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Way the hell out in Kenton, Ohio — in that nebulous nowhere between Toledo and Columbus — two new Amish homes have been condemned by the county health board for improper septic systems.

And the Amish are pissed off. More than 100 of them gathered in a protest earlier this week asking Hardin County officials to overturn the order which demands that the residents comply or else move out.

One of the dwellers read a prepared statement: “Our goal is to uphold and maintain the biblical principles of faith which our forefathers believed: to be a separate people. And, as stated in Romans 12th chapter, ‘Be ye not conformed … ‘.”

THEY WILL POOP AS THEY PLEASE!!!

Well, not according to health officials and the county prosecutor. They’ve said that it’s not just a matter of the two homes. Leeching and contamination can harm everybody’s water even if toxicity and bacteria levels (or something) appear stable now.

“Our rules at the health department are to prevent problems before they happen, not to react to them,” said the prosecutor.

Hardin County’s position is basically that they have no problem respecting the autonomy and religious traditions of the Amish (or other groups) so long as everyone else isn’t affected.

Poop water is literally too much to stomach.

Sam Allard is a former senior writer at Scene.

4 replies on “The Amish Just Want to Poop in Peace”

  1. Human feces, like dog feces, is toxic. It is not fertilizer. It’s best kept out of the ground.

  2. Them gosh darn amish do whatever they please,They poop in holes in the ground and hate tractors why. I’ve even seen one of there Stupid horses take a dump on the road and they didn’t even stop to pick it up,They just ran it over! How do u like them apples?

  3. The Amish are not allowed to own such advanced technologies such as plumbing pipes or light bulbs, or doors. You know, because you’re a horrible person and/or a witch if you own those things. And don’t even get me started on paper…

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