Just a week after Scene profiled a brutal 2011 assault against two transgender women in Cleveland, 17-year-old Leelah Alcorn from Union Township committed suicide by jumping in front of a semitrailer on I-71.

Leelah left a suicide note on her Tumblr page, citing years of bullying from her parents and classmates. She wrote: “There’s no winning. There’s no way out. I’m sad enough already, I don’t need my life to get any worse. People say ‘it gets better’ but that isn’t true in my case. It gets worse. Each day I get worse.”

Following the aforementioned assault in Cleveland, one of the transgender women eventually decided to detransition to life as a man. The decision stemmed in part from society’s general attitudes and interactions with transgender people.

During the Transgender Day of Remembrance in Cleveland in November 2014, speakers urged the community-at-large to be more compassionate. 

Here’s Leelah’s note in full:

If you are reading this, it means that I have committed suicide and obviously failed to delete this post from my queue.

Please don’t be sad, it’s for the better. The life I would’ve lived isn’t worth living in… because I’m transgender. I could go into detail explaining why I feel that way, but this note is probably going to be lengthy enough as it is. To put it simply, I feel like a girl trapped in a boy’s body, and I’ve felt that way ever since I was 4. I never knew there was a word for that feeling, nor was it possible for a boy to become a girl, so I never told anyone and I just continued to do traditionally “boyish” things to try to fit in.

When I was 14, I learned what transgender meant and cried of happiness. After 10 years of confusion I finally understood who I was. I immediately told my mom, and she reacted extremely negatively, telling me that it was a phase, that I would never truly be a girl, that God doesn’t make mistakes, that I am wrong. If you are reading this, parents, please don’t tell this to your kids. Even if you are Christian or are against transgender people don’t ever say that to someone, especially your kid. That won’t do anything but make them hate them self. That’s exactly what it did to me.

My mom started taking me to a therapist, but would only take me to christian therapists, (who were all very biased) so I never actually got the therapy I needed to cure me of my depression. I only got more christians telling me that I was selfish and wrong and that I should look to God for help.
When I was 16 I realized that my parents would never come around, and that I would have to wait until I was 18 to start any sort of transitioning treatment, which absolutely broke my heart. The longer you wait, the harder it is to transition. I felt hopeless, that I was just going to look like a man in drag for the rest of my life. On my 16th birthday, when I didn’t receive consent from my parents to start transitioning, I cried myself to sleep.

I formed a sort of a “fuck you” attitude towards my parents and came out as gay at school, thinking that maybe if I eased into coming out as trans it would be less of a shock. Although the reaction from my friends was positive, my parents were pissed. They felt like I was attacking their image, and that I was an embarrassment to them. They wanted me to be their perfect little straight christian boy, and that’s obviously not what I wanted.

So they took me out of public school, took away my laptop and phone, and forbid me of getting on any sort of social media, completely isolating me from my friends. This was probably the part of my life when I was the most depressed, and I’m surprised I didn’t kill myself. I was completely alone for 5 months. No friends, no support, no love. Just my parent’s disappointment and the cruelty of loneliness.

At the end of the school year, my parents finally came around and gave me my phone and let me back on social media. I was excited, I finally had my friends back. They were extremely excited to see me and talk to me, but only at first. Eventually they realized they didn’t actually give a shit about me, and I felt even lonelier than I did before. The only friends I thought I had only liked me because they saw me five times a week.

After a summer of having almost no friends plus the weight of having to think about college, save money for moving out, keep my grades up, go to church each week and feel like shit because everyone there is against everything I live for, I have decided I’ve had enough. I’m never going to transition successfully, even when I move out. I’m never going to be happy with the way I look or sound. I’m never going to have enough friends to satisfy me. I’m never going to have enough love to satisfy me. I’m never going to find a man who loves me. I’m never going to be happy. Either I live the rest of my life as a lonely man who wishes he were a woman or I live my life as a lonelier woman who hates herself. There’s no winning. There’s no way out. I’m sad enough already, I don’t need my life to get any worse. People say “it gets better” but that isn’t true in my case. It gets worse. Each day I get worse.

That’s the gist of it, that’s why I feel like killing myself. Sorry if that’s not a good enough reason for you, it’s good enough for me. As for my will, I want 100% of the things that I legally own to be sold and the money (plus my money in the bank) to be given to trans civil rights movements and support groups, I don’t give a shit which one. The only way I will rest in peace is if one day transgender people aren’t treated the way I was, they’re treated like humans, with valid feelings and human rights. Gender needs to be taught about in schools, the earlier the better. My death needs to mean something. My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say “that’s fucked up” and fix it. Fix society. Please.

