Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Is the “Seven Year Itch” Real?

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

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Is the “seven-year itch” a real thing in many relationships?
-Anonymous

Now, this is a phrase I haven’t heard in some time. Not to say it isn’t real (more on that later), but I find that a lot of couples I work with haven’t brought this up in many years. I remember hearing this phrase a lot in the ’90s and 2000s. I am almost certain there is an episode of Sex and the City that tackles this very topic. I can picture Carrie sitting at her laptop, smoking a cigarette, and typing, “And just like that, the seven-year itch was scratched,” before closing her laptop and gazing out of her apartment window. This concept, while backed by research, is a little more complex than it may appear.

So, what is the seven-year itch? Well, it is more than just a movie starring Marilyn Monroe. Simply put, it is a popular belief that happiness in a marriage or long-term romantic relationship declines after around seven years. This could be due to a number of reasons, but because of this decline, satisfaction decreases, infidelity tends to increase, and divorce can be seen on the horizon. Although not coined by her, Helen Fisher, a biological anthropologist, provided insight into this phenomenon. However, she would argue in her research that it should be called the “four-year itch.” Fisher suggests that the “itch” may be linked to evolutionary pressures. For our ancestors, staying in a pair bond (i.e., a strong bond between two individuals) long enough to raise a child through their most vulnerable years (approximately four to seven years) increased reproductive success. After this critical period, the bond might dissolve, allowing for new mating opportunities and genetic diversity. While I see the relevance of Fisher’s research in helping us understand pieces of human development, relationships are far more complex than the biological “urges” we have as humans.

As I write this article, I am reminded of when I first began my career as a sex and relationship therapist and came across this term. I remember questioning: When do the seven years begin? Is it when a couple begins dating? Is it once they have sex for the first time? When they officially become a couple? Is Facebook involved? What about polyamorous individuals? Do they have multiple “itches” they need to scratch? I quickly realized that this concept of an “itch” was more of a way to define a scary reality for couples: relationships are not always sunshine and roses. They will get difficult, and itches will most likely arise once the honeymoon phase ends.

Let’s talk a little bit about the honeymoon phase, and no, it is not just applicable to those who are married. This phase refers to the initial stage of a romantic relationship characterized by intense feelings of excitement, infatuation, and a deep sense of connection. In polyamorous relationships, this is often called new relationship energy (NRE). This phase can feel all-consuming as humans are drawn to novelty. When this desire for connection is combined with societal messages that being single is less desirable or unhealthy, it can drive us to prioritize forming relationships above all else. That spark we feel when we go on a date with someone we not only find attractive but also interesting can be really motivating and can lead us to potentially ignore some issues we see early on in the relationship. It is not to say we aren’t our authentic selves, but we put a version of ourselves forward that we want the other person to see (i.e., we aren’t burping in front of our new partners on the first date. Unless you are, and if that’s the case, you go Glen Coco). I tell my clients all the time that once the honeymoon phase ends, and NRE is gone, the relationship truly begins.

I reference Sternberg’s Triangular Theory of Love when helping clients understand the complexities of long-term relationships. In short, romantic relationships are made up of three factors: passion, intimacy, and commitment. In the beginning of a relationship, passion is high, and commitment is low. I don’t know this new person yet, so why would I commit to you fully? Over time, intimacy and commitment build because we become more vulnerable with one another, and passion dwindles because the novelty has worn off. You are no longer a mystery to me, and while I am committed to you emotionally, I don’t know how to tell you that I may be unhappy sexually. This fear is caused by many reasons, but the one I find to be the main culprit is the lack of vulnerability we display due to sex-negative messaging. How do I tell my partner that I want to be tied up and spanked if I am the mother of their children? It can be scary to put yourself in a space where rejection could occur.

So, is the seven-year itch real in many relationships? I guess the answer is: it depends. What I can say is that the specific year does not matter. It could be the two-year itch or the 15-year itch. What matters is realizing that relationships are hard work and none of us were given a blueprint for how to make them successful. As humans, we are constantly evolving, and it would be naïve to think our relationships wouldn’t evolve as well. Instead of wondering if passion will fade in our relationships, we should focus on what to do when it fades. For most of us, if not all, it will fade at some point, and being prepared for that moment is key. If you find yourself feeling this “itch,” don’t panic. Slow down, reflect, and explore whether engaging in vulnerability might provide the balm your relationship needs.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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