Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist: How Can I Stop Letting Sex Take Over My Relationships?

Matt Lachman Credit: Photo by Kristine Borns

Welcome to Ask a Cleveland Sex Therapist. Want to ask Matt a question that could be tackled in a future column? Click here. Now, onto this week’s topic.

Sex has been a major part of my life for the past 15 years—I’m not going to lie, I love it. In college and the years after, I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I filled my time with casual flings and all the fun sex that came with them. Emotional connections? Rarely. I didn’t need them.
But as I hit my mid-to-late 20s, things changed. I entered several serious relationships where the physical intimacy I craved was nonexistent. My libido was through the roof, while theirs… wasn’t. In my most recent relationship, we were rarely intimate. I was constantly initiating, only to be met with rejection. This took a huge hit to my ego and left me wondering: Does he not find me attractive? Is something wrong with me? Our relationship was great in many other aspects, I knew he loved me, why didn’t he want me? I spent a lot of nights crying while he slept next to me, desperately trying to convince myself that sex didn’t matter as much as I thought. Maybe it wasn’t the cornerstone of a successful relationship, right? Wrong. After three long years of trying to make it work, I finally walked away, emotionally drained.

Looking back, I realized this wasn’t just a one-time occurrence—it was a pattern. I’ve ended nearly every relationship due to my partner not being able to meet my sexual needs. There’s this stereotype that men are always the ones with a high sex drive, chasing women. Why does it hold so much power over me? How do I shift my focus away from the frequency and quality of sex and build a deeper emotional connection instead? Am I the problem?

– Tara

Hey Tara! Thanks for the question, a detailed look into your brain, and the struggles you are facing. I just answered a question from another person in which I provided some insight into a similar dilemma that you are experiencing. (Read that column here.) I hope you can pull something from my response to that person as well as what you read here. With you, I want to focus more on answering your questions about high sex drive, your enjoyment of sex, and what seems like the pressure you (and most humans) are putting on it in your relationships. We have this saying in the sex therapy field that sex is only 10% of a relationship, but when it doesn’t work, it can feel like 90% of the relationship. Let’s see if we can get it back to feeling like 10% again.

When I first began my journey as a sex therapist, I was learning so much, so quickly, that I felt like my head was going to pop off. I look back at my lack of sex education growing up and try not to shame myself for thinking the way I did and not understanding human sexuality. I, too, put a ton of pressure on sex. If it wasn’t happening, I must be the cause. I never did this, but a lot of people count the days between having sex as if that will help them process their anxiety when, in reality, all it does is cause more of it. There is so much pressure put on the amount of sex we are having with our partners that we forget the point of sex: pleasure.

One study sex therapists cite all the time is the one conducted by Amy Muise at the University of Toronto-Mississauga. She surveyed over 30,000 couples and concluded that couples who have sex at least once a week report higher levels of happiness compared to those who have sex less than once a week. You may think, Duh, Matt! You are making my point! I am going to go back to doomscrolling on TikTok. But why this study is important is because it goes on to report that couples who have sex more than once a week do not report higher levels of happiness. So, what leads to higher levels of happiness? The quality of sex we are having, not the quantity. So, Tara, if we can shift the focus to quality over frequency, I wonder what would happen.

In reading your questions, I can also see how the lack of sex education in this country has let you down as well. One aspect of proper sex education is busting myths related to sex. One such myth is that cis men always want sex. While this may be true in Westeros, there is just no substantial research out there that backs this up. In fact, it is becoming more documented that cis women want sex just as much as cis men. So why is this myth still perpetuated? Well, frankly, because men are given permission and told it is okay to want to have sex, while women are told it isn’t. Purity culture has done a number on all of us, and its impact can be seen affecting not only relationship dynamics but sexual ones as well. Men must be masculine and powerful, while women must be quiet and demure. At the end of the day, we want to stay away from generalizations. If I hear one more person I know tell me they “hate all men” or they “hate all women,” I am going to scream. Variability is what has led to us creating such a well-rounded society (among other things), and we need to be flexible in our thinking. Oh, and for the love of god, do not watch He’s Just Not That Into You. That movie has not aged well at all, and what it preaches needs to be lost to time forever.

One question I have for you, Tara, is where did this sexual energy come from? It makes me so happy to read that you enjoy having sex because many cis women can find it difficult to find that enjoyment (due to everything stated above). Sex does matter in relationships, and I want it to feel fun, pleasurable, and empowering for you. I am curious if, during the development of this sexual energy, you picked up an anxious attachment as well. This is where the immense pressure on sex and questioning can come from. The goal would be to be able to hear your partner’s “no” and be able to make sense of it.

One strategy that I tell people in relationships to use is the “gentle letdown.” Boundaries are important, period. We want to make sure we are listening to our partners when they tell us something. Remember, boundaries are for the person setting them and not rules that are being placed on the relationship. No one gets access to us and our bodies unless we give them access, and this includes our romantic partners. Just because we are in a relationship does not mean you can tell me when I want to have sex. But it can suck when this person you are attracted to tells you they are not in the mood. That can trigger a lot of anxiety in us, which I see it does for you. It has for me in the past as well, hence where the “gentle letdown” comes into play.

Tara, think about what you would need to hear from your partner when they want to honor their “no” and not have sex. Just saying “no” probably wouldn’t suffice after some time. What if, instead of just saying no, they reminded you of why they are not in the mood to connect and also provided you with validation? Something like, “I am not in the mood right now because I don’t feel good, but I love you and find you attractive.” While that exact phrasing may not work, think about what would, and if you think it will help relieve some of the anxiety you are feeling.

If you know me, you’ll hear me say often that relationships and sex are for you, not the other person. You mention wanting to focus more on emotional bonds, and while I get that, relationships are not always about prioritization. They are about acceptance and finding people who align with your values. While yes, it sounds like we need to alleviate some of the pressure you feel around sex, we don’t need to eliminate it altogether! Building emotional connection is done through open and honest conversations with the people we love. If you can continue to explore the anxious attachment you may have with sex and communicate it with your partners, you are well on your way to creating something more sustainable.

Matt Lachman is a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor and Supervisor, AASECT Certified Sex Therapist, and owner of Cleveland Sex Therapy, located in the heart of Gordon Square. Since opening Cleveland Sex Therapy in 2019, Matt has been dedicated to promoting sex positivity and inclusivity in his work with individuals, couples, and polyamorous relationships. When he’s not helping clients navigate their sexual and relational journeys, you can find him enjoying a cold brew at Gypsy Beans, sipping a cocktail at Luxe, or relaxing on his couch watching reruns of Happy Endings. Ask a question of your own here.

Disclaimer: The advice provided in this column is intended for general informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for professional therapy or mental health treatment. Each individual’s situation is unique, and the insights offered here may not address the complexities of your specific circumstances. If you’re experiencing challenges related to your mental health, relationships, or sexuality, I strongly encourage you to reach out to a licensed therapist or mental health professional for personalized support. You’re not alone—help is available.

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