Goodbye,

(Leelah) Josh Alcorn

This article appears in Dec 24-30, 2014.

Eric Sandy is an award-winning Cleveland-based journalist. For a while, he was the managing editor of Scene. He now contributes jam band features every now and then.

31 replies on “Ohio Transgender Teen Commits Suicide, Citing Bullying from Peers and Parents”

  3. I agree that you should love your child and support them in whatever endeavor they should be going for. But i do not feel bad for this kid. I mean to write (My death needs to be counted in the number of transgender people who commit suicide this year. I want someone to look at that number and say “that’s fucked up” and fix it. Fix society. Please.) Well i am sorry but you are deliberately contributing to the problem. Instead of working on yourself and striving towards independence from your family you chose to take your life…Providing more and more support for gay and transgendered kids to consider suicide. I am sorry but if you want to make a difference then get your head out of your ass and start a movement. That is where real change happens. Suicide….is never the answer in such a circumstance.

  4. I hope the parents are investigated. Sounds like they really dropped the ball with “Christian” therapy. Horrible to see/hear the way people who are different are treated in this day and age. If I had known Leelah, she would have been welcomed by my family.

  5. Ryan P Nedoma: You’re honestly blaming gay and transgender people who have committed suicide for other gay and transgender people committing suicide? Believe me, people rarely commit suicide solely because others have done so. At times, it might be that final push, perhaps, but the thought would likely have been around for a fair while–and who can with certainty say that if they had not done it at that time, they wouldn’t have done so later?

    Suicidal thoughts do not come out of nowhere. People don’t see news about a suicide and think “geeze, might be time I kill myself as well” unless they already were considering it.

    Blame those that made them consider it in the first place. Blame those that makes this world a hostile place for teenagers like Leelah. Blame those that let a child or teenager with depression suffer by forcing them through biased “therapy” instead of giving them the help they need. Blame those that would rather have a dead son than a living daughter. Those that would rather have a lonely and depressive “straight” kid than a lesbian or gay child.

    Blame those that cause the problems, rather than those who are made to suffer for so long that they start feeling like they must get out some way and then are giving no other way out than to end their life.

  6. Saddest thing I have read all year . What parent does this to their child ? Isn’t loving our children supposed to be as natural as breathing , regardless of their sexual identity ? Shame on the people whose job it was to support him , help him , validate him and , most of all , make sure he would never once doubt their love for him.

  7. Such a shame. RIP Leelah. God loves all no matter what u are. Love ur kid’s and love each other. ✌👭❤💙💜💛💚👬

  8. If we can educate parents and families, we may be able to combat the death toll. Parents need to be made aware of the fact that transitioning really is a matter of life and death. If you’re the parent of a trans teen, you might never fully understand your child’s need to transition, but you have to accept the fact that if you chose to act as Leelah’s parents have, you may very well have to bury your child. Would you rather have a living child or a dead one? More trans visibility and education are essential to changing this upsetting pattern.

  9. Aw my sweet, I wish you’d have been my child. My heart is breaking. Rest in eternal peace my love for no-one can hurt u now. My deepest heartfelt love from a mother of a transgender daughter
    “Fly, fly little wing – fly where only angels sing … fly away, the time is right. Go now … find the light …” 💖

  10. Aw I’m so heart broken!! If only you were my child!! I would have supported you and made you feel like you belong. What a sad sad life and what a shocking excuse of parents!! This is awful. I CAN NOT STAND CHRISTIANS LIKE THIS!! ITS SO DISGUSTING.

  11. I feel for this little girl. I know she’s with God now. But I’m a little saddened no one’s thought about the truck driver she stepped out in front of to do this. Now this guy has to live the rest of his life knowing that he’s killed this poor child. Say what you want, but at the end of the day it’s a selfish act. It’s a permanent solution to a temporary problem (keep reading before you fly off the handle and post some vindictive reply–I’m going somewhere with this). Once she was old enough (less than a year) to get out and leave the nest and go experience the wonderful world and all of the people like her, accepting and waiting to love her, she wouldn’t have to be caught up in that vacuum of small mindedness where she lived. But we can’t ignore that this is something that needs to be brought to national, and moreover global attention. This kid didn’t ask to be born this way. She just was. And whereas I believe in God, there’s no way He’s going to make someone and be wrong by some Christian group’s standards. These people exist, and the close-minded, afraid of anything that’s different shit needs to stop. Love one another. God gave us such an EASY way to coexist, and we act like love is so hard! I don’t like the argumentative nature of these message boards. They cause more anger and pent-up aggression towards each other, than what actually needs to be spread around. Focus the energy on helping the problem. Not just ranting for the sake of argument, and then going back to your American Idol.

