When Joe Browns Fan yells things his mother didn’t teach him at visiting Steelers fans, or starts a fight after having one too many pops in the Muni Lot before the game, he might be arrested or escorted from the stadium, free to sober up and try again next week.
At least that’s how the treasured pastime of game-day degeneracy has gone in Cleveland for years. Starting next season, however, Joe might have to take an online “fan conduct” class before he’s allowed back in, according to The New York Post. It’s sort of like the weekend drunk tank at the hotel, but without the free HBO.
The $75, one-time test offered at fanconductclass.com is the brainchild of Dr. Ari Novick, a psychotherapist who specializes in the type of fan-friendly goofiness that makes NFL execs tinkle in their tailored suits. The Giants and Jets, who share a stadium, and the New England Patriots were the first to buy into Novick’s racket. Now the league has decided the program is “best practice” for all teams.
The test, which most Dawg Pounders’ toddler children could pass, features true-or-false questions that quite nearly provide their own answers. For example: “Every fan has a right to like any team they wish. Using abusive language towards fans who support teams you don’t like will not be tolerated.”
If you answered “true,” you have properly gamed the system.
“Every fan has the right to pour beer on and mock the mother of a person wearing a Steelers jersey if said Steelers fan refuses to remove the jersey and/or is breathing.”
Though the correct answer here is less clear, take heart that a 70 percent score gets you back in the bleachers on Sunday!
The Browns have yet to make a decision on whether to use the test, according to team spokesman Neal Gulkis. But a verdict one way or the other is expected soon. Gulkis was unable to provide specific numbers on how many fans were escorted from the stadium last year, but “I can tell you that the numbers have declined over the last several years,” he says.
Empty seats, after all, cannot scream four-letter words.
This article appears in Apr 11-17, 2012.
Wow. This is really dumb. I’m only speaking out of jealousy though, because I wish I thought to scam the idiots in the NFL with this first. Let’s see what kind of test I can whip out in 2 minutes…..go!
True or False:
1. I can punch any opposing fan in the face any time I want.
2. Pushing someone down the stairs is acceptable behavior when I am angry with them.
3. Anyone wearing Steelers colors should have nacho cheese spilled on them.
4.The more things I break and destroy, the better!
5. My blood alcohol content should be as high as possible, because it’s a competition with prizes and everything!
Now pay me $75. Cha-ching!
The best part is, I don’t even care what you say for your answers. I’ll just look at the results, say, “uh huh” and then collect your $75 as you go your merry way. Or we can do this all online and I can avoid that whole annoying human contact part.
@Adam…
FUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL
What a dumb idea. Anything to suck another dollar out of NFL fans. Browns better not do this crap, they’ve been smart so far, lets hope they keep it up.