Any day a public masturbator is caught is a good day for a couple of reasons: a pervy exhibitionist is yanked off the street, and we get to bust out all our favorite masturbation euphemisms while telling you all about it.
This time we take the pants puppet show on a play date down to Cuyahoga Falls, that little ‘burb that’s at the tip of the head of Akron. According to 19 Action News, a renowned set of metaphorical public masturbators in their own right, the Anonymous Johnson parked his 2000 tan (not purple, sadly) Chevy sedan at the local PetSmart to give that hot rod of his a shining, just a few steps from where Spanky gets his dog treats.
The suspect was happened upon by an innocent bystander wholly unprepared for the backseat white-knuckled solo tube-sock tango. She zipped to call the cops while jotting down the flogger’s license plate, at which point he likely climbed clumsily back to the driver’s seat feeling blue. Cops have a bone to pick with the man and are on the lookout.
No word on if he cracked the window for himself before, during, or after his impromptu upholstery session.
This article appears in Jul 11-17, 2012.
Appropriate he was at PetsMart. Where else should you “spank the Monkey?”
It’s amazing that I can just walk up to a car, write the license plate down, and tell the police I saw someone flogging the dolphin, and that person is in legal trouble without any proof. What if he was minding his own business and a bumble bee attacked his wiener and he was trying to rub the stinger out…among many other unlikely situations?
If he was going for irony then he should have been at the zoo…
Because nothing turns guys on quite as much as PetsMart.
Great point bma. And of course we all know the faster you rub, the faster you can get the stinger out