All awards and recognitions are not created equally. There’s a sliding scale, from the end where you scream out loud, thump your chest, and call your parents, to the end where you force a smile, nod quickly, and immediately toss the award in the garbage.
City rankings are no different. Cleveland has been left off plenty of lists — best weather, best economy, best job market, best place for hot singles, best place for skinny singles. San Diego and L.A. and Miami are perpetual high-rankers in those categories, and you know what, fellas, you can keep ’em. Because those are basically “Employee of the Week” awards from a company with 52 employees and a rule that every employee must win the award once a year. The Daytime Emmys of specious internet rankings, if you will.
And Cleveland doesn’t care. Why? Because Cleveland just basically took home the EGOT.
That’s right: the American Mustache Institute just named Cleveland the 7th most mustache-friendly city in America after a comprehensive two-year study of 100 cities. Bam. The fact that Carl Monday is still employed in this town probably told them all they needed to know about our love for the flavor saver.
(Incidentally, we imagine the study involved sending Tom Selleck to speak to 100 random citizens in every city. For every woman that slept with him, a city got 10 points. For every man that asked to pet the Selleck mustache, another 10 points. For every person that offered to eat those donut crumbs from the mustache, 50 points.)
Anyway, congrats on the award, Cleveland. Brush, stroke, and pamper that ‘stache. It can only go downhill from here.
This article appears in Sep 21-27, 2011.
Yay! Frank Zappa, Carlos Santana, and of course the late,
great Freddie Mercury- just a few examples that moustaches
do indeed rock!