The following is a comment left in response to “We’d All Like to Flee to the Cleve,” a story we ran in C-Notes last April about a 30 Rock episode that took place in Cleveland. You will notice it’s signed by a guy calling himself the highly original “Mellow Yellow.” You will notice he’s from New York. You will notice he’s an asshole.
Behold the words of an unoriginal New York asshole: The problem is even attempting to compare Cleveland to New York. It’s utterly ridiculous to try to compare a third rate midwestern city to the greatest city in the world. You lose. Maybe compare Cleveland to Pittsburgh or even Philadelphia, but don’t try New York. Freaking Cleveland is not Paris in case you haven’t noticed.
I’m a New Yorker. Cleveland to me is the dreariest grayest most boring depressing place on earth. There is no question that a person who go through life and be successful in New York or LA would be the belle of whatever ball they choose in Cleveland. Conversely, the best of Cleveland wouldn’t stand a chance in New York or LA.
And the truth is 90% of Clevelanders are at least 30 pounds overweight (and I’m being kind), out of style, hayseeds. It’s the midwest, get over yourselves and accept that. Go on myspace. Every Clevelander’s profile has a banner that says “Stop the Hatin” Geez. How much hate is there in the state of Ohio??????
Maybe it’s the dull grey Harvey Pikar-ness of Cleveland that makes everybody so depressed that they just eat themselves into oblivion. Watch American Splendor to see the reality that is Cleveland. I lived in Cleveland for a very long six months. That film, Harvey Pikar himself, the dullness, the greyness, the droopiness of the person is the personification of Cleveland itself.
Stay there and keep trying to convince yourselves you live in the coolest place in the world. It’s the midwest. If there was a world war, Cleveland would be the last place the US standing because nobody would waste a missile on it.
Mellow Yellow

This article appears in Oct 3-9, 2007.

16 replies on “Thoughts on Cleveland from an Uppity New York Asshole”

  1. “Award-winning” headline and preamble notwithstanding, (this must be the week for the truth to hit too close for comfort at Scene), I agree with every single nuance of Mellow Yellow’s observation (although he or she seems hardly mellow). Native Clevelanders are lazy, cheap, selfish, indifferent and spineless — garbage in, garbage out. So, Cleveland is nothing more than negative space in people’s ideals of where they might live rather than just exist.`

  2. At least the entire city of Cleveland doesn’t smell like hot wet garbage, unlike some other cities we know- and our lattes don’t cost $10.

  3. Michael A. Miller, if you hate Cleveland so much, why don’t you just leave? I realize the packing will cut into the time you usually reserve each day to post on this blog. But maybe you can replace the six hours you spend writing your hateful posts every day with boxing your belongings and moving your racist ass out of here. You can always bitch about Scene from your new home in New York.

  4. Thanks for reading, Bill — and, undoubtedly, taking longer to read it than it takes me to write it.
    I think it’s unfair to the staff of “Scene” that you should to go off-topic and use their space to launch an attack against me, a reader not unlike yourself. I didn’t write the “Mellow Yellow” piece. So, if you disagree with the author, why don’t you counter his or her argument with some opposing, positive points? Your tone sounds tantalizingly familiar. Maybe you rebutted to me the other day, using the pseudonym “michaelamillerisamoron”. Or did you once claim a Scrabble vistory using the word “racist” and you just can’t stop basking?

  6. Yes, he is an asshole but I do have to agree that its not hard to think you are somebody there. The ladder is soo low it doesnt go up that high.
    Alot of people there have these big egos, its a small pond! I cant get anyone to come out to az to visit or try it just because they are all just talkers. Honestly alot of those people arnt even from cleveland proper. Everyone comes from the surrounding suburbs w these ideas for the big city CLEVELAND. Thats probably where this new fad is coming from.
    Urban sprawl! Come one! Come all! Expensive falafel in the ghetto and valet on clark ave! You can act like you dealt w the hardships of low class housing and public schools w/o actually getting abused or molested as a child!
    Im glad Im not around to watch the trolly circle my neighborhood like my friends and I were docile creatures anymore.
    Good luck sweeping that mess under the rug!

