Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Our Son Caught Us Having Sex

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

We have camera for security throughout the house and basement…with a 10-year-old we slip away when we can and have quickies (basement) now we come to find out he has seen us in action on Alexa screen… We are devastated…how do we advise/approach our son ? I have no clue what to say.

Hey Anonymous! What an amazing question. You submitted this a few weeks ago so I hope by now you have had a conversation with your son but if not, no worries at all. I hope what I have to say here will help. First, I want to provide you a resource: https://sexpositivefamilies.com/. This is a phenomenal, sex education website geared towards helping parents talk to their children about a wide variety of topics (e.g. gender, sex, puberty, sexual orientation, etc.). I also bought their book, Sex Positive Talks to Have with Kids and use it often when I talk with parents in similar situations. You are not alone in this journey. I thank my higher power, Christina Aguilera, every day that I never witnessed my parents having sex. But if I had, I’d hope one of them would have sat me down and explained what I witnessed in a kind and loving way. Sex is a part of so many of our lives, and no matter when it first enters our awareness, there needs to be space for curiosity, especially for children. They should feel safe turning to their caregivers for support. Your son is lucky to have parents like you who want to approach this with care and intention, because so many of us didn’t have that kind of support growing up.

When it comes to a 10-year-old, they may already have some concept created for sex. The most important thing is to stay calm and grounded before having a conversation. Start by checking in and ask what they think they saw or heard. Kids don’t always interpret things the way adults do, so before diving into an explanation, it’s helpful to know what your child already understands. You might say something like, “It seemed like you saw something on the Alexa screen the other day. Do you want to talk about it?” That opens the door for dialogue without assuming anything.

If they do know or are confused, you can explain simply that what they saw was something private that adults do in relationships. You don’t need to go into details or offer a full anatomy lesson, although children using proper anatomy for genitals is very important as it sets them up to have less shame when they get older. Let them know it’s okay to be curious and ask questions and remind them that bodies and sexuality are nothing to be ashamed of. As the parent, your comfort with talking about sex and the body will set the tone for how your child feels about it too. It’s not about giving them every detail right now, it’s about offering honest, age-appropriate answers and keeping the door open for future conversations. You know your son and what he can and can’t handle, so trust that and follow his lead.
Now here’s the thing, we also need to consider puberty. Puberty is happening younger and younger these days, so 10 is not an uncommon age for it to already be starting. Elementary-aged kids are more ready than most people think to learn about how babies are made, the changes their bodies will soon go through, and what hormones are. In fact, this is actually the best time to teach it, because most kids at this age aren’t embarrassed yet. Sure, they might laugh and say it’s gross or silly, but you can laugh along with them while still reinforcing accurate, age-appropriate information.

It’s also important to help tweens (do we still use this word?) understand that as their bodies begin to change, they may start to feel attraction toward others. That doesn’t mean they’re going to, or should, act on those feelings right away. It’s more about planting the seed that attraction is a normal part of development, but just like the old playground game of tag, it only works if everyone is in on it. No one wants to play tag alone, and the same goes for relationships and crushes. Laying this groundwork now helps them navigate the next few years with more confidence, less shame, and an understanding that they can always come to you with questions.

A few books I recommend to all parents:

• Sex Is a Funny Word by Cory Silverberg. A comic book guide to relationships, bodies, and growing up. It’s inclusive, kid-friendly, and helps normalize conversations about sex and identity from an early age.
• Breaking the Hush Factor by Dr. Karen Rayne. A powerful guide to help parents talk openly and confidently with their kids about sex, relationships, consent, and more.
• S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-to-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College by Heather Corinna. A thorough, progressive, and non-judgmental guide for older teens and young adults navigating sexuality, relationships, and identity.
• Wait, What? A Comic Book Guide to Relationships, Bodies, and Growing Up by Heather Corinna and Isabella Rotman. Fun, honest, and relatable. This graphic novel helps tweens and early teens understand puberty, consent, crushes, and communication in an engaging and age-appropriate way.

Before I wrap up, I just want to say how refreshing it is to hear a couple prioritizing sex in their relationship. Seriously, that’s something to celebrate. My hope is that none of this deters you from continuing to enjoy those quickies together! Sex is often one of the first things to fade in a relationship, so keeping that spark alive, however it looks for you, is powerful and important. Now, back to your son. No matter how you have this conversation, if you lead with love, empathy, and openness, you’re not going to mess him up. Kids are exposed to sex in subtle and not-so-subtle ways all the time. What makes the difference is whether they feel safe, supported, and informed at home.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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