The NEOMG’s Adam Ferrise reports that the Garfield Monument at Lakeview Cemetery in Cleveland Heights has been burglarized. The visible casket of President Andrew Garfield remains intact, but several commemorative spoons are missing!
Cigarette butts and a bottle of Fireball whiskey were located nearby by responding police and have been sent to the crackerjack Cleveland Heights forensic team for DNA testing.
“Drop what you’re doing,” Scene imagines police chief Jeffrey Robertson saying, via loudspeaker or megaphone. “I want every man and woman on this case, and I mean on the double.”
According to Ferrise, reports say police believe the person “broke in through a broken window” — Not exactly Sherlockian stuff, given that the window was broken and shattered glass was everywhere, scattered around a bottle of Fireball.
Cemetery employees did alert police that they had fired an employee the day before, one who had demonstrated “extreme opposite behavior,” compared to his normal demeanor. No word, in the reports, about what the normal demeanor was.
For now, the spoon thief remains at large, but we’ll be following the case closely. Given the Cleveland Heights’ Police Department’s sterling track record, this guy ought to be found in no time. Justice will be swift and without mercy.
This article appears in May 28 – Jun 3, 2014.
Who steals a dead-man’s spoons? I mean honestly.
lolololol Andrew Garfield. You goobers! You got us there.
So, Sammy, you couldn’t even get his name right, when it was in HUGE BLACK HEADLINES…what is that, at least a 72-point font? WTF you been smoking? Andrew Garfinkle? Why not Jason or Joshua or Jadeveon, clown? That last one has a nice ring to it.
And “police believe the person broke in through a broken window…” Broken BY the burglar? Or BEFORE? Big difference! No excuse for the window being already broken and allowing easier entry. Shoulda been fixed by the maintenance personnel if the window was already broken. Hey, it’s the tomb of a freakin’ POTUS, for Andrew’s sake.
They’ll be back for the copper, coppers…
Chuckles the Clown
Every respectable Ohioan knows it’s James A. Garfield.
STERLING track record…nyuk nyuk nyuk…was that intentional? Look for a thief from Cleveland Heights…a native with a silver spoon in his mouth.
I’m funny.
Hire me.
Chuckles the Clown
Andy garfield?
2nd time posting this without editing and changing Andrew to James. Thinking about deleting you guys.
And its the second time that you were fooled joe Fergus.
Most people don’t know that President Garfield was affectionately called by those closest to him by his nickname of A-Gar
It is nice to see that The STOLEN PHOTO has been taken down.. I guess stealing photos is OK but Spoons not so much.. Why give credit to the potographer Great work Scene.