Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: Should Cheating Always Signal the End of a Relationship?

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist! Your host for this new regular feature is Matt Lachman, a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Want to ask him a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

I am sure you have heard the saying, “once a cheater, always a cheater.” I remember growing up and hearing this constantly. No matter what television show or movie I watched, if there was cheating involved, the sentiment was not only that you should end the relationship but that the cheater was morally flawed and doomed to cheat for the rest of his or her (but mostly “his,” according to research) life. While cheating is one of the most damaging experiences people can go through, does it really have to signal the end of a relationship, or is it an opportunity to look deeper at a very complicated construct?

As a relationship therapist, I work with many people in relationships who struggle with infidelity. I have been doing this kind of work for about seven years now, and it seems like with each year that passes, more and more people are engaging in “cheating” behavior. While the definition of cheating is defined by the people in the relationship, what I want to focus on here is the kind of cheating we see in most movies and entertainment: engaging in sexual acts outside of the relationship. Although statistics vary by gender, age, and marital status, infidelity has been trending upward for the past few decades. There are many reasons for this. One I hear frequently is “sexual compatibility.” This phrasing has always confused me. While we enter this world with sexual energy, most of our sexual behaviors, likes and dislikes, and what makes up compatibility are learned throughout time, experiences, and exploration. We literally have the ability to create compatibility through dialogue and openness. What I find to be the main culprit of why people cheat is less about compatibility and more about the fear of being vulnerable.

It is hard for us to be vulnerable as humans. How much do you love opening up and sharing some of your deepest insecurities and concerns with others? I know I don’t love it. When I open myself up to other people, I am putting myself on the line to be judged or ridiculed. It is hard for our brains to connect the dots that we could also be accepted and loved. When the relationship we have been in starts moving in the direction of staleness, routine, and less sexual connection, it can be difficult for us to take that “risk” and speak up to our loved ones. Cheating and vulnerability are linked because the constructs and beliefs that can lead us to cheat (e.g., shame, sex negativity, and toxic relationship norms) block us from being vulnerable.

Imagine the following scenario: You and your partner have been in a monogamous relationship for six years. You love this person but, over time, have noticed that they do not like having sex as much as you do. In the couple of attempts you have made to bring up wanting to “spice things up a bit,” your partner has not been receptive. Because of this, you personalize their lack of receptivity and start to believe that they are losing interest not only in sex but also in you! That can feel dysregulating. You may be reading this and thinking, “Matt, come on! They would have a conversation about this or reach out to a therapist for support. There is no way a person would cheat because of this!” To which I would respond, “I agree! Get out of my head, please!” Also, when you combine a fear of being vulnerable with faulty narratives, like believing that your partner may not be attracted to you, that can cause us to take actions we may regret.

Continuing with this scenario, let’s say cheating occurred and the other partner found out. Should the relationship be thrown away? What if I told you that this couple had a newborn—would that change your mind? How about if I told you that the partner who was cheated on was emotionally abusive? There are so many factors involved in what leads a person to engage in infidelity. Because of this, we need to look at the bigger picture instead of just the act itself. Now, if this is where I lose you, let me just say that being cheated on is an awful feeling. I have experienced it myself and, at the time, ended my relationship because of it. It felt so emotionally devastating, and it took me close to a year to move past it and regain confidence and normalcy. So, dear reader, I am not saying that you have to stay with someone because they cheated on you. What I am saying is that cheating is complex for everyone involved, and it should be an opportunity to get curious and start a conversation to learn more before closing off the partnership.

Relationships are hard. Period. Luckily, infidelity does seem to be decreasing with one generation. According to new research, married individuals aged 18-31 report cheating less compared to those aged 32 and older. This could be for a number of reasons. My innate optimism makes me want to attribute it to humans feeling less pressure to get married young, sex positivity and fluidity being on the rise, and the increase in polyamory. On the other hand, maybe they haven’t hit the “hard parts” of their relationships yet, like passion fading, being married longer, and growing more into their identities. What I do know is that to prevent infidelity from continuing to rise, we need to create more open spaces for vulnerability and connection. We need to be honest with ourselves about what we want in a long-term partner before committing to them. We need to share with each other our wants and desires so that our partners know what they are agreeing to. If we don’t, I fear some of us will continue down the path of short-term pleasure instead of choosing long-term growth.

I titled this article, Should Cheating ALWAYS Signal the End of a Relationship? because I wanted to challenge the outdated beliefs that because a person cheats, the entire relationship needs to be thrown away. Call me an idealistic millennial if you want to, but as a society, we need to be more open with our partners in talking about sex. I know it is hard. Remember, I live in this world too. If we do talk more and are more open to having some tough conversations, then chances are better than not that we will create a deeper, more passionate bond with the person—or people—we have chosen.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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