Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: I Have Never Had Sex, Help!

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Hi Matt,
Love that you are doing these articles!

I’m a 29-year-old straight woman, and I’ve never had sex or been in an intimate relationship with a man. Honestly, I feel a little nervous about it because I worry that, at my age, most men might expect me to have experience. I really want to take this step soon (no prospects yet), so I was hoping you could share some advice to help me feel more prepared and confident.

Also, I’m still figuring out some of the terminology, like “cisgender” and other similar terms. Would you mind explaining them to me so I can make sure I’m using them correctly?

Thanks so much for any advice you give! I really appreciate it!

– Margo

Hey Margo! I know it can be somewhat intimidating writing to a total stranger about your fears around sex, so I want to start by thanking you for being vulnerable and asking this question. Also, thank you for not using the term “virgin.” In fact, can we just drop this term from commonplace vernacular? The concept of virginity has morphed from meaning a powerful woman to describing a woman’s “purity” before marriage. This new meaning of the word tends to cause more shame than acceptance. So, we should either reclaim it, as we have done with other words, or let it float away, like George Clooney at the beginning of Gravity.

Before we jump into your main question, I appreciate your desire to learn more inclusive language. “Cisgender” refers to your gender identity matching the genitals assigned at birth. This is different from individuals who identify as transgender or gender non-binary. This is another reason why using pronouns is so important these days—it starts the process of creating a more welcoming space for people of all genders. I mention my pronouns (he/him) on my website, in my email signature, paperwork, and during meetings. By doing this, I allow others to be more flexible in their thinking and understand that just because my gender expression is masculine, it doesn’t necessarily mean I identify as a man.

Moving on to your question, Margo—the pressure around sex in this country is almost ever-present. I feel like I can’t turn on Netflix without seeing some movie or show that shames people who don’t have sex. Hell, Max lit the Black Flame Candle, and you know how that turned out… This shame is more complex than it may appear. It can feel different for individuals who want to “wait until marriage.” For them, there is a guiding moral principle they are abiding by that helps them navigate their shame. It is also more nuanced for those who have had some form of sexual experience before (e.g., oral, penetrative, mutual masturbation) but have gone years or decades without another encounter. The shame of being in your late 20s and never having had an intimate encounter can undoubtedly feel disheartening. My hope here is to provide you with some support so that you don’t feel so alone.

Around 70% of people report having had their first “sexual intercourse” before the age of 18. Honestly, this isn’t all that surprising. The cultural obsession with “losing your virginity” (vomit) pressures many of us to check it off our list as soon as possible. But here’s what’s worth paying attention to, Margo: research shows that many people regret their first sexual experience if it happens before the age of 16. The reasons for this are varied (e.g., lack of consent, inadequate sex education, societal or peer pressure, feeling unprepared, or simply fear of being left behind).

This is heartbreaking on so many levels, but the pressure to “not wait too long” really sticks out to me. As time passes, we start creating narratives to justify why we haven’t had sex yet: “I’m too young,” “I haven’t found the right person,” or “I’m waiting until marriage.” And let’s not forget the messaging women often receive around having sex for the first time: that it will hurt and that it won’t be great. How is that supposed to sound appealing? Then, as we move through different life stages, we might begin to question our own timeline, wondering if we waited too long and feeling like we’ve entered The 40-Year-Old Virgin territory. Meanwhile, media and pop culture, especially shows about college or early adulthood, don’t help as they often portray characters with highly active sex lives. (Think The Sex Lives of College Girls, which, by the way, I highly recommend.)

I’m highlighting all of this because the first action I want you to take is to give yourself a little bit of grace. No matter the reasons why you’ve decided to wait this long, I want you to start shedding some of the pressure and shame you are feeling. Did you know that research indicates positive first-time experiences can lead to greater levels of sexual satisfaction and lower sexual depression later in life? This is a huge win for those who want to wait until they feel ready. So even if waiting this long to engage in intimacy wasn’t on your vision board for life, you can begin shaping a more positive narrative around it. Stepping into our sexuality can be empowering for all of us, but especially for women. The messaging I received growing up as a man was, and continues to be, very different from the messaging women receive. While men are taught that it is relatively acceptable to “step into” their sexual selves, women are often discouraged. So what follows is a list of women whose work centers on female sexual empowerment. I encourage you to look them up: Sonya Renee Taylor, Emily Nagoski, Ester Perel, Tristan Taormino, Janet Hardy, Dossie Easton, Lexx Brown-James, Stacey Litam, and Laurie Mintz.

Listen, Margo, you are not alone. Sex and intimacy can be intimidating for everyone. After you’ve explored the sexual empowerment content above, I want you to write out all the reasons why you want to have sex and spend time reflecting on what it means to you. When it comes to guys, if they judge you for not having experience, is that really a man you want to have sex with? A sentiment I preach often is that sex is for you, not the other person. Don’t worry about being “good” or “bad” at it. Focus on making sure you feel comfortable with whoever you engage with, and communicate throughout the experience. Here’s hoping 2025 is your year. And if it’s not? That’s okay, because there’s always next year.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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