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Lakewood police dispatchers have to deal with a lot of nonsensical calls — like from this guy who thought a street sign was a drug dealer — and this one is right up there with the best of them.

We just got some 911 audio of a call the LPD received this weekend from a man who wanted some help with a five-day erection. The dispatcher doesn’t seem too enthused, and possibly believes it may have been the same prank caller from earlier in the day.

Take a listen:

Here’s the transcript.

Dispatcher: “911.”
Caller: “Yeah, hello.”
Dispatcher: “911“
Caller: “Hi, how ya doing, I have an emergency.”
Dispatcher: “What is your emergency?”
Caller: “I’ve been hard for five days, I don’t know what to do.”
Dispatcher: “Ok sir, that’s not a reason for you to be calling 911, ok?”
Caller: “I called my girlfriend, but she can’t help me.”
Dispatcher: “Ok, well neither can we.”
Caller: “Someone told me you can help me.”
Dispatcher: “Goodbye.”

The condition the man reported having is called Priapism, and he’s waited 116 hours too long to seek medical attention, according to those boner-pill ads and their four-hour warning. According to America’s most trusted medical resource, Web MD, here’s how it’s treated:

The goal of all priapism treatment is to make the erection go away and preserve future erectile function. Treatment options include:

–Ice packs: Ice applied to the penis and perineum may reduce swelling.
–Surgical ligation: Used in cases where an artery has been ruptured, the doctor will ligate (tie off) the artery that is causing the priapism in order to restore normal blood flow.
–Intracavernous injection: Used for low-flow priapism, during this treatment drugs known as alpha-agonists are injected into the penis. This causes the veins to narrow, reducing blood flow to the penis and easing swelling to the area. Oral alpha-agonists have also been used for the acute treatment of priapism.
–Surgical shunt: Also used for low-flow priapism, a shunt is a passageway that is surgically inserted into the penis to divert the blood flow and allow circulation to return to normal.
–Aspiration: After numbing the penis, doctors will insert a needle and drain blood from the penis to reduce pressure and swelling.

If you suspect that you are experiencing priapism, you should not attempt to treat it yourself. Instead, seek emergency care as soon as possible.

All of those treatments sound miserable. Good luck, Lakewood 911 caller!

This article appears in Oct 8-14, 2014.

Doug Brown is a staff writer at Scene with a passion for public records laws and investigative reporting. A native of Ann Arbor, Mich., he has an M.A. in journalism from the Kent State University School of Journalism and Mass Communication and a B.A. in political science from Hiram College. Prior to joining Scene, Doug was a contributing writer for Deadspin.com, reporting behind-the-scenes stories about college sports through public records and developing sources. Doug's work as an enterprise reporter for the Daily Kent Stater was recognized by the Cleveland Press Club (2013 Ohio Excellence in Journalism Awards), Society of Professional Journalists (regional and national Mark of Excellence Awards), and the Associated Collegiate Press. He spent the summer of 2012 working for the Metro desk of the Cleveland Plain Dealer and spent previous summers working for Outside Bozeman Magazine and Crain's Detroit Business. His website is dougbrown8.com.

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