Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: I Fantasize About My Neighbor and I Think He Knows

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Hey Matt,

I am a 42-year-old woman and I am writing in because I can’t stop fantasizing about my neighbor. A little background, I am married with a couple of kids and my husband travels some for work. We have lived in our house for five years and have known our neighbors just as long. My husband and I have a decent sex life, but since having kids, it isn’t as exciting as it used to be. The strange thing about this is that my neighbor isn’t even my type. In fact, he is quite the opposite. Yet, I find myself fantasizing about what sex would be like with him. I don’t have any desire to cheat on my partner, but I find that these fantasies are taken over a lot of my thinking. Sometimes my eyes linger longer on him and a couple of times, I have seen him looking back at me. I feel like a bad wife and mother and unsure what to do.

– Anonymous

Oh, the world of fantasy. A place that can be so thrilling and equally as terrifying. It can spike our dopamine as well as make us question our identity. The good news, Anonymous, is that this world is one that doesn’t necessarily have to cross over into reality. If you are curious to learn more about the wonderful world of fantasy, I would check out Justin Lehmiller’s book, Tell Me What You Want, or his podcast, The Sex and Psychology Podcast, as he has built a career on studying fantasy. One of my favorite pieces of research that I talk about often with my clients is that fantasy does not necessarily have to be reality. Just because I am thinking I want to have group sex, get pegged, or have sex with my neighbor, does not mean I actually want that in real life. Why? Well, it follows the same logic of other non-sexual fantasies. What it gives you is insight into the expansive world of sexuality that exists within you, me, and everyone reading this. So, let’s break this fantasy down. My goal here is to help you drop the ‘bad wife’ guilt and see where these feelings are really coming from.

It makes sense that you would fantasize about a person who isn’t your “type.” Fantasies aren’t always about what we’d choose in real life. They’re often about novelty, surprise, and stepping outside of our usual boxes. I talk about this often in my responses, but your brain craves variety, and sometimes that means imagining scenarios or people who feel different from what you’d typically go for. It doesn’t mean you’re unhappy in your relationship or secretly want to run off with this kind of person. This isn’t some Hollywood movie starring Julia Roberts and Patrick Wilson. Although, I would watch any movie with those two in it. What it shows is that your erotic mind is playful and curious, which is exactly what fantasies are for.

I am sad to hear that you feel like a bad wife and mother, Anonymous. I don’t think you are and I am sure many people reading this feel the same way. Those labels, “bad wife,” and “bad mom,” are heavy, shame-fueled judgments that don’t hold up to reality. Sexual thoughts and fantasies are a healthy part of being human, and in fact, they can be a really healthy outlet. The fact that you’re reflecting on them and writing in shows that you care deeply about your partner and family. Fantasy doesn’t erase the love or commitment you feel. It simply adds another layer to your erotic world and one that you can actually access with your partner through open communication. I am not saying you need to tell him about the thoughts you have about your neighbor, but you can start the dialogue around fantasy and see where it takes you both. When was the last time you two did a sexual check-in? This could be a great opportunity to put one on your calendars.

Since you mentioned that your sex life has shifted after kids, I think it’s worth pausing there for a minute. Parenthood changes everything (e.g. energy, time, attraction, sex, etc.). If passion feels like it’s fizzled, try weaving in intentional play: flirty texts, spontaneous touch, or even scheduling sex dates. If it feels like attraction has dipped, welcome to long-term commitment. I wish our society talked more about how passion will ebb and flow in long-term relationships, but unfortunately, many of us are still blind-sided by this. If self-esteem is what’s been hit, I recommend the following: stand in front of the mirror, clothed to start and then eventually naked, for five minutes each day. Instead of scanning for flaws, name one thing that feels sexy or strong about your body. Over time, this can help you retrain your brain to see yourself through a more erotic lens, and that confidence can translate into the bedroom.

Now, about the neighbor. Let’s name him, John. I wouldn’t assume John knows what’s happening in your head. Humans are curious creatures. We look, we linger, and sometimes we even wonder. The amount of times I have found myself zoned out at Rising Star, only to snap back into my consciousness and find my gaze fixed on a random stranger, is probably higher than I would like to admit. But a glance doesn’t mean awareness, and it certainly doesn’t mean invitation. This part of your experience is internal, and you get to decide what you do with it. Right now, it’s a fantasy, and that’s perfectly okay. It sounds like you want to keep it a fantasy and because of that, remember that fantasy is our own private world and we don’t have to share it with others if we don’t want to.

Here’s are some final thoughts, Anonymous: to me, fantasy is a good sign. It tells me your sexual energy is alive and well. I worry more when people tell me their desire feels flatlined. The fact that your mind is spinning up erotic scenarios, even surprising ones, shows that your erotic engine is still humming. That’s not something to feel guilty about; that’s something to celebrate. Let this fantasy be fuel for curiosity and creativity, both in your private world and in your marriage. Desire doesn’t make you a “bad” anything. It makes you human. Your imagination is simply showing you that your desire still has a pulse, which is something to honor, not fear.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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