  7. All I can say is FUCK NEW YORK CITY. If you don’t like Cleveland then go back to your $2500/month 200 sq. ft. efficiency.

  8. I am not here to argue points with anyone!I am,however,here to share my view.I recently moved to Arizona, and while it is beautiful,I find myself appreciating C-town like I never thought I would!!I was one of the chronic complainers of all things Cleveland!Having left the city I now see all the great things it has to offer.Fantastic restaurants,lovely museums,eclectic historical districts, and ofcoarse,our sports teams!!!! More then anything,amazing people! I am proud to be an intelligent,educated girl from the midwest. Yes!!! you can be both

  9. I am a born and raised Ohio girl who is now working in the schools of Cleveland. I agree that there are those living in Clevelnad who are cut-throat, lazy, cheap, and spineless. But those types of people live in every state. How else do we have CEOs of huge corperations? How else do we get crooked polititions (which includes about 85% of polititions)? How else do we have name brands where you pay umpteen dollers or more for a label? Because those people are spineless, cheap, and cutthroat. They take out those on the bottem so that they can stay on top. At the same time, everyone is lazy, in every city. Cleveland is no exceptions. Millions take away our tax money to take advantage of welfare. Electricity was invented for a more efficent, less strenuous way to have light while it is dark. The wheel was invented because carrying things was just too darn hard. Humans are this way by nature.
    Cleveland has had its hardships that should be repected and not poked fun of or ridiculed. My father was a steel worker in Cleveland for 31+ years and they told him to pack up and leave while thousands of others were laid off just the same. Its outsourcing and an unfair market that is slowly killing Cleveland…but that’s progress. Cleveland is just alive and rich in its history, culture, and sports as almost any other city. Right now we might not have the economy to support going to these places to visit and enjoy right now, but in time we hopefully will. Jacobs Field, the warehouse district, the Cuyahoga River, Monuments, Cemetaries, Art Museums, the Science Center, The Rock and Roll hall of Fame….all offering a history and reminder of our culture and our city.
    I do not appreciate being lumped into Mellow Yellow’s opinion of Clevelanders, but I understand that he has an opinion. When one feels that strongly against a city or state, that might lead one to think that he had a terrible experience and has based his opinion on that experience. Do not allow him to ruffle your feathers. Stand up and be proud that you live in Cleveland. It might not get the most sun as other states/cities, but its our home still the same.

  11. It seems like Mellow Yellow missed the point of the 30 Rock episode. The episode wasn’t comparing Cleveland to NYC. It was showing that people can gain a new perspective on their life by going to another city. It also shows that we each value different things in life and make choices to emphasize what matters most.
    People choose where to live based on what they value and, often, where they have a support system of friends and family.
    But, my problem with his comments are that they are either exaggerated or incorrect.
    “greatest city in the world” – That’s pretty subjective. Some people might prefer a larger city, like Sao Paulo. Some people might prefer a city with more history, like London. Some people might prefer a team with a better baseball team.
    “Cleveland is not Paris” – I agree, but NYC is not Paris either. French wine country, the Louvre and the culinary tradition – I like NYC, but it’s no Paris.
    “dreariest grayest most boring depressing place on earth” (missing some punctuation James Joyce and the correct use of a plural noun) – you might want to check the statistics on that. Cleveland is not even close to being the most dreary, nor gray. NYC has an average temp that is about 7 degrees (F) warmer than Cleveland and an average precipitation of about 2 more inches per year than Cleveland. The average number of sunny days (defined as days with little to no clouds)is about 9% more than Cleveland. Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, Philadelphia and NYC have similar weather. It’s not like you are comparing Phoenix and Fairbanks.
    “There is no question that a person who go through life and be successful in New York or LA would be the belle of whatever ball they choose in Cleveland. Conversely, the best of Cleveland wouldn’t stand a chance in New York or LA.” – I’m sure you have based this in fact. In my career field, people from NYC or LA do about as well in Cleveland as anyone else – some better, some worse. I have worked a lot in both NYC and LA – I did well. Well enough to receive job offers to move, but neither one is what I was looking for in a place to live.
    “And the truth is 90% of Clevelanders are at least 30 pounds overweight” – I’m guessing you weren’t a statistics major. This sounds like it is more based on hyperbole than fact.
    “Go on myspace.” – Why are you looking at out-of-state profiles on myspace? Are you one of the predators that Chris Hansen has not caught yet?
    “Harvey Pikar-ness” – I’m not sure who Harvey Pikar is. Do you mean Harvey Pekar?
    “I lived in Cleveland for a very long six months.” – My guess is that you were somewhere out in the suburbs without much desire to explore and find out about Cleveland. That would be like comparing New Jersey to NYC. I’m kind of guessing that you are “bridge and tunnel” person, so you know what I mean. I have lived in NYC longer than you lived here.
    “Stay there and keep trying to convince yourselves you live in the coolest place in the world.” – I don’t think anyone is trying to convince themselves of that. It is more about a wanting to live in a larger city or not. People look at factors like housing choices, commute time, green space, cost of living, restaurant choices, cultural venues and other factors to choose where to live.
    “If there was a world war, Cleveland would be the last place the US standing because nobody would waste a missile on it.” – Another guess on your college major – it wasn’t history, either. We have had a world war, two of them actually. Cleveland was on the short list during the Cold War as a possible missile target. The Soviets knew that steel production is vital to a well-armed military.
    Michael Miller: “Native Clevelanders are lazy, cheap, selfish, indifferent and spineless — garbage in, garbage out.” Although I am not a native Clevelander, I would still say that your statements are not quite accurate. Cleveland often rates near the top of the U.S. for philanthropic giving (my workplace leads the company in per capita giving). That doesn’t seem very cheap nor selfish. I’m not sure where you got lazy, spineless or indifferent.

