Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.
A cultural phenomenon that I still find myself swept up in is the tv adaptation of Rachel Reid’s Game Changers series, Heated Rivalry. It has stirred something in me about how deeply representation matters, especially in the LGBTQIA2S+ community. While the books and show may not be perfect in how they display queer culture, I assume that is not really the point. Not every piece of queer entertainment must represent every aspect of the community. In fact, it cannot. The beauty of modern media is that we have room for many kinds of representation because humans are wonderfully unique. As I wrap up my second viewing, I find myself reflecting on all my straight female friends telling me how much they enjoy the show. Not just because of the heartwarming story, but in large part, due to the sex between the two main charters, Ilya and Shane. So, let’s talk some about why women of all kinds enjoy viewing, reading, and listening to this kind of content.
Before I jump into the heart of this article, I must admit how grounding it is to see this show get so much positive support. As a former collegiate athlete who still plays competitively today, I can say that being openly gay in the pro sports world is still rare and often treated as something unheard of. That is why seeing a show confidently depict gay characters is genuinely exciting. Representation like that can do so much for people who are still struggling to come out, especially for younger generations who are searching for examples of healthy and authentic queer lives. It is truly validating to see.
Now, when we explore some of the reasons why women enjoy gay male romance, the simple cultural explanation would be to assume these women just want the men. While I may want the men, especially Hudson Williams, that may not be the case. It a lot of ways, it can be boiled down to objectification. When a woman reads or watches a story centered on a man, she is not being placed in the familiar position of “body as product.” She is not the one being evaluated, compared, or turned into scenery. She gets to be a witness rather than a target. She gets to view mutual desire take place without her needing to lift a finger. That shift matters to the nervous system, and it matters to the erotic imagination.
Our world is saturated with images of female bodies meant to be consumed (e.g. Billboards, Instagram ads, pop music videos, movies that still default to the male gaze, etc.). Even in supposedly progressive spaces, women receive the message that their worth is tied to how desirable they appear. In a gay male romance narrative that entire script disappears. The storyline gets to be about devotion, chosen intimacy, emotional intensity, and vulnerability between male equals. Those themes are exactly what most of my female clients tell me they crave from their own relationships. They want to feel wanted for who they are, not graded for what they look like.
Many women have grown up absorbing the message that sex is something done to them, or something they must perform correctly. Rosemary Basson’s circular model of sexual response offers a very different understanding. It teaches that desire is primarily contextual, not just visual. Gay male romance stories tend to capture those contextual accelerators beautifully. The men in these narratives talk openly about their feelings. They check in with each other and notice each other. Consent is negotiated in ways that feel caring and explicit rather than rushed or assumed. When a reader encounters that kind of interaction, her own sense of arousal and imagination can expand more freely and more safely. In the show, the scenes between Shane and Ilya while extremely sexual, displays a caring, consensual connection that can be quite freeing for women.
I should also talk some about sexual fluidity. Studies have repeatedly shown that, compared to men, women’s erotic interests are often more responsive to situation and emotional tone. That pattern does not mean women are confused about their sexuality, but instead, that they are adaptable to context. With that in mind, it makes perfect sense that a straight woman could become drawn to a genre that finally centers that very idea. The notions of tenderness, longing, taboo, emotional risk, and mutual emotional intensity all appear front and center. Women can explore intense passion on the page or watching a show/movie without having to translate it into real world expectations placed on their own body. Gay male romance gives many women permission to enjoy fantasy as a witness to connection rather than as the person being evaluated.
Psychologically, gay male romance offers a kind of double empathy effect. Women get to see masculinity expressed in flexible ways, which is extremely important in this day and age, and the rigid trope of the emotionally shut down boyfriend softens. Instead of dominance or avoidance, we see men choosing each other, expressing need, and prioritizing connection. Now, that is not the case for every romance novel or visual program, but for the ones that do center this, it can be deeply appealing to a woman who has felt lonely in her own attempts to get a man to open up. She can fall in love with a version of men that feels safe, progressive, and emotionally available.
So, when a female client asks me if it is strange that she prefers gay male romance to traditional straight erotica, my answer is always no, not at all. Her sexual imagination is responding to something that feels safer, more mutual, and more emotionally attuned. That is not a problem. That is adaptive. There is no need to pathologize it. Women are not drawn to gay male romance because they are confused about their sexual selves. They are drawn to it because it offers permission to witness passion without being evaluated or turned into an object. At the end of the day, permission, especially in a culture that so often polices women’s desire, may be one of the most powerful erotic gifts there is. Cheers to that.
Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.
Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for generalinformational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.
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