Buttfaced Mike Brown Will Be New Cavs Coach

The gentleman making that butt face to your right will almost certainly be the new coach of Cleveland Cavaliers once again. Mike Brown, ladies and gentleman.

Sources reported that Brown had dinner with Dan Gilbert on Sunday evening, and the Akron Beacon-Journal reported today that the Cavs and Brown had reached a “handshake agreement,” expected to be announced officially tomorrow.

Color me ecstatic! (And simultaneously, color me sarcastic.)

Brown was a joy to watch on the sideline during his first stint with the Cavs for one reason and one reason only: his face. It was funny how much it resembled a butt, wasn’t it? I mean, that puckered “o”-shaped mouth he was always making? Look at it!

That’s a portrait of confusion and disgust right there. But now, this buttfaced man will bring what is alleged to be a hardtack defensive mentality to a squad with young, offensive firepower but zero defensive presence. The lack of defensive improvement, in fact, was cited as a key reason for Scott’s dismissal.

Greg Oden, if signed, and Anderson Varejao, if healthy, should help in that regard, and in general I’m in favor of a renewed commitment on the defensive end. But there’s something irksome about enlisting Brown’s services for a second time.

Most of it obviously has to do with the fact that Brown’s presence feels intimately linked to LeBron James. Though we ought not get into the prospects of James’ return, hiring Brown feels retrograde.

But there’s also, at a more basic level, the due process element. When the Browns’ searched for a coach a few months back — doesn’t it seem like ages ago? — it felt drawn out and inconclusive. But the Cavs’ didn’t even appear to weigh their options or evaluate their needs. They didn’t meet with a single other candidate!

Plus, Brown himself had (at least claimed to have) no real ambition to return to coaching immediately.

In fairness, he wasn’t given much of a chance with the Lakers last year. He was hired and fired almost instantly when the star-studded club started slow.

It’s not that I have a personal beef with Mike Brown. It’s that I have a powerful emotional association with the era he represents, and a grave discomfort with what rehiring him says about Gilbert’s (and even Cleveland’s) continued attachment to that era.

This article appears in Apr 17-23, 2013.