  13. I am torn here.
    NYC smells like piss? Then we have our shitty-smelling counterpart in Tremont, home of the black soot and sulfuric acid stink.
    We are boring and fat? Yeah. There are some that are. Lazy and spineless? Hmmmm…say hello to our little Mayor, Frankie Boy.
    We’re not NYC. Or Chicago. And if we quit trying to be, we might actually succeed as a city. As it stands? We’re kind of fucking it up by not planning better (CMHA housing being built in the same block as $250K townhomes?! WTF is that about?), not investing more in public transportation systems, and letting the “urban blight” happen by fighting more about a Walmart than spending time and energy improving the fantastic, rich, wonderful heritage that has existed here for years.
    I call myself a Clevelander for now, and like to think that I make the best of it for the most part…enjoying the great museums, restaurants, and the friendliness of (some of) our residents. Where we win hands down when put up against Chi-Town or The Big Apple?
    Potential.
    Let’s try to use it better than we have been. If Mellow Yellow pisses you off, that’s all the more reason to try to prove him wrong.
    P.S. What the fuck were you doing on Ohioans’ mySpace profiles, you Mellow Loser?!

  14. “There is no question that a person who go [sic] through life and be successful in New York or LA would be the belle of whatever ball they choose in Cleveland. Conversely, the best of Cleveland wouldn’t stand a chance in New York or LA.”
    Really? Tell that to The Boss.
    Steinbrenner’s from Cleveland, b*tch.

  15. As a former greater Cleveland having lived in New York for the last 25 years, my only suggestion is to not pay any attention to an obnoxious twit like mellow yellow. He’s all too typical of the arrogant ignoramuses who populate this city. The great Cleveland Orchestra was in town at Carnegie Hall this past week. Critics praise it as arguably the best in the world. Unfortunately for poor mellow yellow, he wouldn’t know Bach from Tchaikovsky any more than he can tell his ass from his elbow!

  16. New york is certainly an amazing city. However, if you’re visiting Ohio, Columbus is pretty much the only city worth checking out. But, if you’re in the northeastern or eastern central part of the state, Akron is the city you want to go to. Extremely vibrant indie arts and house show scene, home to two of the 4 largest colleges in the state, excellent/clean restaurants/bars and genuinely kind and tolerant folks. If you want the winows smashed out of your car and to find out what it feels like to be robbed at gunpoint in a decaying, rusting trash can, then by all means, cleveland is your destination.

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