Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: I’m a Straight Guy and Want to Try Anal. Help!

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

I’m a straight guy who’s curious about trying anal sex for the first time, but I’ll be honest, I’m nervous about the pain and, yeah, the whole poop situation. How do I get past the fear and actually enjoy the experience?

– Mark

Hey Mark! Thanks for posing this question, especially as a straight guy. Let’s start by naming something really important: you’re not alone. So many people, regardless of gender or sexual orientation, are curious about anal sex and also nervous about it. We live in a culture that’s been pretty terrible at giving us the tools and information we need to feel empowered around anal pleasure. There’s stigma, misinformation, and just straight-up silence around it. I remember, as a little gay boy, sneaking into my parents’ room when they were downstairs and watching the TV show Queer as Folk. If anyone remembers this show, wow, what a wild time. Anyway, I remember them depicting anal sex as something that was just as easy and simple as vaginal sex. The penis just slides right on in, and there you go, easy peasy! If only sex were as simple as how it was displayed in the early aughts. While depictions of anal sex may not have changed a lot over the past 25 years, here’s hoping this article provides some insight into why it can be one of the most pleasurable experiences a penis owner can have.

Let’s bust two of the biggest myths right out the gate: anal sex is not inherently painful, and it’s not “just for gay men.” Anyone with an anus (so… that’s everyone!) can experience pleasure from anal play. That includes you, your partner, and anyone else who wants to explore. Your sexual orientation doesn’t dictate your sexual activities. Plenty of straight men enjoy receiving anal stimulation. Plenty of gay men don’t. Pleasure isn’t a checklist based on identity, it’s about what makes you comfortable showing up in your body. In fact, studies back this up. Between 2006 and 2008, nearly half of men aged 15 to 44 reported having had anal sex with a woman. A 2015 study found that 43% of men had been anally penetrated by a woman, and 37% of women had engaged in anal sex. The data shows that anal play is increasingly common, and more people are feeling empowered to explore this part of their sexuality.

For the record, there’s nothing “less manly” about enjoying receptive anal sex. It’s your body. It’s your nervous system. The prostate (aka the “male G-spot”) is located just a few inches inside the rectum, and it’s a powerhouse of pleasure when stimulated. Many men say it leads to some of the most intense orgasms they’ve ever had. For others, it’s not about the orgasm at all, it’s about vulnerability, intimacy, or the thrill of exploring something new. But yes, I hear you. The fear of pain and the whole “poop” part are real. So, let’s talk about it.

Here’s the deal: the rectum is usually empty, especially if you’ve had a bowel movement earlier that day. A gentle rinse in the shower can provide some peace of mind, but you don’t have to go overboard. Douching is optional, not required. Overdoing it can actually irritate the area and make things less comfortable. Your body is designed to keep itself relatively clean. Also, let’s normalize something here: anal sex isn’t sterile. Sex in general isn’t sterile. There is always the possibility of some mess. That doesn’t mean it’s gross or shameful, it just means being prepared. Keep wipes or a towel handy, use a dark-colored towel or blanket if you’re worried, and communicate with your partner ahead of time. A little preparation makes all the difference.

You really want to pay attention to your body. If anal sex hurts, something’s off. That could be too little lube, going too fast, being too tense, or not enough warm-up. The anal sphincter is a muscle, it needs time, attention, and relaxation. There might be some discomfort, but sharp pains are your sign to abort the mission. Start with external touch. Then try gentle internal stimulation with a well-lubed finger. Small toys (with flared bases!) are your friend. Don’t go straight to penetration with a large toy right away. Think of this as a journey, not a race.

The three golden rules for anal sex? Cleanliness, relaxation, and lubrication.
Remember the speech in the movie Full Metal Jacket? Well, say it with me: “This is my lube. There are many like it, but this one’s mine. Lube is my best friend. I will use as much of it as I need.”

Just like with any kind of sex, being mentally and emotionally ready is just as important as being physically ready. Take a bath. Set the mood. Dim the lights. Breathe deeply. Try guided mindfulness or sensate focus exercises beforehand if anxiety is high. Even five minutes of intentional breathwork can help your body get into a more receptive state. Also, use condoms. Even if you’re monogamous, condoms help reduce the risk of bacterial infections, STIs, and can provide a literal and emotional layer of safety.

Mark, your curiosity about anal play is completely valid. As someone who has experienced the sensation, it can be extremely pleasurable. You’re allowed to explore. You’re allowed to like it. And you’re allowed to start and then, after a few minutes, say, “Hey, can we stop?” Don’t let fear or misinformation rob you of something that could be deeply pleasurable and intimate. For anyone still struggling with shame, internalized homophobia, or toxic ideas about masculinity, that’s where sex therapy can be incredibly helpful. A sex therapist can help you work through those fears and blocks and create a sex life that feels aligned with who you are, not what you’ve been taught you “should” like.

(And seriously, use lube. All of the lube.)

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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