as “I want something from him” rather than it being a shared experience. I can’t lie, I do “want it.” But what’s the line here between using and sharing? How do I initiate in way where it feels shared? How do I not care about sex (because it’s not all about sex) and just go live my life?

Obsessed and Stressed

Hey there, Obsessed and Stressed. Thanks for writing in and posing some questions that I know cross a lot of people’s minds. The idea of being “obsessed” with sex and feeling like it controls your life is not entirely abnormal. Many people think about sex throughout the day. In fact, if this wasn’t impacting your relationship or your well-being, I would tell you not to worry about it. Unfortunately, it sounds like this is having some negative consequences not only in your relationship but also internally. The good news is that this “obsession” can be understood, and you can start exerting some control over it. That’s where sex education comes into play (not the television show—though honestly, what a phenomenal show, am I right?).

Let’s start with defining an important term: Erotophobia. Simply put, this is a fear of sex. Now, you might be thinking, “Matt, I’m not afraid of sex. I just think about it way too much!” But I would argue that this could be a direct result of erotophobia. You see, the United States is a very erotophobic place. We are bombarded with rules and restrictions around sex, influenced by religion, culture, family, friends, and the media. Sex is constantly promoted in music, on billboards, and in TV shows (don’t even get me started on Love is Blind—I’ll save that rant for another post). Yet, when we engage with it, we risk being labeled as “sluts” or told we’re not serious about love and relationships. We’re expected to wait until marriage, but if we wait too long, we’re considered inexperienced or undesirable. Combine all of this with a severe lack of comprehensive sex education, and the U.S. becomes the perfect breeding ground for erotophobia.

So, Obsessed and Stressed, when you tell me that you’re obsessed with sex and that it’s hurting your relationship, it highlights a likely gap in receiving sex-positive messages—not just in childhood, but even now. This is where I can help. As a certified sex therapist, I often work with clients who feel similarly to you. Obsession is something most of us have experienced at one point or another. For instance, I’m currently obsessed with chess. Why? No idea—the algorithm put it in my feed, and now I’m hooked. In the past, I’ve been obsessed with working out, video games, and making ice cream (that last one only lasted a week). The difference is that I don’t feel much shame about these obsessions, largely because they’re considered socially acceptable.

Being obsessed with sex, however, can carry a lot of shame—and it sounds like it does for you. Part of this journey is understanding what purpose this obsession is serving. Arousal and sex provide a significant amount of dopamine, the neurotransmitter associated with reward, motivation, and pleasure. Are you feeling sad, bored, or lonely? Is sex constantly on your mind because that is one of the main dopamine pathways you have created? Once you understand how sex is serving you, you can start to create a healthier relationship with it by redefining what it means to you. It’s great that you enjoy sex, but perhaps we can explore other ways to get dopamine—through physical activity, journaling, talking to friends, listening to music, or any other activity that brings you joy.

Let me share an analogy I often use with my clients who struggle with similar feelings of being unable to focus on things outside of sex. I call it the “Dopamine Highway.” Imagine right now, you have just one lane that’s giving you those hits of dopamine—let’s say it’s sex. That single lane can feel overused and crowded, which creates pressure and dependency. What we want to do is build more lanes on your highway—introducing new, healthy sources of pleasure and satisfaction. Over time, your dopamine highway can expand to eight lanes, giving you multiple ways to experience joy and fulfillment without relying solely on sex.

When it comes to your partner feeling used due to your constant desire for sex, I can understand how that might feel hurtful. Sex is inherently vulnerable. Whether we engage in it alone or with others, it can feel exposing. It seems like, in your relationship, sex has shifted into something it shouldn’t be. At its core, sex is about pleasure. Over time, however, sex can become more about performance, obligation, or focusing on others instead of yourself. You and your partner may need to redefine what sex means in your relationship. Whether you have sex seven days a week or once a month, the key is ensuring that both of you are getting what you want out of it. The difference between feeling “used” and experiencing sex as a “shared” activity often comes down to intent and communication. Regular check-ins around sex could be really helpful here.

At the end of the day, communication is crucial for maintaining a healthy sexual relationship. Obsessed and Stressed, you are not alone in these thoughts. I work with clients all the time on understanding what sex means to them and on creating healthier, more sustainable relationships with it. It’s okay to care about sex—it’s a significant part of our lives. Ignoring it will only create more challenges. If you’d like guidance on having conversations about sex and intimacy, feel free to check out this handout. Just like I have to understand that I should probably castle and not get checkmated in three moves, you can learn to create control over these thoughts. You’ve got this!

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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