Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: I Need Help Talking to My Partner About Sex

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Hey Matt. I’ve been with my partner for a while, and I love them, but I really struggle to talk about sex. Every time I try to bring it up, I get nervous, stumble over my words, or just avoid it altogether. I don’t know why it feels so uncomfortable, but I worry that avoiding these conversations is hurting our relationship. How can I get past this discomfort and talk about sex more openly?

-Tongue-tied

Happy Monday, Tongue-Tied! Thanks for submitting this question. Having some discomfort around talking about sex is extremely common. So common, in fact, that I have built a profession around it. Talking about sex is like admitting you don’t love the show Friends. It’s awkward, you fear judgment, and rather than deal with the reactions, you just avoid the conversation altogether. Funny story—so… I don’t love that show; I just like it. I am much more of a Will & Grace kind of guy (obviously), and I know it’s not a competition, but yeah, I am not the biggest fan. That feels good to admit. Thanks for listening. But back to your question, Tongue-Tied, the reason it feels so uncomfortable? Well, most of us never actually learned how to talk about sex.

See, we don’t just magically wake up one day with perfect communication skills about sex and relationships. We learn how to be sexual and relational creatures from our environment, meaning the people closest to us (e.g., parents, caregivers, family, friends). These are our biggest influences. Adapted from Bronfenbrenner’s ecosystemic approach, AASECT certified sex therapist Stephanie Buehler created what she calls the Sexological Ecosystem to describe the different levels of influence on us as we learn to be sexual human beings. Caregivers and those closest to us exist in the microsystem, which has the biggest influence on us. Now, if those people were stumbling through sex and relationships without a roadmap, what do you think they passed down to you? Exactly. You get the blind leading the blind, but instead of just walking into walls, we’re all fumbling through awkward conversations and avoiding eye contact when the word “orgasm” comes up.

Combine that with sex negativity, a total lack of decent sex education, and a societal push for monogamy, and you’ve got the perfect recipe for never learning how to comfortably talk about sex or relationships. Then there’s the lovely little concept of couples privilege, the idea that society treats people in relationships like they’ve won some golden ticket while single folks are left on the sidelines. Why bring this up? First, because we all need to recognize that being single is a perfectly valid and healthy relationship style, just as much as being in a relationship. But more importantly, this concept can make us feel like talking about sex might threaten the relationship. If the conversation goes south, we could end up single, which, thanks to societal conditioning, can feel like a step back even though it isn’t. So, you see, Tongue-Tied, there are a lot of reasons why someone would feel uncomfortable.

I don’t know what your upbringing was like, but I’d bet good money that you weren’t exactly having open, shame-free discussions about pleasure and intimacy at the dinner table. But hey, if your mom was anything like Dr. Jean Milburn, I could be wrong. I sure wasn’t having them. I don’t remember a single “sex talk” from my parents. Sorry, Mom and Dad! If it happened, I have no memory of it. I think we had some kind of puberty talk in grade school, maybe seventh grade, where they split the boys and girls into separate rooms, but honestly, I could be making that up. St. Ann School, Class of 2003, let me know. By the time high school rolled around, I was completely on my own. When you add in the fact that I knew I was gay from the moment I heard the Spice Girls (kidding… but also, “Say You’ll Be There” is a bop), I had no idea what to do with any of my thoughts or feelings, let alone the million questions I had.

But here’s the important part: it’s not your fault. And it’s not your parents’ fault, or their parents’ fault. We’re all just products of generations that were taught to be ashamed of sex or, at the very least, to keep quiet about it. But that doesn’t mean we have to stay stuck. Talking about sex is a skill. Just like any other muscle, it gets stronger with use. The more you flex it, the easier it gets. So, start small. First, sit with yourself and reflect on what you want to talk to your partner (or partners) about when it comes to sex. Are you feeling dissatisfied? Looking to spice things up or create more routine? Grab a pen and paper (or your phone) and jot down your thoughts. Feel the discomfort rise, then take some deep breaths and let it pass.

Then, practice saying it out loud. Research suggests that verbalizing thoughts, literally saying things out loud, can help ease anxiety by allowing us to process and label our emotions. This reduces the activation of the brain’s “alarm system” (the amygdala) and promotes a sense of control over our thoughts. Once you feel more in control, you can bring the conversation into your relationship.

While you can choose how formal you want the conversation to be, there’s always the option of a fireside chat. A fireside chat in a relationship is a planned, intentional conversation where a couple (or polycule) sets aside time to discuss specific aspects of their relationship in a relaxed and open way. Unlike spontaneous or emotionally charged discussions, a fireside chat creates a safe space for all partners to share thoughts, feelings, and desires without pressure or defensiveness. When it comes to sex, a fireside chat can be a dedicated time to talk about desires, boundaries, fantasies, concerns, or what’s working (and what’s not) in the bedroom. The key is setting the tone and approaching the conversation with curiosity, not criticism. Whether it’s over coffee, wine, or even an actual fireplace (bonus points for ambiance), the goal is to foster connection without distractions or judgment. You got this, Tongue-Tied! And if you need some questions to help you on your journey, feel free to click here for a list. Relationships are meant to evolve over time, and your desire to talk about sex is a way for it to do just that.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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