  13. We must love unconditionally!!!!!…..Period…. We must forgive infinitely!!!!!…..Period……

  14. I thought girls who acted like boys were called ‘Tom Boys’ cause.. i remember that being rather normal.

    Also.. Suicide is a pussy’s way out.
    It’s sad as a death, but suicide shows that she was a coward and didn’t want to try to better her situation. Even as ‘hopeless’ Suicide is still selfish, pussy thing to do.

  15. fuckin brutal ! poor kid ! as a trans girl with fucked up religious parents i know how hard it can be day to day .. to think someone would turn their back on their own blood for something they have no proof exists makes me cringe . crazy book written by middle eastern men 2000 yrs ago .. reminde me again why we believe it ? we dont believe what men in the mid east today have to say lol .. these people are full of shit and hold their entire existence to impossible standards and are violent when people disagree with them .. the “god says its wrong ” excuse is a punk ass copp out !!

  16. I’m am sorry Leelah that you had such ignorant parents. I hope these people live with the guilt that they killed their daughter. All she wanted was to be herself and for that she got punished. I’m tired of people that call themselves Christians but then do things like this to their kids. God loves us all not only the straight people. As parents you were suppose to love and protect your child from anything that could harm her. But instead of trying to understand her you hid her away from the world. You shame me more than Leelah would ever shame me. I really hope you are reading this because I’m so angry of parents that behave this way. They rather their child be sad and depressed because they are a little different than to just accept them no matter what. What kind of parents do this to their child. Yes you did this to her. I hope you don’t have any other children because you don’t deserve them. God help them to learn what being a real Christian is. People stop judging others because they are not like you or what you call “normal” we are all gods children. Only our Lord has a right to judge us. RIP Leelah I’m sorry sweetie you were so lonely.I am a supporter of HRC (Human Rights campaign) = this is a symbol of love, hope, and fairness. Please help be a voice for equality for LGBT people. In case u don’t know what that stands for ( lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender)

  17. I just think that no matter who you are, you are no one to decide a persons identity. If they decide they want to be boy or girl them let them. Yes you may have been one to care for them or even raise them but ultimately it their life to live and unless you are this higher deity, you are no one to decide what becomes of them and their decisions to be who they are and become who they want to be. And to JAMES TAYLOR: Leelah was 16, I don’t think she had much options when she had no one. It can be pretty tiring to fend for yourself as a being and an individual one moment after another. Had it been you I bet you wouldn’t be able to handle it either and if you say you can you’re probably all talk. You disgust me for calling out Leelah as a pussy. You just degraded yourself as a person. I find you so indifferent and ignorant. You are so beneath me you don’t even exist. Leelah you will remembered as a beacon of light that fought to bring more awareness to the matter at hand. This is a serious issue and although it took you away from us, you are saving many lives. Thank you so much. Now fly high you beautiful angel.

  18. This is a good example of why I feel religion is detrimental to society. Because mom and dad are such good christians they didn’t take her to get actual help she needed. They wouldn’t have been so disgusted by their own kid if it wasn’t against their faith. RIP leelah

  19. What a disgusting thing to do to the driver of the semi-trailer he/she jumped in front of. It is sad he/she was lonely and had issues with his/her parents. Millions of people go through that, and millions more go through far, far worse. Choosing to violently murder yourself to get revenge on family and acquaintances who simply did not understand him/her, and choosing to do so by violently traumatizing an innocent bystander, cannot be justified. I’m glad this troubled person did not go out by, say, becoming a school shooter or something involving the murder of others in addition to one’s self, but the extreme and violent way he/she chose to go out is similar in mentality.

  20. I’m glad that this person jumping in front of a semitrailer did not cause a horrible freeway wreck that killed a bunch of completely innocent people. That was only due to luck — this person simply did not care about the harm to others. And of course it did cause trauma to the driver of the semitrailer, which will perhaps be a lifelong emotional scarring of that driver. This person had consciously decided to cause trauma to others. A disgusting way to go out. Loneliness and parents who take away your social media access don’t justify such a deplorable decision to cause harm.

  21. This person had serious mental issues as the pressures of our entertainment driven society were too much. Being obsessed with looking “female” is a sickness. This person wanted to look like a perfect “female”, but what does this really mean? At a different time or place, what this person was striving to become would be completely different.

