Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: My Friend’s Obsessive Thoughts Over My Past MMF Threesome

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

I have a friend, we’ll call him Paul. Paul is obsessed with a past MMF sex experience I experienced. Do you think he’s jealous, intimated or just has a small penis?

– Friend of Paul

Hey there, Friend of Paul. What an interesting question you are posing. To be honest, I almost didn’t select this question due to my hesitation over rather it was a serious one or not. Most of the questions I get are sincere, but every now and then, I get ones that are a joke or the occasional troll with pop on into my inbox. Still, I figured, why not give this one a shot and see if I can help your friend. Your question is actually a pretty good one, up until the penis-shaming at the end (more on that later). To start, I am glad to hear you have had the chance to explore different aspects of your sexual self because a lot of humans struggle with that. Kudos to you for leaning into a fantasy that many people think about but never act on, often because fear gets in the way. People may have a fantasy of engaging in a MMF experience, which is defined as male/male/female threesome for those of you who do not know, but taking something from fantasy to reality is a whole other battle. So, before I dive into your question, Friend of Paul, let me just say: having curiosities, or even what some people call “obsessions,” about other people’s experiences is super common, and most of us wrestle with that to some degree.

Why don’t we begin with your first thought: Is Paul jealous? Well, he very much could be. Jealousy, which is defined as a feeling that something or someone may be taking what you perceive as yours, is hard to avoid in relationships. Not to be confused with envy, which is often described as a wanting of what others have, jealousy is more about the fear of losing something you feel belongs to you, like your partner. Jealousy tends to be a secondary emotion as well. What lives behind it tends to be one of three things: anger, sadness, or fear. Anger at the other person, sadness I may be losing you, and/or fear of what it could all mean. So, while it sounds like Paul may be experiencing more envy based on your question, I wouldn’t be surprised if there wasn’t some jealous feelings existing as well.

A phenomenal book for everyone who struggles with any form of jealousy is Kathy Labriola’s The Jealousy Workbook. While this book is geared towards individuals in open relationships, every single exercise can be modified to fit monogamous people as well. A simple reflective exercise that anyone can do would be grabbing a piece of paper and a pen, or your phone if that works better for you, and writing out why you are feeling jealous. Then, create three categories: anger, sadness, and fear. Break down your jealousy and see which of these emotions it aligns with most. From there, you can begin having more grounded conversations with your partners about what’s making you feel threatened and hopefully start feeling better.

Moving onto your next thought of whether this could be intimidation, I could see that possibility as well. Toxic monogamy often teaches us that we’re supposed to be in constant competition with others when it comes to sex and relationships. Combine that with toxic masculinity, and you’ve got a recipe for insecurity. Penis-owners, in particular, are socialized to see one another as rivals rather than allies, especially when it comes to intimacy. It’s the message of: “There’s only room for one of us,” or “If she desires someone else, I must be lacking.” That kind of thinking isn’t just harmful, it’s exhausting. I already compete with the voices in my head that tell me I am not enough. I don’t need to be worrying about others as well. This reinforces the false idea that our worth is measured by how well we outperform others, instead of how connected we can be. Now, when it comes to tennis or volleyball, I’ll gladly compete and hopefully/probably/most likely win. But when it comes to relationships, putting myself in competition is a recipe for failure.

Finally, let’s talk about what sounds like some penis-shaming language. Let me own the fact that maybe I am misinterpreting your statements about the size of Paul’s penis and you are genuinely curious about how its size impacts your friend’s obsessive thoughts. My gut, on the other hand, tells me this comes across more as a shaming statement. When you think about it, the obsession people have about penis size is quite wild. Penis-owners fuss over whether or not they are big enough, some vulva-owners couldn’t care less, and the media creates songs describing how confident a person should or shouldn’t be based on it. I could point you in the direction of countless research papers, books, and testimonials stating that penis size rarely contributes to sexual satisfaction for others, but what I really want to say is that we need to stop giving a shit about the size of someone’s penis. When we shame others, it speaks more about our lack of self-esteem then it does the person themselves. Remember that the next time you shame someone’s penis, their body, or their looks.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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