It’s one of the most enduring mysteries in Ohio history: What happened to Sen. Rob Portman’s testicles?
Now, four years after they were officially declared missing, police have reopened the cold case.
Detectives say they were spurred by Portman’s silence over recent events in Washington, D.C., when President Donald Trump ordered peaceful protesters tear-gassed and shot with rubber bullets so he could hold a photo op at St. Mark’s Church.
Asked to comment on the violence, Portman simply told a reporter, “I’m late for lunch.”
Then, after retired Marine General James Mattis wrote that Trump is a threat to the Constitution, Portman feigned ignorance. “I haven’t read it,” he said.
“It’s clear the senator’s been thoroughly emasculated,” said Lt. Zeke Williams of the D.C. Police Department. “If we can reunite him with his testicles, we hope he can finally begin the long road to recovery and restore his courage.”
The tragic saga began in 2016, when Portman first reported them missing.
Initially, police weren’t overly concerned. The senator had long been estranged from his testicles, which had frequently run away in the past. Detectives assumed they would eventually reappear, however fleetingly.
Yet as the months wore on, the investigation took a darker turn. Portman first claimed his testicles may have gone on vacation without telling anyone. Later, he suggested they were kidnapped by terrorists opposed to his ongoing fight to provide tax cuts for the wealthy.
But when both scenarios were ruled out, Portman abruptly lawyered up, refusing further cooperation with investigators.
These days, even close friends have taken to calling him “Senator Eunuch.” As recently as Memorial Day weekend, Portman was again silent after Trump tweeted that a 72-year-old woman was a “skank,” falsely accused a former Republican congressman of murder, and tried to incite a scandal involving Barack Obama by simply attaching “gate” to the former president’s name.
Privately, detectives admit there’s little hope his testicles are still alive. They also suspect Portman may have been involved in their murder.
“That’s the theory, that he either whacked ‘em or had someone do it for him,” said one officer not authorized to publicly comment on the case.
Police recently used cadaver dogs to search the backyard of pharmaceutical lobbyist’s summer home in the Hamptons. A warrant was also issued at a Goldman Sachs office in Connecticut. There, police discovered the mummified remains of Sen. Lindsey Graham’s testicles – missing since 1978 — but the search for Portman’s came up empty.
In a prepared statement, Portman spokesman Biff Wellington denounced the investigation as “ridiculous. The senator’s cowardice should not be conflated with any suggestion he murdered his balls. It’s a simple case of cowardice, nothing more.”
Police, however, are not convinced.
Said one officer: “We’re working on the assumption that he conspired with known associates – hedge fund managers, private equity firms, or someone else with an interest in having another ball-less senator out there. We don’t know if they’re buried under some Chamber of Commerce office, or if a UnitedHealth exec has ‘em mounted on the wall of his hunting lodge.”
This article appears in Jun 3-9, 2020.
If this article was supposed to be amusing, it isn’t.
I’ll bet there are many from the twelve year old and under set that would love such a thoughtfully written article.
(hu hu – he said balls – giggle giggle giggle)
Everyone outside that age bracket is laughing at you, not with you.
You are just not very good at this line of work**.
(**My apologies and condolences if you’re one of the clots that is actually paying scene to print this stuff)
Look in Trump’s bunker.
Sadly — but not surprisingly — Portman has lots and lots of company in Congress.
Not that the Democrats are any better — they’re not.
Of the 535 members of Congress, maybe five have an ounce of integrity. The rest are all boot-licking hypocrites.
“Police Renew Search for Sen. Rob Portman’s Missing Testicles “
Update:
Acting on a tip, police closely examined Pete Kotz chin.
Unfortunately, the pair slamming off Pete Kotz chin were not those of Senator Portman.
I applaud Cleveland Scene for renewing the public interest in locating the person or persons involved with the grand larceny of the testicles (scrotum and two separate testes with fibrous tissues still attached) of the great senator Robert Portman. Nobody deserves the life of a eunuch without properly consenting. If the full package (I am not making light of this crime) is found, please contact Sen. Portman’s office in any of the methods listed at https://www.portman.senate.gov/meet/contact
Thanks!
Despite the criticism from those poor folks that have no sense of humor, I thought this satire was hilarious.
An Amazon distribution center in California was started on fire. Didn’t you write something sbout that this week Pete? I wonder if the arsonist read your article.