    The media feeds to us what it means to be a man or a woman, and for some this becomes an obsession. I wish this person could have cherished their own life and been thankful for being here. It is a sad story and not a story to be glorified.

  22. Now, as a follow up to my previous post….we must seek Solutions….Unconditional Love!!!!!

  23. This young lady did not wish to look like a “perfect female” maybe you need to see a mental therapist to ask what transgender means! REST IN PEACE Leelah. I wish you could have found another way to open people’s eyes. I wish you did not endanger and traumatize the poor semi truck driver. I wish you had better and more understanding parents. Most of all I wish you felt and knew you were excepted. No matter who we are there will always be some group of people that do not understand or like us. I am heterosexual Christian however I do know whole heartedly that our sexual preference is not chosen nor is it a mental illness! All love should be unconditional and worth fighting for till the end of the earth!

  24. KMBx2: Transgenderism is a struggle to find congruence (acceptance) between a person’s inner feelings of how he or she should look to one’s actual external appearance most typically as it relates to sexual orientation. Unfortunately, the suicide rate of self identified transgendered individuals is higher than the rest of society as many transgender individuals cannot reconcile inner feelings with reality and become depressed.

    To blame others for the fate of this poor soul, is unfair. Every day people are treated unfairly or experience terrible events, yet people do overcome and go on to live meaningful lives. I have dated transgendered individuals and I have found some wonderful people who live fulfilling transgendered lives.

  26. This is sad..but to blame the parents..who didnt want their kid judged..or looked upon like he was. As parents we gotta realize..we can teach them right from wring..but hiw they choose to live is their option. ..cause no matyer wat after they become young adults. .they arent gonna take any advice. .they have their. Own way of thinking and living..I like. The parents say..u cant chang how god created u..no matter how u try..even get sex change..your soul is the same..sorry this kid died but her choices arent so bright..and if u look and wonder why transgender s are so miserable. .cause their trying to change gods creation. .and yea..u cant fix stupid…

  27. WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PARENTS! YOU KID IS BORN THIS WAY! ITS NOT A CHOICE. SOCIETY IS CRUEL ENOUGH. LOVE YOUR KIDS FOR WHO THEY ARE & WHO THEY WANT TO BE. ITS NOT YOUR CHOICE. SHE REALLY NEEDED SOME SUPORT FROM HER FAMILY & THEY WHERENT THERE FOR HER NOW THEY HAVE TO LIVE WITH THAT & FROM WHAT IVE BEEN READING THEY DONT SEEM TO CARE. MY SON TOLD ME A YEAR AGO HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN BORN A GIRL. I HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY SUPORTIVE. I LOVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT & WILL NEVER EVER TURN MY BACK ON HIM.

  28. My sister commuted suicide and to feel that pain is heartbreaking. It isn’t anybody’s place to sit back and judge this poor GIRL!!!!!!! People are seriosly need to get a grip on reality and realize not a single one of you is better than anybody else. Stop judging and love unconditionally, without strings.

  29. Today’s society is cruel to humans who dare to be different. I’m 16 and dare to be different. I dare to say that I’m a girl stuck in a man’s body. Not only do the parents of people treat their own flesh and blood like crap just because they’re different, but THEIR OWN PEERS do as well… This type of disgusting stereotypical fear is all over the world. Just because you believe in something, does NOT mean you should FORCE what you believe on others. Every day gorgeous people like Leelah here are fighting for what they believe and know to be true in their eyes. Never, and I mean NEVER say that someone is something just because they were born in a specific body. That’s just as bad as saying a book is a dictionary because someone wrote the word “dictionary” on it with a Sharpie! Nobody can control what sex they’re born with… BUT, they CAN decide which way they wish to lead their life. To attempt to tell someone that they’re not something they know to be true, is taking away their right to their own opinion. Parents have the right to raise their kid in their own manner but do NOT have the right to tell them that they can’t be something they wish to be. How would YOU feel if your dreams were crushed by someone whom has given you so much!? My name is Bree (Branden Matney) and I support the LGBT community. I really don’t care if you don’t like me for it or not. I have a right to believe in what I wish to believe in. You will be missed by many Leelah. Rest In Peace.

  30. It’s sad how we are told to be our selves and when we strive to be ourselves socity and everyone around us shame us and treat us like we’re the horrible people, when in all reality, they are for discourraging diversity.

    Rest in Peace Leelah, you are loved by all. <3

    -Myra

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