Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: My Anxious Attachment Style is Keeping Me From Moving Forward From My Ex

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

I’m having a lot of trouble getting over an ex who dropped me last year.
Aside from being limerent, my anxious attachment style seems to have blown my mind. I ignored all the red flags, including the fact that my ex told me she needed space and she was not heard. The next thing I knew she was posting pictures of herself on a BDSM website with severe masochistic and sexually explicit pictures. I believe her attachment style was a heavy-duty dismissive avoidant. My therapist says I just enjoyed the sex so much that I am addicted to it.
Not sure if he just wants me to allow the limerence to wear off, but it’s been bugging the shit out of me for 8 months.

-Anonymous

There is so much to unpack here that I don’t even know where to begin. First, thank you for providing a ton of great language that I will do my best to define for everyone reading. I can tell you have experience in therapy, and it sounds like you are doing your best to process this situation. I talk about breakups often in my practice, and quite honestly, they suck. You meet someone, engage in vulnerability, and form a deep connection that you hope will last “forever.” You mentioned limerence, which can be defined as an obsessive, uncontrollable desire for another person. This can happen in relationships for a number of reasons. While I would attribute some of it to a phenomenon called cognitive interdependence, you also mentioned having an anxious attachment style, which can be one of the main reasons why you are feeling so stuck.

Attachment theory has been around for a long time, and it is a phenomenal way to help us understand our relationships with other people. Although it will be difficult to fully break it down in this response, attachment theory explains how early relationships with caregivers shape an individual’s ability to form emotional bonds throughout life. It categorizes attachment styles into secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, influencing how people connect, trust, and navigate intimacy in relationships. One piece of information people tend to forget is that you are more than just your attachment style, you can have multiple attachment responses depending on the individual. If you want a more clinical approach to attachment theory, look up John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth’s pioneering research on the topic. If you want a more laid-back approach, order Jessica Fern’s book, Polysecure. While this book is geared towards individuals who identify as polyamorous, the first part of it focuses on defining the four attachment styles and how they may show up in adulthood. It is truly the best description of attachment theory I have ever read.

As someone who has experienced this attachment style in past relationships, what we call a preoccupied attachment style in adults, I can relate to what you are experiencing. I have even seen this show up in my cat, Franklin, who has developed an anxious attachment to me as well. I guess finding him on Franklin Boulevard when he was four weeks old will do that to a cat (along with the endless kisses, pets, hugs, and did I mention kisses?).

But in all seriousness, of course you ignored the red flags that you saw early on in the relationship. Fear of abandonment is a textbook response for someone with a preoccupied attachment style. People want to hold onto their relationships so badly that they ignore their lived experience to protect them. If this woman truly had a dismissive attachment style, your struggle to give her space would only reinforce her perception that you are too dependent, something that can be overwhelming for people with dismissive attachment tendencies. I say this not to shame you, but to help normalize and provide some relief. The push and pull between a preoccupied vs dismissive can be really challenging to navigate and requires a lot of self-regulation and communication.

When I work with clients who experience a preoccupied attachment, I am always curious about how they process their anxiety when it surfaces. Often, this attachment style is rooted in a deep fear of abandonment or a heightened sensitivity to perceived relational threats, which can make emotional regulation particularly challenging. What we work on is identifying triggers, learning to self-soothe, and, most importantly, making a conscious effort to choose themselves in moments of distress. By prioritizing self-validation and boundary-setting, they can start to build a sense of self-efficacy and emotional resilience. It seems like you are still in the thick of that process, which is completely natural. I still find my anxious attachment showing up from time to time. Growth in attachment work takes time, patience, and a willingness to sit with discomfort. As I say to my clients in my most “therapist-y” voice, “Keep up the exploration, and remember that every step forward, no matter how small, is a victory in reclaiming your emotional well-being” (closes notebook and takes sip of coffee while looking out into the distance).

Touching briefly on this idea that you are “addicted to sex,” let me start by saying that the organization I am certified through, AASECT, does not support the sex addiction model. This model tends to promote more harm than success. So, the chances that you were/are addicted to sex are rare. I know the use of the word “addicted” may have just been because we hear it thrown around all the time when it comes to anything that is not considered “normal” with sex, but language matters when relationships are on the line. It is more likely that you developed a deep connection with this woman that allowed you to open yourself up to a level of intimacy that made the sex feel especially fulfilling. As complicated as this may feel, you can take pride in knowing you were able to open yourself up and build this kind of connection with another individual.

At the end of the day, there is no “right way” to move through a breakup. When time and space feel like they are not enough, and you are already in therapy exploring your attachment style, let me add that redefining what relationships are supposed to mean to you may be helpful. How did you learn to be in a relationship? Why did you ignore the red flags? Why did you ignore her setting boundaries? What does emotional regulation look like for you? What is your relationship like with sex? Reflecting on these questions may allow you to develop a deeper understanding of how you create and sustain relationships. Healing attachment wounds can take a lifetime. Be kind to yourself in the process.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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