“Fire tears through Amazon distribution center in Redlands, California”
That sound was Pete Kotz, The Zelmans, Euclid Media Group and Scene Magazine collectively dying.
I just got in touch with Amazon’s Legal Team yesterday and sent them a copy of the article.
Hope Pete takes the bridge, literally.
Check your chin, Pete.
Is anyone looking to put together a solid online alternative news and entertainment magazine? Scene cannot be salvaged from the disaster that it currently is. Artists can’t even get an article on here unless the record proceeds are going to blm or some other virtue signal.
Now you’re pestering lawyers, Lone Wingnut? I wish I could be there to hear the snarky California attorneys m laugh at what they just received from some tinfoil-hat wingnut hunkering down in his mom’s basement in Ohio.
“Hey, look at what we just got from some loser in one of those shithole cities back East. Ain’t this a hoot? Some rant about some weekly rag that he doesn’t like and wants us to SUE. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha HA!”
You sound more deranged every day. Why don’t you walk under a Red Line train and forget to wake up, you moronic asshat? Just put yourself out of your misery before some fed-up lefty does it for you.
Pete sucks worse than ever…more and more with each attempt.
But a subpoena? To compell him to testify? Where…and to what?
At a hearing about the riots that hasn’t even begun to happen yet?
You sure you don’t mean your own sub-penis? Or maybe you’re gonna SUE him like you want Amazon to do to SCENE? Grow the fuck up and shut the fuck up, you lame-brained wiener.
Violence-inciting? What violence? There was no violence. He posted his lame attempt at humor AFTER the violence. You gonna sue him for being unamusing? If that’s a crime, you’d better lawyer up.
The jury of the court of public opinion has found you guilty…of being Clevelan’d biggest pain in the ass. Find a new hobby. get a fucking life already.
Your sentence? To die in the gas station. No, not the gas chamber. You’re gonna work at that gas station store for the rest of your life.
This is great, but I have to add that there are many women in the world, sans testicles, that wouldn’t act like Portman. I think they should search for his soul instead.
FEMININA LibMales haven’t had their testicles for at least three decades. In fact they have them surgically removed in order to become democrats.
The whole problem with our political arena is our “LEADERS” are controlled by the parties they belong to. We need people in charge that are more concerned with what is good for ALL the American people, and not who is republican or democrat. We need more statesmen and fewer politicians. As far as I’m concerned most are only concerned for themselves, and to hell with everything else. WE HAVE TO PULL TOGETHER TO SURVIVE.
Why do you call yourself Public House?
Are you one of those lushes at that Hibernian West Park shithole, or what? You must love living in a neighborhood of Democrats, but you do have all your Trump-loving cop and firefighter pals to drink with. Or are you one of those, too?
Too late, Rick. We won’t survive. The last five years, and especially the last three months, have done us in. The wheels are coming off. Hope you like watching train wrecks. We are toast. Burnt toast.
Poor demented deranged libgoofs
Still waiting for an answer, you mick bastard…
Probably one of those left-handed Orange turkeys from Ulster who votes Republican and isn’t even Catholic. A hopeless Trumpster, too.
“Still waiting for an answer, you mick bastard…”
Says a whiny little bitch behind a keyboard who knows under no circumstances would he ever be man enough to walk in to any irish bar and repeat any thing he has said here. Just another keyboard bad ass.
You should give the cops a call and have them look for your tiny little nads as well.
Touched a nerve, did I? I guess that answers my question. Is that what manhood is to all you Hibernian clowns? Walking into a bar and settling things with your fists? That’s all you ham-fisted jamokesknow how to do…drink and fight and have eleven kids.
I’m glad you’re so off. Can’t wait to see how red your face gets when your Trump yard sign disappears. Just another right-wing hater racist asshat who has made Cleveland what it is for so many years…a joke.
I’ve no beef with the West Side Irish…lots of Irish neighbors, and my cousin is married to a colleen named Bridget…but anybody (conservative or otherwise) who picks “Public House” as a username is just setting themselves up as a big, fat, green, shamrock-shaped target.
“Touched a nerve, did I?”
You’re talking to two different people. I just said you would never be man enough to go in to any irish bar and repeat what you said here. And that still stands.
” Is that what manhood is to all you Hibernian clowns?”
Not all but most certainly, you’re not a man if you run your mouth only when there are no ramifications for doing so.
I’d been wondering myself where his testicles were. Funny stuff. But, seriously, Portman has to go.